A formal last-ditch call for the Redskins to hire Rob Ryan as their new Head Coach

01.09.14 4 years ago 24 Comments

robryanskinsNot pictured: Motorhead

Im not so much a fan of the Washington Redskins more just a fan of there name. But a franchise like the Skins with there proud history deserves a return to glory and I for one am hoping they Get It Right this time. Reports are surfacing around the DC area that the Skins will make a offer to Jay Gruden to be their next Head Coach but I’m here to tell you= they’re talking to the wrong brother, and Snyders going to end up looking like a jive turkey.

Snyder, loves to make a splash with his coaching hires so why not bring in the sonofabitch whod win ANY NFL bellyflopping contest. Thats right, Rob “The Wolfman” Ryan is a the biggest name and the biggest mane out there folks and hes the perfect fit for the Redskins “organization.” Robs a no nonesense type guy with a flair for the dramatic and a appearence for the slapstick I met one league source who’s calling him Rob “Ford” Ryan, since the two share the complete love of football and complete and exact lack of knowledge about Toronto politics.

Rob wouldnt just provide a spark for the Redskins franchise, hed be a goddang kerosene luau. Hiring him would also demonstrate a very progresive stance for the Redskins whose PR image has taken a hit over the past 728 consecutive weeks, seeing as hiring a Brother is the purpose of having the Rooney Rule. And dont tell me theres a better fit for a owner who likes to leave dozens of containers of ice cream on his coaches desk then Rob. I know, I know your not allowed to drive vans in Washington DC despite the fact Rob will tell you “just because my econoline IS the bomb doesnt mean it HAS a bomb unless you count Jagerbombs motherf*ckers. Am I free to go officers?” We’ve all heard that line, but Im sure something could be arranged where Washington gives Rob a unused metro car to park outside Redskins park.

The problem with getting Rob Ryan to DC besides obviously violateing all sorts of Interstate Commerce clauses is that the city of New Orleans fits Rob like, well like nothing he’s ever been able to purchase in a regular store. But Dans  the only man with pockets deep enough to pry Rob away from his native enviroment of the greater French Quarter is Dan Snyder. Heck, Rob would get arrested so often in Northern Virgina Weird Al would have a field day with “Werewolves of Lorton.” Yes, Rob would inherit a mess at the QB position, but something tells me if coach showed up on day 1 with that lustrious mane shaped into longer shinier dreadlocks than RG3, Rob would instantly put Griffin into calm-submissive stage- its like the old days when the Native Redskins would know who the Chief is based on who had the biggest headdress. Theres a reason Mike “high and tight” Shanahan wasnt able to command respect over Griffins cornrolls and thats because he didnt recognize the importance of hair volume in todays NFL. Well the man with the Molly Hatchet Hair and Biggie Belly is out there for the picking Snyder. Please, do everyone a favor and hire him. And then Hard Knocks the Redskins until they fire him for getting blackout with Mrs. Snyder and banging on the 50 yd line of the practice bubble while interns film it from scissorlifts.

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