WARNING: Some of the images in this post will offend your sensibilities. Don’t complain about it in the comments, because we don’t care. Hope you skipped breakfast this morning… — MMP
The circumstances for this week’s mock draft are a bit unique. We’re not only missing The Maj, who is out in Colorado banging some other sports blogger (don’t worry, it’s not Chris Mottram), we’re also missing El Flubbarino, who was detained for possession of an open container in front of a dentist’s office early this morning.
So the four of us left over are going to draft infectious diseases. This edition might get the fewest comments in the history of this bit. Maj and Flub won’t believe what they’ve missed! And to tell you more about is our Guest Draft Commissioner, former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop.
Good morning, Gay Mafia. As much as I am fundamentally against a malicious cadre of sports BLOGGERS whimsically selecting life-threatening diseases for the sake of your own amusement and that of others, this fine stack of T-shirts you’ve bequeathed to my foundation has put me in a most humble mood.
PUNTER: People will do anything for free T-shirts.
KOOP: Welcome to the Kissing Suzy Cobbler 2008 Disease Mock Draft. For each round, you will be asked to select one disease that will sweep the population of the earth, one disease for which no one will ever find a cure, vaccination, or remedy.
Also, no one will legally be allowed to raise money for treatment or research of this disease once it has been selected. You and your loved ones would enjoy immunity to this disease.
And any potential economic effects of the disease, depleted labor force, etc., would go unnoticed.
God is basically handing you the keys to the next plague and saying, “Pick something.”
This draft shall proceed for three rounds. Mr. Ufford, you are on the clock.
1. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN – Zombie virus.
If you haven’t read World War Z, then I’m not really sure we can be friends. That’s the kind of apocalypse I’m looking for: I wouldn’t get enough enjoyment merely knowing that the homeless and bitchy blog commenters all over the world were suffering the horrifying death of being eaten by zombies; I also want the responsibility of caving in their skulls before we move on to repopulate the earth.
DREW: That’s not a real disease, dammit.
UFF: But it’s so COOL.
APE: I say okay on zombie virus
DR. KOOP: I’m allowing it, because I’ve read the book and it is awesome.
UFF: SCORE! Best draft commissioner EVAR.
2. MONDAY MORNING PUNTER – Leprosy.
I really want to know what would happen to things like fashion and beauty if everyone was horrifyingly ugly. Of course for me, this would mean a lifetime of being raped by ugly people, but that would be my contribution to science.
3. CHRISTMAS APE – Glaucoma.
I will lead the kingdom of the blind. Also, this will cause marijuana to be instantly legalized.
DR. KOOP: So, Mr. Ape. Why is it that you are a Christmas Ape, and not, say a Thanksgiving Ape?
4. BIG DADDY DREW – Alcoholism.
I want the world to go down partying hard. Everyone’ll be buying slices at 4AM and administering sloppy oral sex to one another before aspirating to death. Apocalypse? More like a Shiner Bockalypse!
PUNTER: Mmmm, Shiner Bock.
UFF: Excellent pick, Drew.
DR. KOOP: A very creative first round, gentlemen. Mr. Drew, you have the first selection for Round 2.
5. BIG DADDY DREW – Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD!)
That way, we all die drunk AND skinny!
6. CHRISTMAS APE – Alzheimer’s Disease.
What? Who took your car? Fuck if I know. I’m just the guy you owe $1,000 to.
7. MONDAY MORNING PUNTER – Penis grows on Stomach.
I couldn’t risk Ufford taking it.
UFF: Not to quibble, but how is that deadly? Seems more like a pleasant mutation.
DR. KOOP: I can assure you, having genetalia located directly on your abdomen is not pleasant.
PUNTER: Doesn’t have to be deadly…does it?
DR. KOOP: That’s not specified in the rules.
UFF: Doesn’t have to be deadly? Hardly the words I expect from a Republican. I would only expect that kind of pussified attitude from Drew.
DREW: Hey, I picked deadly diseases. They just also happen to be awesome.
PUNTER: I suppose I was thinking more scientific than apocalyptic. I’m going to change my pick.
Because this (red) campaign just bugs the shit out of me. You really think I want to spend an extra $20 on a cell phone because of AIDS? Why does my phone have to care about AIDS? My phone shouldn’t care about shit. How ironic that I want everyone clamoring about AIDS to go fuck themselves and die.
APE: I was considering SARS just to validate all the bullshit I had to hear about it.
UFF: Interesting pick. I was considering AIDS, but then I realized that no girl would have sex without a condom once the pandemic started, and I want none of that.
PUNTER: I would shelter “potential girls with whom I could be fornicating” under the “loved ones” provision.
UFF: Oh, well played. You’d get crazy ass just from chicks who hate condoms. And, uh, that other subset of women who don’t want to die of AIDS.
8. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN – Ebola.
Before SARS and Asian Bird Flu were supposed to destroy us all, ebola was the super-contagious African virus that made everybody shit their pants. And it wasn’t no bullshit respiratory ailment or deadly flu-like symptoms: ebola fucking MELTED YOUR GUTS and you died vomiting and shitting your melted guts and crying blood. Fuck yeah! Take that, everyone I hate… um, and billions of people I don’t know.
DR. KOOP: Mr. Ufford, you also hold the first selection for our third and final round.
9. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN – BRAINWORMS, bitches!
“Ooh, ow, I’ve got this really bad headache.” Well, that’s because a tapeworm’s in your brain. You will now die.
PUNTER: I didn’t realize Ufford’s war room was a video store in 1988.
APE: That trailer for The Ruins with all those worms is fucking creepy.
10. MONDAY MORNING PUNTER – Malaria.
Where are you fucking nets now, Rick Reilly?
UFF: Hey, your card says “moleria” on it. Is that the mosquito-borne disease in which infected people turn into moles?
DR. KOOP: Who’s Rick Reilly?
11. CHRISTMAS APE – Hemophilia.
I’ve already got the populace blind and forgetful, but there’s the outside chance for people to get on my nerves. Therefore I could make them susceptible to death with even the slightest injury.
12. BIG DADDY DREW – Nymphomania.
Drunken, skinny, horny people.
PUNTER: Once again, I had the worst draft of the lot.
UFF: I think I may have been a little too vindictive in my selections.That’s so unlike me.
DR. KOOP: This concludes the 2008 Disease Draft.
PUNTER: Well, no shit.