Quien Es Mas Macho: Dungy O Belichick?

11.02.07 11 years ago 27 Comments

Last year, the one known as the Maj penned an enlightening piece on who to root for between the Pats and Colts. After some heavy thought and two rounds of bong hits, Maj picked the Pats.

But here we are, one year later, and the choice is no longer quite so clear. These are two really fucking annoying teams, largely because they win a lot and my team does not. There’s only one way to figure out who to root for on Sunday. And that’s to bust out the Pro and Con lists for a special mini-edition of…

Quien Es Mas Macho: Dungy O Belichick?

Tony Dungy

Pros:
-Nice guy
-Super Bowl champ
-Muy macho
-Best-selling author to sucker Christian readers who’ll buy anything Pastor Walton commands them to
-Supposedly classy, which almost makes me think he’s a closet sexual deviant, which would be cool
-Aerodynamic, pyramid-shaped head
-Goofy ears allow him to hear Rob Morris farting from the 30-yard-line
-Found Randy Moss’ moon mime in Green Bay funny
-Only black man in America who wears pleated Dockers
-Black, but not black enough to be threatening to pasty white sports journalists, who are positively terrified of Mike Tomlin

Cons:
-Mustache lacks thickness of Reid’s, wispiness of porn star’s
-Came out against hot interracial Owens-on-Sheridan shower banging
-Not a Jake Gyllenhaal fan
-Closeted afficionado of Corn Nuts
-Like Flanders, refuses to buy insurance because he views it as gambling
-Extreme kindness and piety just a cover for the fact that he murdered a hitchhiker back in ’81.

Bill Belichick

Pros:

Cons:
-Asshole
-Seriously, the guy is a fucking asshole
-Refuses to hire Jennifer Beals as sleeve-cutting consultant
-Showers less frequently than Christopher McCandless did or currently does
-Would strangle your wife if it meant getting useful info for his practice squad, and would enjoy it
-Has broken more arms during intercourse than Rocco Siffredi
-Has raped Brady while quarterback was asleep
-Hates you and your family
-Hates God
-Hates the world
-But loves craisins. Adores them

Two manly men, but they’re no Jack Lord. Personally, I think the Pats win by two touchdowns or more. But what about you? What do you think? QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?!

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