This week on Top Chef, the show was celebrating 10 years of being on the air. Can you believe I’ve been wasting my life for a whole decade now? Time sure flies. To celebrate, they brought on a few past winners and alums, including season four’s Antonia Lofaso and season six winner Michael “High Voltage” Voltaggio. Both of whom work in LA, where this season’s show is being shot (I’m guessing Bravo wasn’t springing for plane tickets – probably blew all their budget on Richard Blais’ hair).
High Voltage brought his signature brand of electric judging to an elimination challenge where the contestants were challenged to create a dish that reflected where they were 10 years ago, like some kind of reverse job interview. It would’ve been cool if Kwame, aka The Prodigy, had made a dish that involved selling candy bars on the subway – harissa braised Reese’s butter cups, say – but instead he started going on about his strained relationship with his father and ended up cutting himself. It was a really emo episode.
But first, in the quickfire challenge, judged by Antonia “Mufasa” Lofaso, the contestants lined up to pick one ingredient each, the idea being that each would choose one, and then everyone would cook something, all drawing from the same 10 ingredients that were chosen (did you catch on to the “10” theme yet?). Phillip chose first, at which point it cut to a soundbite of Jason saying “It would be good if Phillip got the basics out of the way first.”
Which was funny because, ha, have you met Phillip? You’d be lucky if chose actual food, and not a dirt clod to plate on, or a bird poop-covered tree branch to grill over. Surprisingly, Phillip ended up choosing New York steak, and the ingredients were steak, chicken, jalapeños, salt, vinegar, olive oil, garlic, mushrooms, tomatoes, and celery. I would’ve made a taco, but I always say that.
Quickfire Challenge: The 10-Ingredient Challenge
Top of the Quickfire: Jeremy. Amar. WINNER: Jeremy.
Bottom of the Quickfire: Isaac. Karen.
Elimination Challenge: The 10-Years Ago Today Challenge
Top: Marjorie, Chad, Carl. WINNER: Marjorie.
Bottom: Kwame, Phillip, Jason. ELIMINATED: Jason.
The Rankings
1. Jeremy (+1)
Nickname(s): Frat Dad, Totino, Bald Spicoli
Quickfire Dish: Shaved beef with mushroom crispy garlic vinaigrette. [This feels like too many adjectives]
Quickfire Dish Reviews: “The salt is beautifully used here.”
Elimination Challenge Dish: Lobster ravioli with shellfish sauce and king salmon.
Elimination Challenge Reviews: “The salmon is unnecessary, even though it’s really well cooked.” “What does lobster have to do with salmon?” (Gee, I don’t know, Tom, they both live in the f*cking ocean?) “Jeremy, it’s a good thing you have immunity.”
Jeremy started out this week’s episode talking about how he wanted to win so he could make enough money to send his daughter to private school. Least relatable pitch ever? Don’t send your daughter to private school, man, don’t you know what happens to private school kids? They turn out like Phillip. Anyway, you may fairly quibble with me putting Jeremy on top, considering he was on the bottom of the elimination challenge, with Padma telling him, “it’s a good thing you have immunity.”
I put him here though, because he won the quickfire and he’s been on the top of almost every single challenge. Also, the thrust of the judges’ critique of his dish was “this salmon is tasty, but I don’t know why it’s here,” which is the kind of criticism only a chef show judge would give. You could serve them surf and turf and they’d be like “This steak is well cooked, but I don’t understand what it has to do with lobster.” Basically, they weren’t critiquing his food, merely his failure to come up with a cutesy explanation for it. “Oh this? It’s lobster and salmon. I call it, uh… surf & tributary.”
Notable Quotes: “I think I’m gonna get a little buzz on tonight!”
“She’ll be proud, dude.” [This was so “sensitive bro” that it could’ve been Kyle Mooney sketch]
“No way, Zack Pollack?”
This last one was a classic of the “No way, I’m cooking for {insert food person you’ve never heard of here}?!” genre. That’s a Top Chef staple.
2. Marjorie (+7)
Nickname(s): Mike Ms.abella, Sheyore, Underdog.
Quickfire Dish: Heirloom tomato salad with seared steak and celery jalapeño vinaigrette.
Quickfire Dish Reviews: “Nicely done, thank you.”
Elimination Challenge Dish: Seared halibut with grilled and roasted vegetables with green curry sauce.
Elimination Challenge Reviews: “I think it was cool that you were able to adapt.” “I think it was delicious.” “I love your vegetable work.”
Mike Ms.abella with the win this week! I’m not quite ready to put her in the top spot, but she proved her dessert victories weren’t a fluke. And seeing sad sack happy brings light to the world. She won, incidentally, by adapting to a lack of lemongrass (looks like your product placement deal backfired this week, Whole Foods) by grilling some lemons as a substitute. Genius! Also, has anyone pointed out that lemongrass is basically an inedible stalk of bamboo that tastes just like a thing we already have? “Wow, you substituted parsley for this rare South American tree bark that tastes just like parsley, who would’ve thought.”
Notable Quote(s):
“Sometimes Phillip just needs to shut up.”
3. Chad (+2)
Nickname(s): Rad Chad, Cool Dad, Rockabilly Rick
Quickfire Dish: Grilled New York steak with marinated mushrooms, tomato seeds, and pickled jalapeño. [Tomato seeds: pointless ingredient, or most pointless ingredient?]
Quickfire Dish Reviews: “I think you needed more jalapeño.” [Don’t you ever promise Padma heat and fail to deliver. Mama needs her spice.]
Elimination Challenge Dish: Shrimp ceviche with tomato concasse, shrimp cracker, pickled serrano, olive and caper.
Elimination Dish Reviews: “Just the sharpness of the radish really did it for me.” “It shows a lot of maturity.”
Chad came up huge this week, landing in the top three, thanks to his MATURE RADISHEZ. In combination with his glorious taco victory last week, it was enough to jump Chad a few spots. The editors seemed to credit his straight edge, judging by the shot of sober Chad looking wistfully at his own reflection while the rest of the chefs had a grand old time boozing it up and laughing. See? I told you this was an emo episode.
4. Amar (even)
(Will making a video with Amar bias my rankings? TIME WILL TELL.)
Nickname(s): Big Sleazy
Quickfire Dish: Wood-roasted chicken breast with roasted tomato celery vinaigrette and mushrooms a la grecque.
Quickfire Reviews: “Well I’m glad you used the mushrooms because you picked them.” “Well done.”
Elimination Dish: Butter-poached lobster, sautéed bok choy, tapioca coconut curry, and tempura onion rings. [Speaking of pointless ingredients, have you ever thought to yourself “Mmm, this is good bok choi!” Be honest.]
Elimination Reviews: “Everything is delicious and I thought it was spot on with your story.” “This lobster is cooked excellently.” “Bold choice to cook a lobster tail under the duress of competition.” [Whoa, check out the big brains on Blais. You sneak a thesaurus in under that pink shirt, bro?]
Amar, who seems like he’s been drafting just behind the lead pack this entire competition, looked like he was making a break for it in the quickfire, in which he landed a close second, despite cooking a chicken breast, the lamest and most boring of foods. No small feat. Then he went with a seemingly fool-proof strategy in the elimination challenge, cooking a dish conceived by a former boss, who was dying of ALS, who a few of the judges also knew (the emo episode, remember). It received rave reviews, but Amar was not in the top three. Curious.
Notable Quote(s):
“I know that Jerry would be proud.”
5. Carl (+1)
Nickname(s): Charlie White Guy, Ol’ Whatshisface, Him?
Quickfire Dish: Pan-roasted New York strip with tomato confit, grilled and raw jalapeño.
Quickfire Reviews: “I think the ratio of steak to tomato is off.”
Elimination Dish: Fricassee of California vegetables, burgundy snails and egg.
Elimination Reviews: “Everything was cooked really well and seasoned really well.” “This dish makes me smile so much.” [Gail loves snails. Good to know.]
Carl the human question mark made a big push this week, landing in the top three, and being involved in some MAJOR TOMATO DRAMA. Carl tried to steal all the tomatoes in the quickfire, then got dinged for having too much tomato. Talk about poetic tomato justice, am I right?? (*head emoji*) (*gun emoji*) (*tomato emoji*)
Then he came roaring back in the elimination challenge, when Gail Simmons couldn’t get enough of his delicious snail hash. Snail hash sounds like something I’d find in your mom’s panties, but judging by the reviews, it tasted better than it sounds. All in all, it probably wasn’t enough to remember Carl’s name when he shows up next week, but it’s a start.
Notable Quote(s):
“The first time I had snails I was like wow, this is so cool.” [perfect Carl quote]
6. Karen (-3)
Nickname(s): Rosie The Riveter
Quickfire Dish: Grilled steak salad with grilled and raw celery and jalapeño vinaigrette. [This looked pretty gross, to be honest].
Quickfire Reviews: “For a salad, it’s heavy on meat.” [Oh Padma, you saucy minx, do you ever say anything that I can’t interpret sexually?]
Elimination Challenge: Orecchiette with pork ragu & broccoli rabe.
Elimination Reviews: “I would’ve chopped up the radicchio, rather than having it on the side.” “I like it.” “All the elements are here, but you have to find a better relationship between your pasta and your sauce.” [Ohhhh snaaaap.]
Karen backslid a bit this week, after a few wins and top finishes these past few weeks. Who is the real Karen?! TIME WILL TELL.
7. Kwame (-6)
Nickname(s): Wormser, The Prodigy
Quickfire Dish: Fire-roasted chicken with tomato sauce and celery.
Elimination Dish: Jerk broccoli with corn bread pudding and smokey bleu cheese.
Elimination Reviews: “Kwame, this is just confusing the hell out of me.” “The pudding itself kinda reminds me of really mushy oatmeal.” “You definitely have an emotional connection with food, and in this case I think your emotion got in the way of your cooking skills.” [See? The Emo episode.]
Kwame had the top spot all locked up last week, then fell off a cliff this week, thanks to the producers reminding him of his strained relationship with his father. A memory so traumatic it made him cook gross broccoli and cut himself. You think he can sue for pain and suffering? It was weird to see the show’s most upbeat guy get sad all of a sudden because of his father. Now that I think about it, Kwame’s arc was kind of like that very special episode of The Fresh Prince. You know the one I mean. Anyway, I’m sure Kwame will be back with more positivity and upbeat food next week. (*DJ Jazzy Jeff flies out door*)
Notable Quote(s):
“10 years ago is when me and my father’s relationship really started to crumble.”
8. Isaac (+1)
Nickname(s): Cajun Man, Roux McClanahan, Cornbread
Quickfire Dish: Seared beef carpaccio with shaved jalapeño, with marinated mushrooms and concentrated tomato.
Quickfire Reviews: “You could’ve punched up the carpaccio, just so it looked a little neater.” “I could’ve used a little more acid.”
Elimination Challenge: Duck gumbo with roasted jalapeño andouille sausage, crispy rice cake and duck cracklins.
Elimination Reviews: “It’s really delicious.” “The sausage was done really well, but the casings were a little tough.” [Oh shut up, Mei.]
Much like the 10-year challenge brought up bad memories for Kwame, guess what Isaac was doing 10 years ago? Oh yeah, trying not to die in Hurricane Katrina. Way to go, Top Chef producers, you made the best character sad. Cornbread’s last pet lizard died in that storm. At least no one said “I like this dish, but it’s really drowning in the sauce.”
Isaac is a strange case, because judging on looks alone, I’d choose his food over anyone else’s in a heartbeat. Duck gumbo with cracklins and jalapeños? Count me IN. And yet he keeps getting dinged. I guess it is pretty disappointing when a chef can’t execute their own amazing-sounding dishes. Step it up, Isaac.
Notable Quote(s):
“Aw, shucks. We git ’em next time, Peppah.” [Editor’s Note: Peppah is Isaac’s lizard sidekick, who wears a tiny straw hat. Also, I made this up.]
9. Phillip (-2)
Nickname(s): Chef Top Knot, The Weez
Quickfire Dish: Tomato with center cut steak tartare, roasted jalapeño, mushroom, garlic, and celery.
Quickfire Reviews: “I love it, I feel like there’s this delicate, soft, supple flavor to it.” Whoa, settle down, Antonia, stop objectifying Phillip’s food.
Elimination Dish: Ceviche mixto with tiger shrimp, halibut, razor clams and squid.
Elimination Reviews: “It lacked the brightness that I always think a ceviche has.” “I would have all this deliciousness and then I would finish with this kind of not-so-fresh fish taste.” “I think you kind of shot yourself in the foot with the plating.”
It’s always a bad sign when a review of your food includes the same adjectives as a douche commercial. Oh, Phillip. Phillip seems to have become embittered by the fact that the judges all hate him (because he’s so smarmy and obnoxious) which has caused him to become even more smarmy and obnoxious in turn. Classic feedback loop. It seemed like Phillip had finally turned a corner in the quickfire challenge, then back slid in the elimination challenge, on account of serving what must be the show’s tenth or eleventh ceviche. Who knew a cold dish could be so hot right now?
Anyway, it’s a good thing Phillip is still in the competition, because without Chef Tomsula (Wesley) around, Phillip does most of the heavy lifting in terms of entertainment value. My favorite moment of the show was the look on Michael Voltaggio’s face as he hesitated for just a moment, trying to decide whether to return Phillip’s offered fist bump. He returned it, but reluctantly.
Notable Quote(s):
“10 years ago I was dating a Peruvian girl.” Of course you were, Phillip. You guys wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different school.
“It’s very lime-driven.” Of course it is, Phillip.
“I’m a very acidic cook!” Shut up, Phillip.
10. Jason (even) ((eliminated))
Nickname(s): Nerves, Cameron (From Ferris Bueller)
Quickfire Dish: Raw mushroom salad with shaved celery and chicken fat vinaigrette.
Quickfire Reviews: “I think the celery choice was really smart.” “I love celery.”
Elimination Dish: Poached trout with toasted beets, spring vegetable salad, and goat milk vinaigrette.
Elimination Reviews: “You perfectly poached a piece of fish, but then it stopped right there.” “I found the dish to be very underseasoned.” “It’s a bit of a letdown.”
I hate to say this, but I’m kind of glad Jason’s gone. He seems like a really good chef, but I don’t know how much more I could handle watching his fragile psyche crumble before our very eyes. Jason’s 10-year-flashback was to his first managerial position, during which he claims to have been even more of a tightass than he is now. I find that hard to believe. If only he had put some coal in his ass back then, something something diamonds you finish the joke. Tom Colicchio, king of understatement, was even heard to quip, “Jason, what’s going on? You seem to be really tight.”
Hindsight being 20/20, it was probably a bad call to try to cook a notoriously finicky dish that turned him into a nervous wreck 10 years ago. Also, it seems like there’s a pretty low ceiling on how good a poached trout could possibly be. He may be down now, but Jason is my early lock to return as the winner of Last Chance Kitchen. I just hope he gets medicated before then so I don’t have to soak up more of his awkwardness through the screen.
Notable Quote(s):
(*the sound of chattering teeth*)
Padma Lakshmi Outfit Watch
What a colorful, classy dress that covered up way too much. I’m hoping the gang has to cater a bikini party during sweeps week.
Vince Mancini is a writer and comedian living in San Francisco. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.