Let me tell you a little story: it was May 5, 2012. A Saturday night. I have a brief break from the avalanche of final essays and exams, and I decide to mellow out with some pizza rolls. I head to Wegmans to pick up a bag, and I’m faced with a conundrum; the frozen food section is blocked off because they’re repairing the floor. My pizza rolls are trapped! Now, for the past few days I’ve been a zombie trying to memorize the names of different poets and artists, and I just want a fucking bag of pizza rolls! If I had a car, this would not be a problem, but I don’t, so I’m in a tight spot. There’s a Tops not too far away from the Wegmans that I could walk to, but they were more expensive, and probably didn’t have my favorite flavor. So, I did what any reasonable person in my position would have done: I went home, got my bike out of the basement, took it to the Noco by my house to put air in the tires, then rode it about four miles down the road to the Wegmans that would have my flavor of Pizza Rolls at a reasonable price. I rode home, and had the tastiest snack of my life. I got through my exams with a 3.2 GPA that semester, and I really think the pizza rolls made all the difference.
So yeah, I love me some fucking pizza rolls. But what if you’re new to the frozen snack food of the Gods? Well, let’s look at the best ways to enjoy the single finest foodstuff that mankind has ever created.
Rule No 1: There is only Totino’s.
Okay, look, your local grocery store probably makes a fine off-brand pizza roll, but it’s not the same as Totino’s, and as you’re eating them, you’re just gonna wish you had the real thing, and the 65 cents you saved buying the store brand isn’t going to seem especially important. Either go Totino’s, or just get some fucking Hot Pockets instead.
Also, fuck organic pizza rolls, okay? THEY’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HEALTHY!
Rule No 2: Don’t put that shit in the microwave (unless you’re really fucking high)
Look, I get it. You want your pizza rolls as quickly as possible, and in even in their soft, microwaved form, they’re still pretty fucking great, but it’s better to wait. A nice, crunchy, oven cooked pizza roll is a truly orgasmic experience. Don’t miss out on that shit just because you didn’t want to wait an extra 15 minutes. Unless you’re stoned. In which case, fire that science oven up!
Okay, those are the two big rules. Now let’s look at individual flavors:
Pepperoni:
The platonic idea of a pizza roll. If you want to see if pizza rolls are your thing, I’d recommend starting here. There are better, more ambitious flavors out there, but none of them would exist without the original pepperoni flavor. Pairs well with a nice Hurricane High Gravity Lager.
Triple Pepperoni
Ah, now here’s where it’s fucking at! Triple Pepperoni have a similar formula to regular Pepperoni (chicken, pork, beef), but the pepperoni is way spicier, giving these far more flavor. Admittedly, the added heat means they aren’t for everyone, but if you’re feeling adventurous, you will not find a better flavor. For a truly bold taste, pour some sriracha on the side for dippin’!
Combination
A fine mixture of sausage and pepperoni! To be honest, I don’t buy these often, because I tend to stick to my beloved Triple Pepperoni, but if that’s too spicy for you, and the regular kind is too boring, this is a fine alternative. Tastes a bit like a Supreme Tony’s Pizza.
Cheese
Don’t buy cheese Pizza Rolls, okay? I have no earthly idea why they even exist. I bought them by accident once and I cried myself to sleep.
Buffalo Chicken
My second favorite flavor after Triple Pepperoni. I mean, Frank’s Hot Sauce is cooked into the roll! Need I say more? A delicious flavor that — thanks the inclusion of Frank’s — does a surprisingly competent job of replicating the flavor of a chicken wing. Pairs well with an ice cold motherfucking Labatt Blue!
Spicy Taco:
Another fairly spicy flavor, not unlike the taco mix from say, Ore-Ida. My local Wegmans hasn’t had this flavor in awhile, but it was a great run.
Jalapeno Popper
None of the supermarkets near my house have ever carried this flavor, which still pisses me off to no end.
Actually, there’s a bunch of flavors that I hadn’t heard of until I researched this article. Triple Meat? Sounds awesome. WHY THE FUCK DOESN’T WEGMANS CARRY IT!? There was also a line of “pizzeria” flavored pizza rolls that came out last year, that I guess are supposed to taste like the specialty pizzas you might find at a really good pizza joint. I saw those once at a supermarket a few towns away from my house, decided not to buy them, and lived to regret that decision. If anyone has tried the flavors I haven’t been able to get my hands on, please let me know, and give me your thoughts in the comments. In the mean time, I think I’ve gone a long way towards introducing n00bz to the wonderful world of Totino’s Pizza Rolls.