KSK 2012 NFL Prekkake: New Orleans Saints

08.21.12 5 years ago 26 Comments

The Saints were bounced from the playoffs by virtue of Alex Smith’s singular moment of career triumph. It was a disappointing ouster from the playoffs, but New Orleans had no reason to despair. Until the world found out that Gregg Williams really wanted the head of Frank Gore, then things got a bit out of hand. Now the Saints have no head coach for the year, no interim head coach for six weeks and the league paying real close attention to every questionable hit they make. Oh, and their city is hosting the Super Bowl this year.

Five Fast Facts About The Saints:

– Even though Roman Harper doesn’t turn 30 until the end of this year, he already has the hair of a 50-year-old. Peter King calls that lofty precociousness!

– Special teams coordinator Greg McMahon may not be suspended, but he is occupied with sorting out the remains of Gus Fring’s old drug empire with Walter White.

– Lance Moore earned the nickname “Lance Romance” by teaching Sean Payton how to grind on skanks in Bermuda.

– Jermon Bushrod is investing in a GPS app for unfinished sandwiches.

– Rookie wide receiver Nick Toon is not to be confused Nickelodeon’s cartoon programming from the ’90s, except when he hums the “Hey Arnold” theme while carrying the ball.

Notable acquisitions: Curtis Lofton, Ben Grubbs, Brodrick Bunkley, Chris Chamberlain, Greg Camarillo

Notable departures: Carl Nicks, Tracy Porter, Robert Meachem, Shaun Rogers, Jo-Lonn Dunbar

Notable suspensions: Sean Payton, Mickey Loomis, Joe Vitt, Jonathan Vilma, Will Smith

Vegas win total over/under: 10 wins

KSK verdict: PUSH

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Devery Henderson

The departure of Robert Meachem creates an opportunity for some the lesser incumbent receivers to get a larger piece of the bountiful Saints offensive numbers. That’s means it’s even more enticing to take a late-round flier on Devery, except having him on your bench is the worst. Devery is good for one or two big games every year (whenever you’re not starting him, of course), with no sign of life in between. Last season, Devery went over 100 yards and scored in Weeks 1 and 2, leading some to believe it might be a breakout year for him. Nope. Entire rest of the year: 23 catches 300 yards, no touchdowns. Eat shit, Devery Henderson.

Fan forecast, by UPROXX flagship page editor, The Cajun Boy:

A New Orleans-area emergency room in the wee hours of the morn on Feb. 4, 2013…

Doctor Boudreaux: “Okay, Nurse Thibodaux…what do we have next?”

Nurse Thibodaux: “Oh this one is pretty bad, Doc. Pretty, pretty bad.”

Doctor Boudreaux: “Do tell. You know I’ve been doing this a long time. I’ve seen everything there is to see in this racket, Nurse. It’s virtually impossible for me to see something I’ve never seen before.”

Nurse Thibodaux: “Well there’s this man, a ginger named Roger — poor thing — and he’s got some sort of football trophy lodged in his ass. Deep in his ass, actually.”

Doctor Boudreaux: “A football trophy lodged in his ass, deep in his ass, you say? Don’t think I’ve ever seen that.”

Nurse Thibodaux: “Yeah, it’s lodged in there pretty deep. But that’s not all.”

Doctor Boudreaux: “Really? What can this Roger fella possibly be any worse off than having a football trophy lodged deep in his ass?”

Nurse Thibodaux: “Well it looks like someone also took a shit in his mouth and then stapled it shut.”

Doctor Boudreaux: “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! The old ‘chocolate pout pocket,’ eh? Some guy named Sean I went to college with at Eastern Illinois invented it. Small world. Were there witnesses to any of this?

Nurse Thibodaux: “Apparently not. The cops who brought him in were kind of drunk and said that there were no witnesses. They just laughed at him, poor guy. Oh but there is a clue…someone wrote something across this guy Roger’s butt cheeks with a permanent marker.”

Doctor Boudreaux: “Oh really…what does it say?”

Nurse Thibodaux: “DO YOUR JOB!

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