Hello, youth culture enthusiast/bitter aging person! Noted Rob Dyrdek enablers MTV are prepping their VMAs extravaganza for this Sunday with acts like Rihanna, Future and Britney Spears popping by to entertain basic cable viewers and give you the ol’ razzle dazzle as they’ve got new things to promote. It sometimes feels like a recording industry trade expo at times, doesn’t it? Can we interest you in a floor model Tokio Hotel, etc.
At the moment (read: days before broadcast), it looks like the Video Music Awards will be proceeding without a proper super duper official host in 2016. There’s always a chance vice president Joe Biden says “f*ck it” and decides to host for his own amusement, but for right now it looks like one of those years where no one agrees to grab the reins. These sorts of shows have the illusion of chugging along quicker because you aren’t at the mercy of your host’s schtick (hi Miley!), but we’re kinda bummed there won’t be a proper master of ceremonies. Can’t they just break Dan Cortese out of suspended animation?
At the personal request of your favorite political and religious figures, we here at UPROXX have elected to go through the hosts of VMAs past and rank these folks from best-to-worst. From the glorious highs of Chris Rock to the “sure, why not?” of Christian Slater, it’s been an interesting ride.
(The first person that does the whole “MTV doesn’t play videos anymore” thing in the comments will be sent straight to an underwater jail. It’s like moaning that you can’t smoke on airplanes anymore. The world done changed, dude/dudette.)
1. Chris Rock
Years Hosted: 1997, 1999, 2003
Chris Rock is essentially the gold standard for VMA hosting quality. You can chuck out the star system and just rate future hosting quality out of a scale of Chris Rocks. (Not Bad Company Chris Rocks, mind you.) His second hosting stint in 1999 was essentially a state of the union address for pop culture at the turn of the century and oddly enough a relic of a different era. We were slowly creeping towards a period where artists took the VMAs a tad more seriously (Rock’s 1997 ODB security sketch seems borderline prophetic now, especially considering the Grammys stage crash was also a year away), fan groups would become even more vicious after the TRL era (imagine getting the Jude Law speech over a Fifth Harmony gag) and roasting your colleagues would later become reserved for the internet or politics. Not that there’s ever been a year where using the term “substitute pimp” to describe Kid Rock isn’t important.
Full marks to Chris Rock for being able to present the illusion of danger and not giving a fudge in a non-Ricky Gervais kinda way. Not doing the “aren’t I naughty?” schtick goes a long way when you’re an efficient joke machine carving up nervous boy bands in front of their faces. We can’t imagine the Top Five star getting away with saying “wow, I hope you didn’t slit your wrists to that one” after a Coldplay performance in 2016 and that’s sort of the mystique. Rock was able to turn up, say what he liked, clown on celebrities at a very silly award show (shh! don’t tell Taylor) and leave stronger than he arrived.
2. Russell Brand
Years Hosted: 2008, 2009
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zCa37sJsCo
Remember how we sh*t on that whole “aren’t I naughty?” hosting approach in an earlier host blurby-blab? Time to flip-flop! One-time “this may become a thing in America” Russell Brand knew how to work that whole sassy bad boy gimmick for quality results in 2008 and 2009 when he popped up for a pair of hosting stints that managed to piss off Christians, George W. Bush supporters, the Jonas Brothers and a few thousand other demographics in just a matter of hours. Considering that MTV has never felt like it was built to last, Brand was a sensible choice. He looked different, he’d make sexual quips of varying quality and you could pin the blame (and death threats) on ol’ Russ if he says anything the network doesn’t agree with. Russell Brand’s aura isn’t a timeless one, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone that’s been built in a laboratory to aid “I Love The ____” panelists.
3. Arsenio Hall
Years Hosted: 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991
Chris Rock is who the MTV Video Music Awards think they are, but alleged Prince murderer Arsenio Hall is a much better embodiment of what the show (largely) brings to the table: The promise of good times that are unlikely to worry anyone under 65. Provided you’re not present day Sinead O’Connor, you’re in safe hands with Arsenio. Those Chunky A albums won’t sell themselves, y’know. Arsenio was a winning option for MTV. He’s reliable, unlikely to damage any pre-established goodwill and stuck around long enough to be there in person for when C+C Music Factory busted out “Things That Make You Go Hmmm…”
4. Ben Stiller
Year Hosted: 1998
This was fun. Fun’s the best.
5. Dennis Miller
Years Hosted: 1995, 1996
There’s a reason why there aren’t that many O’Reilly Factor regulars that have hosted this shindig, although we now have a perverse interest in seeing Bill O’Reilly youth culture it up like the hip young gunslinger he is. Bordello of Blood action hero Dennis Miller exists in a somewhat separate category because he was still pre-9/11 Dennis Miller (heck, he was still pre-Monday Night Football experiment Dennis Miller) and that didn’t marinate into his success brand of smarm. Miller’s smartest/smuggiest guy in the room schtick was right at home in the mid-90s, making an excellent dance partner for the former Weekend Update anchor’s pop culture reference form of Tourette’s. It just sorta made sense that Dennis Miller would have this gig during Bill Clinton’s second term and he’d have to navigate a room effected by a rapidly dissolving Van Halen reunion.
6, Dana Carvey
Year Hosted: 1992
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xroqLmvA9Ww
You bet your ass Dana Carvey brought out his George Bush impression for the occasion. The future Pistachio Disguisey didn’t leave the SNL-friendly bits to Bush, either. Audiences were presented with with appearances from Johnny Carson (alongside Phil Hartman’s Ed McMahon) and Garth Algar (with Wayne Campbell in comedy prop form), plus the Lorne Michaels valu-pak add-in of David Spade’s snooty SNL receptionist turning away the likes of Andrew Dice Clay and Pinhead from Hellraiser. Luckily for our pinpal, he didn’t have to endure Howard Stern as Fartman. Nothing revolutionary, but still a respectable showing from Carvey.
7. Jimmy Fallon
Year Hosted: 2002
Jimmy Fallon combined the friendly likability of Arsenio Hall along with Dana Carvey’s fondness for diving into characters during the 2002 edition of the Moonmen adoption service. Even with endless gossip about Fallon being a lush, the SNL grad has always been more-or-less the nice boy of comedy and this gig as master of ceremonies provided a window into what his future as a talk show would be like. Impressions, enthusiasm and getting way too excited for an underwhelming Guns N’ Roses slot are what he brought to the table. Come for the elaborate Billy Crystal style montage, stay with the confidence the ceremony won’t be hijacked by a 20-minute special edition of Jarret’s Room.
8. Eddie Murphy
Year Hosted: 1985
Eddie Murphy‘s sweater deserves its own line of postage stamps. MESMERIZING! Murphy was an incredibly cool dude in 1985, yet there’s something about the cruelty of time that reveals how strange it is that there was once a broadcast where you could see if the guy from 48 Hrs. could make Sting laugh. Award shows are weird, eh? The whole affair closed with Eddie Murphy singing “Party All The Time” to Tina Turner which is a pretty cute touch. We hope the girl mentioned in “Party All The Time” got the help she needed with her crippling party addiction or at least has Andrew W.K. on speed dial. One can’t help but wonder what his performance would be like if he went all in or had a different year to work with.
9. Sean Combs
Year Hosted: 2005
The VMAs proved to be a quality gig for host Sean “Diddy” Combs. The Miami-set ceremony melded well with Diddy’s near supernatural ability to oscillate between rich cool mogul and recently divorced (BUT CONFIDENT) auras at a moment’s notice. If the VMAs ever return to Miami (imagine the sexy bidding wars and the city of Fort Wayne’s PowerPoint presentation), it would be an act of arrogance against god to deny Pitbull the hosting gig. It would give Mr. 305 the opportunity to confirm whether or not the city of Miami exists, a cause the man cares deeply about.
10. Roseanne Barr
Year Hosted: 1994
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPZSKHKMQjc
Former presidential candidate (back before just anybody could run for president), anthem darling and all-around comedy legend Roseanne Barr hosted the MTV Video Music Awards in 1994. (Yes, those were the “And just think, nobody thought this would last” VMAs, which is like declaring “I’d like to see that dink Jason Voorhees try to behead me in front of this summer camp.”) Nothing revolutionary, but it was very Roseanne and did feature an oral sex joke involving VJ Kennedy and Rush Limbaugh. If anything is more ’90s than that, it’d be a Talkboy Deluxe recording the audio.
11. Kevin Hart
Year Hosted: 2012
Kevin Hart is someone who knows how to generate instant goodwill. You don’t even have to like the dude’s comedy or movies to want this guy to succeed. That’s how pleasant and positive of a gent he is. Hart’s 2012 tour-of-duty (we imagine there’ll be another in the cards) wasn’t anything too spectacular, but it did feature some infectious enthusiasm, plus some well-placed yuks about Kristen Stewart and Russell Brand showed that Hart doesn’t always have to play nice and he’s sometimes better for it. We wouldn’t mind seeing Hart take another crack at the show, although he kinda already did that already with anti-candyass advocate Dwayne Johnson at this year’s MTV Movie Awards.
12. Jack Black
Year Hosted: 2006
Not unlike Kevin Hart, Jack Black has also harnessed the art of bringing energy, enthusiasm and an unspoken promise to appear in a Jumanji update. He also sadly shares Hart’s history of being a bit forgettable (If well-liked) at this recording industry circle jerk. Somehow Black’s appearance as host did not catapult Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny to box office record toppling glory.
13. Bette Midler & Dan Aykroyd
Year Hosted: 1984
Nothing says cutting edge MTV quite like the ol’ timey comedy stylings of Dan Aykroyd and Bette Midler! Tell your loins to calm down before watching, because there’s some laff-em-ups involving Aykroyd wanting to wear leather like the Soul Man he is. If this is what was responsible for the Exit to Eden seeds to be planted, all award shows should be abolished on general principle. (Not that we’re here to kinkshame. We’re only here to ’90s S&M sex detective comedy Aykroydshame.) Both Aykroyd and the impeccably styled Divine Miss M camp things up and seem to be having a good time going big Big BIG, so their outing starts to grow on you after a while. Today it reads a bit Franco/Hathaway, but you could certainly do worse.
14. Jamie Foxx
Year Hosted: 2001
No, Michael Jackson’s unsettling Etch-a-Sketch ghost(?) didn’t host in 2001. It sorta feels that way, of course. Jamie Foxx took on hosting duties and if you can remember a single host-specific thing Jamie Foxx did that VMAs, you’ll be mailed a slightly weathered copy of Bait on VHS*.
*Legal Note: Not a real offer.
15. Marlon & Shawn Wayans
Year Hosted: 2000
And to think, the world was only six years away from the medical community warning us about splitting our funnybones from cracking up too hard at Little Man. (HA! HE’S A SMALL MAN THAT IS MISTAKEN FOR A BABY AND THEN TITS AND BUTT STUFF HAPPENS!) There are roughly two-to-three memories anyone has retained from the evening’s Marlon and Shawn Wayans hosting extravaganza.
1) “Girl done went from ‘The Mickey Mouse Club’ to the strip club!” (Well done on that Britney quip, Marlon.)
2) Some tasteful mooning (Not as well done, Marlon.)
3) Possibly a few jokes about a tire company product recall.
16. Chelsea Handler
Year Hosted: 2010
This outing should have been a tad better, eh? Chelsea Handler was a fantastic host on paper and on whatever fancy non-paper things they built the Nokia Theater out of she was not a fantastic host. Mind you, popping up the year after Kanye vs. Taylor makes lame “don’t steal my award” gags mandatory isn’t exactly an easy task, it’s more of a torture porn assignment for getting the most out of a year-old scandal. It definitely seemed like a lock that Handler would knock a few celebs into the dunk tank, but aside from some gentle hair laffs with a much younger Justin Bieber and an exhausting autotune yuk-em-up with Jason Derulo, there wasn’t really much to remember. We recommend using this time to think of other things instead. Like potato chips or animal news bloopers. What a lovely think we’re all having.
17. Christian Slater
Year Hosted: 1993
https://youtu.be/YMrJLuX3LJc?t=26m48s
Future Breaking In star Christian Slater hosted in the MTV Video Music Awards in 1993. Our two leading theories as to why are 1) confusing blackmail scheme laid out by an MTV producer or 2) to allow time travellers to better understand when they’ve arrived in 1993. (Presumably an anthropomorphic newspaper with the day’s date was already hosting the CableACE Awards.) Slater’s not necessarily awful in the role of acting gent that politely coaxes out Beavis and Butt-Head, just sort of out of place. It’s the sort of aloof hosting performance you’d expect from a celebrity hired to appear at the Travelodge to tell a company that they need to “pump up the volume” if they truly want to start listening to their clients. The upside is that Slater is now forever tied to RuPaul and Milton Berle’s immortal exchange and everyone can enjoy that.
18. Assorted Gaggles Of MTV VJs
Years Hosted: 1986, 1987
It makes sense that MTV would want to put their VJs to work as hosts in ’86 and ’87. You’ve got familiar in-house personalities that viewers seem to like, so why shouldn’t you give “Downtown” Julie Brown some extra TV shine? Unfortunately, employing a cabal of VJs (ask your grandparents) doesn’t exactly set your shindig apart too much. Imagine what could have been if MTV just did the sensible thing and hire the wrench wielding goons from a-ha’s “Take On Me” video.
Wrench Guy 1: Hey Gibson Amphitheater, have you heard about the new shampoo Walter Monda–
Wrench Guy 2: I’LL KILL YOU ALL WITH MY WRENCH!
Wrench Guy 1: Whoa, easy there Phil. Let’s get back to introducing Simply Red. So about Mondale’s crazy new sham–
Wrench Guy 2: DEATH COMES FOR ALL! BOTH COMIC BEINGS AND HUMAN BEINGS!
Wrench Guy 1: (pained shy) Performing “Holding Back the Years” please put your hands toge–
Wrench Guy 2: MY WRENCH IS THE ONLY TRUE GOD! Also, be sure to send us a postcard because MTV and Clearasil want to take you to see Honeymoon Suite live in Niagara Falls! WRRRRREEEENNNCCCCHHHH!
19. Miley Cyrus
Year Hosted: 2015
Oh 2015, you tried to be the NONE MORE EDGY *guitar solo on top of two murderers boning* VMAs and it didn’t really pan out, now did it? It’s rarely a good sign when the main thing people remember from your hosting stint is Nicki Minaj setting you ablaze on live television. (That took a lot of heat off Rebel Wilson, if you can remember that far back.) Miley Cyrus was sort of in a no win situation because she was marketed as Edge City USA (CLUTCH YOUR BUGLES TIGHT, MIDDLE AMERICA, etc.) and that just meant a lot of Miley suggesting she was outrageous and doing a number of creaky gags about weed and hip-hop culture that were so on-the-nose that you expected Miley to pop through your screen, point to her eye and wink for a couple hours. It’s a shame, because other touches (costume changes, fun visuals, RuPaul’s Drag Race alums popping by for “Dooo It!”) were more interesting and showed that Miley didn’t need to coast. Give us better drugs next time or f*ck off.
