Comments of the Week is back, and I’m giving away FilmDrunk shirts (BUY YOURS HERE) to each week’s winner. We don’t have an upvoting function yet, so in the meantime, you’ll have to bookmark this post and paste your favorite comments in the comments section from which I’ll choose each week’s winner. Got it? Good.
I won’t lie to you, folks. It’s been three weeks since I last did a Comments Of The Week. I had my reasons, but I know how it hurts when someone tells you that they’re too busy for you (ahem, LISA). So I’ll save the excuses, but know in my heart I’m sorry.
Especially since between now and the last CotW, I wrote probably my most hate-mail inducing post of all time, when I had the temerity to beg the Academy not to nominate Eddie Redmayne in only the latest example of a patronizing performance of a disabled person. Of course, nominate him they did. Nonetheless, I stand by that post 100 percent and I feel confident that I will be vindicated by Redmayne’s performance in Jupiter Ascending. But we’re not here to argue content, let’s see some of that sweet outrage. The Redmayniacs really were out in force for this one.
AOL 13: I think you are a bigoted journalist and I really really hope (regardless of this article) that Eddie Redmayne wins because he deserves it and also so you can shove it!
Laura DePinho: Whoever wrote this is f*cking stupid and clearly knows nothing about the craft of acting. Sure, it might be predictable, but Eddie Redmayne is very well deserving of an Oscar for his performance. I’d like to see this bitch take on the role of Stephen Hawking.
I bet you’d change your mind once you saw my screen test.
Eric Lommel: I find it sad that this day in age, a brilliant performance (based on a real person as well) can create this kind of ignorance. When people make these things, they aren’t sitting there every day thinking about the awards they may get, they are thinking about the craft. Awards do matter, for reason being that they open doors to other avenues in their career. I.e. J.K. Simmons.
Also, the other ignorant statement thrown around is that a guy w a disease or wheelchair is considered awards pandering. It’s also called the dramatic film genre you asshat. (Proceeds to slap writer with left foot)
Yep, so that was fun.
Now then, let’s get to the actual contenders. Erswi is in the mix for coming up with the best possible title for Blackhat. You’ve already forgotten about Blackhat, haven’t you.
Erswi: I thought we agreed that henceforth the Chris Hemsworth hacker flick shall be known only as “Thordfish.”
That was so good I used it in the headline of my review. On that note:
kungjitsu: YOUR ANCESTORS CALLED IT MAGIC. BUT YOU CALL IT COMPUTER HACKING. I COME FROM A TECH SCHOOL WHERE THEY ARE ONE AND THE SAME.
And speaking of alternate titles…
Verbal Kunt: American Sniper, AKA Jingo All The Way.
I don’t necessarily endorse the sentiment, but I endorse the wordplay.
Also (from American Sniper Screenwriter Explains That Fake Baby):
Nic Cages T-Rex Skull: Ten Dollar Baby.
And of course, I always love a good use of action indicated by asterices. From Kevin Spacey Will Swap Bodies With A Cat in ‘Nine Lives’:
Chareth Cutestory: “Kevin! Kevin! Hi, Trip Rexroth, Entertainment News. Tell us, what was it like being inside a pussy for the first time ever in life, you gaywad?”
*flashbulbs and shouting*
Chareth doesn’t comment that much, but damned if he doesn’t make them count. From Porn Stars Weigh In On Deflate Gate:
Chareth Cutestory: This is kind of like that time I asked Rocco Siffredi for his thoughts on Benghazi and he choked me in a public toilet.
Chareth is the best.
From The Plot Of The Wedding Ringer Recreated With Reviews:
Stallonewolf; I hate to be that guy, but Variety stole “Women exist mainly to be ogled, abandoned or immolated, as the situation demands.” directly from the message Dad wrote on the inside cover of the “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” book he got me on graduation day.
Naturally, my post about the Japanese-Made Motorized Rubber Vagina That You Can Sync With Your Porn drew some comments:
Schnitzel bob:
A man, in his late twenties, woke up in the middle of the night. He shivered with anticipation as he sat up on the edge of his bed. He reached for the glasses on the night stand.He’d planned this night-time escapade earlier in the day, but had to wait until everyone else was asleep. This was his parents’ house, where he’d been forced to return for recovery after managing to lift himself from the pit of heroin addiction.
The rest of the family had been out during the afternoon, and he’d hoped to make use of his new purchase while they were away. Alas, in his overly long preparations, he’d spent several hours getting ready and was forced to abort at the last minute when his parents came home a bit early. The fact that they brought home KFC was a small consolation.
And yet… the anticipation had been electric. He was almost thankful for having to wait. And the fear of being caught added to his excitement.
He walked over to his closet. He lifted an empty suitcase and put it aside. He then moved a box full of comic books and put that aside as well. Under that box was another box, this one with “tax stuff” written on it in felt marker. He opened the lid and reached for the slightly rumpled 1040s that covered it’s true content.
He took out the Japanese sperm extractor. Even in the thin light that streamed in through the blinds, it was a wonder to behold. Plugging it in, he tentatively flipped the on switch. It began it’s undulating motion in near-total silence, as promised. Matt nearly cried.
“Oh Cassandra. You’d never betray me like that whore Charlene.”
Joe Sinclitico: It only goes up to 50dbA?!?! I’m seriously laughing right now.
A lot of inside jokes with those two.
Anyway, all of this obviously left me with a lot to think about. Pretty much any of these would be worthy Comments Of The Week winners, but in the end I have to go with Erswi for coming up with “Thordfish,” since at least 10 people called me a genius for that review headline. The least I can do is give him a t-shirt. Congratulations, Erswi! Send me your size and address, and don’t lie, because I can read thoughts.
Until next week.
“The shape of his spine actually changed.”