As we told you earlier, if you read Newsweek — and Allah help you if you do — then you already know that we, as Simple Americans, should prepare to FEEL THE RAGE OF ANGRY MUSLIMS WHO ARE ANGRY AT ALL TIMES. Because, obviously, every Muslim ever is hella pissed right now, as Gawker so helpfully pointed out.
Point is: Newsweek is America’s #1 magazine for trolls, and they’re getting rightfully torn apart for their bold-faced (lie of a) cover. For decades now, they’ve been setting the standard for hilariously alarmist covers, perfect for the terrified Mr. and Mrs. Notajew living in America, USA. Here’s some of their finest work through the years.
POT WILL KILL YOU AND RAPE YOUR GRANDMOTHERS. ( )
YOUR BABY THINKS MEXICAN PEOPLE ARE DIRTY AND DON’T GET HER STARTED ON ASIANS. ( )
YOU KNOW THAT SINGLE COOKIE YOU GAVE YOUR KID? BETTER START DIGGING THEIR COMICALLY OVERSIZED DITCH FOR THEIR BLOATED, DIABETES-RIDDEN CORPSE NOW. ( )
FEMALES ARE WORTHLESS TO MEN AFTER TURNING 35. ( )
THIRTEEN YEAR OLDS ARE RAW DOGGING IT IN YOUR BED WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING. ( )
OWNING A COMPUTER WILL MAKE YOU BRUTALLY SLAUGHTER AND EAT EVERYONE YOU LOVE. ( )
/WORLD EXPLODES ( )
HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD ABOUT THESE “BLACK” PEOPLE? THEY’RE COMING FOR US… ( )
TV IS TURNING YOU INTO THE HUMAN BEING EQUIVALENT OF A THIRD-GENERATION SPAWN OF A INCESTUOUS FAMILY OF BLOB FISH. ( )
DON’T BOTHER BREATHING — YOU’LL DIE IMMEDIATELY. ( )
IT TURNS OUT VAGINAS POSSESS BRAINS, AND HERE’S WHY YOU SHOULD BE SCARED. ( )
THE WORLD IS DROWNING IN A SEA OF BABIES. ( )
“The Jap.” ( )
THE NATION’S LARGEST RIVER IS NOTHING MORE THAN A TOXIC SLUDGE POND WHERE MUTATED FISH-LIKE CREATURES 69 EACH OTHER CONSTANTLY. ( )
I suppose this isn’t alarmist, but still: lol. ( )
