Fun With Mock Drafts: Sugary Cereals That Are Worth the Risk of Diabetes

02.10.12 6 years ago 155 Comments

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Welcome to the first mock draft of the 2012 off-season. Once again we’ll be holding a weekly mock draft each Friday between now and the actual NFL draft during April’s final week. Now if you’re new to the site you should probably know that these mock drafts have absolutely nothing to do with football. Real mock drafts are worthless, so we do this to pass the time instead. Feeling left out? Worry not, you can play along in the comment section. Plus, during the time between the draft and the Hall of Fame Game we’ll be holding similar weekly drafts for the commenters.

This week’s draft will be a three-round affair, with sugary cereals up for grabs. Save your Kix and Cheerios for another week, this one is just for sugar bombs. Cereals will need to have a minimum of 9 grams of sugar per 3/4 cup serving* to qualify (check stats here if you are unsure). The cereals do not have to be currently available, so all of your childhood favorites that were banned by the FDA are fair game.

*I call this the Honey Nut Cheerios standard.

The draft order is as follows.

1. Captain Caveman
2. Ape
3. Big Daddy Drew
4. Unsilent Majority
5. Flubby

1. CC – Cocoa Krispies

You finish your bowl, then you get to drink chocolate milk.

2. Ape – Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Whatever you do, watch this video

So good, I ignore the fact that Wendell murdered the other two bakers for control of the company fortune.

3. BDD – Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries ALL Berries Limited Edition

This was Crunch Berrries without the pesky Cap’n Crunch pieces getting in the way. Fucking heaven.

4. UM – Fruity Pebbles

Unnaturally colorful image of deliciousness via shutterstock.

I’m not sure which was better, the bowl for breakfast, the bowl as a snack, or the bowl after hitting a bowl. I was a specimen of good health.

5. Flubby – Honeycomb

I remember these big pieces that were super sweet with the density of sandstone–making it impossible to get mushy. Mushy cereal is the worst.

First Round Recap: Ape lands the best cereal of all time, and Drew picks one that was released in 1997. It doesn’t take too much imagination to imagine him eating this stuff by the box in an otherwise empty dorm room.

6. Flubby – C-3POs

I always wondered what the hell they were supposed to be shaped like. The infinity symbol?

7. UM Cracklin’ Oat Bran

For years my mom was under the mistaken impression that these things were healthy. Their innocuous name and dry brown appearance make for the perfect cereal subterfuge. In reality, they have nearly twice as much sugar as Cinnamon Toast Crunch and more saturated fat than a serving of breakfast sausage. They also have a touch of nutmeg, which makes me think that they are responsible for PK’s doughy physique.

8. BDD- Cocoa Puffs

Like Cocoa Krispies, except they NEVER get soggy.

9. Ape – Boo Berry

In recent years, Target made it available year-round, but for the longest time I had to stockpile the stuff when it was only available one month out of the year.

10. CC – Honey Smacks

FUCKING DIG THEM. This was one of the few sugary cereals my parents would let me have as a kid, although I have no idea why:

In a 2008 comparison of the nutritional value of 27 cereals, U.S. magazine Consumer Reports found that both Honey Smacks and Post Cereals’ Golden Crisp were the two brands with the highest sugar content, more than 50 percent (by weight), commenting “There is at least as much sugar in a serving of Kellogg’s Honey Smacks […] as there is in a glazed doughnut from Dunkin’ Donuts”. (The cereals are both sweetened puffed wheat.) Consumer Reports recommended parents to choose cereal brands with better nutrition ratings for their children.

Second Round Recap: Flubby goes full nerd, and I bust out my sleeper pick a bit too early. I might have been a bit overeager.

11. CC – Super Golden Crisp

Aside from being pretty much the same cereal as Smacks, it had a catchy-as-fuck jingle.

That bear’s fucking smooth, man. Like a jazzy ursine Georgle Clooney.

12. Ape – Cookie Crisp


Need a chocolate option to balance out my gluttony. Bring back the robber and dog mascots and I’m set.

13. BDD – S’Mores Crunch

Basically, it was chocolate Golden Grahams with HUGE marshmallows littering the box. I;m sure it was illegal in at least 47 states.

14. UM – Reese’s Puffs

Mmmm, candy flavored cereal…

15. Flubby – Froot Loops

My kid brought home a baggie of Froot Loops and some string from preschool a couple of weeks ago so he could make a necklace. We ended up having to make a bracelet instead.

Third Round Recap: Caveman’s pick brings back a flood of memories for yours truly. That commercial was better than most of the actual cartoons I watched in the late 80’s. Then we inadvertently recreated the part from Community when Troy admits that he was too young to understand the reference to the Cookie Crisp Wizard because when he was a kid the Cookie Crisp mascot was a burglar. Bring back that fucking show immediately.

Draft Overview: It’s pretty shocking that Lucky Charms went undrafted. That’s what you get for filling half of your box with misshapen Cheerio’s, General Mills. Even more of an upset is Froot Loops dropping all the way to Mister Irrelevant. Oh, and I completely forgot about Frosted Flakes. Fortunately Clinton Portis is here to remind us of their value.

Take your turn in the comments. And as always, wait ten picks before going again.

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