There was no way Game of Thrones was going to top last week’s monumentally bloody “The Rains of Castamere,” and wisely, “Mhysa” didn’t even try. Instead, we got a fairly satisfying reminder that oh yeah, this character? He’s in a bad spot. And her? You best believe things aren’t looking good for her, too. It was a finale that checked in with everyone, and without adding too much information, set up new developments on old stories, like Jaime returning home as a broken man and Dany continuing on with another army in tow. Also, family is apparently very important.
It was not Game of Thrones‘ finest hour, nor was it their weakest — it was a necessary next step after the events of Red Wedding, which has ramifications of all over Westeros, from the leech-ridden halls of Dragonstone to King’s Landing, where Joffrey is as happy about what transpired as Sansa is miserable. It was also an extremely dark episode. The show always takes, well, I’m not sure if the right word is “pleasure,” but it enjoys exploring the darkness of the world, where the terrors roam free, and “Mhysa,” despite its hopeful finale scene, was a cruel reminder that anyone who thinks they’re happy is just biding their time until they’re miserable again. Today, for the final GIF of Thrones until next year (talk about depressing things), I’ve ranked 15 or so characters by how f*cked they are in their current predicament. The lower the number, the worse things seem. Valar Morghulis.
15. Hodor (Via)
Give Hodor a well, he’ll keep on Hodorin’ in the free world for hours.
14. Daenerys Targaryen (Via)
So, Dany’s Jesus now. Hope that’s cool with everyone, especially the “exotic” folk, who are in OBVIOUS need of saving from a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, skinny white girl. Between her army growing by the thousands each day, three dragons, two distrustful sidekicks, one loyal translator, and love of crowdsurfing, Dany’s trudging ever onward, to take her rightful place on the Iron Throne. Until then, though, it’s going to be a slow ride. Honestly, I’m a little surprised “Mhysa” ended with Dany outside of Yunkai — partially because she already had the final shot of a season, back in “Fire and Blood,” but also, after nearly 70 minutes, I had forgotten about her. Yet, more than any other character on Game of Thrones, Dany is used as a rare source of bright light in an otherwise dark landscape, and we’re really meant to back her cause, especially with the Starks out of the picture. And hey, if she becomes the king/queen/whatever and it doesn’t work, don’t blame me, I voted for Hot Pie.
13. Samwell Tarly (Via)
He’s got the girl (without having the girl), he’s got a baby named after him, he’s figured out how to kill the White Walkers, AND he’s put down his sword for an inky quill. Everything’s coming up Tarly. The same can’t be said for Maester Aemon, who looks like John Lithgow, if he were an old onion. Speaking of:
12. Ser Davos Seaworth (Via)
Just in case you didn’t pick up what was going on here. (Team Davos’s Voice.) Now’s also as good a time as any for the final Attractive Women of Game of Thrones Power Rankings of the season: 5) Melisandre, 4) Theon’s Mystery Wenches, 3) Ygritte, 2) Daenerys Targaryen, and 1) Margaery Tyrell, who was disappointingly absent in the final two episodes. Too busy trying on ice cream cone dresses, I suppose.
11. Jon Snow/Ygritte (Via)
HAHAHAHA. I loved season three, but I would have enjoyed it that much more if every episode contained at least one scene where someone shoots arrows at Jon Snow. Not one arrow, mind you, but ARROWS. Despite their near-matching outfits, Ygritte deserves so much better than He Who Pouts, and Rose Leslie’s performance was as masterful as ever. She loves him, so she can’t kill him, but she also can’t NOT plug him with arrows; she chooses her spots carefully, making sure that he feels just as much pain as she does when riding home. Jon’s Beyond the Wall adventures end with him right back where he came, among his brothers in the Night’s Watch. The future doesn’t look as promising for Ygritte, but as long as she keeps telling people what they don’t know, she’ll be fine.
10. Joffrey Baratheon (Via)
In which an old man makes the king seem like a snot-nosed child. In the books (sorry), Joffrey’s still a ruthless monster, yes, but he isn’t so quick as to reveal his weird sexual kinks in front of his father and the rest of his council. On the TV show, however, he’s a mustache-twirling supervillain who ties girls to train tracks and makes them watch as he boils their entire family alive in a pot full of electric eels and piranhas. His ego knows no boundaries; neither does his smile when he delivers Tyrion the news of what happened to Robb, a plot he had nothing to do with, but takes all the credit for anyway. Or will, once he’s done taking a nap. (NOTE: I’m not including Tywin on this list because the man doesn’t recognize the meaning of the word “f*cked.” Also, if Charles Dance isn’t nominated for an Emmy for his work this season, I’m going to write many sternly-worded letters, all sealed with wax.)
9. Brienne of Tarth (Via)
Brienne really needed a win. Renly died, Cat’s gone (though she doesn’t know that yet), and she had to fight a bear — she, as much as anyone, had to accomplish something she could be proud of, which she did, returning the Kingslayer, I mean, Jaime to King’s Landing, where he’ll sleep soundly next to his sister. But what about Brienne? What’s in store for her? Hopefully not bears. Girl’s had enough bears for the rest of her life.
8. Bran Stark (Via)
Crafty bit of potential foreshadowing there, Bran?
7. Walder Frey (Via)
Eh, Walder? Also, who knew Roose was such a big Alphaville fan? “It’s so hard to get old without a cause/I don’t want to perish like a fading wolf.” Charlie Kelly-approved.
6. Jaime Lannister/Cersei Lannister (Via)
I’m combining COUNTRY BOY and Cersei, because soon, they’re going to be combined, if ya catch my meaning. Actually, probably not, considering the way Lannisters great and small, except the especially small, treat those who might be described as “crippled.” Jaime, once the golden child, returns home without his greatest attribute — imagine Tywin without his scowl or Cersei without her vicious tongue — and his sister’s reaction to seeing her brother lover for the first in ages is a mix of happiness, sadness, and disbelief. He’s not the man he once was; he’s 1/20th less.
5. Shae (Via)
Like my mom always said, when a man who had his penis cruelly taken from him offers you jewels, you take them.
4. Robb Stark (Via)
This is the single most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen on Game of Thrones, more so than even Jaime’s stump or Joffrey’s face. The only reason it’s not higher is because Robb ain’t feeling a thing where he is right now. The poor cleaning girls who had to wash up his and his mother’s blood haven’t felt a thing in 20 years, either.
3. Arya Stark (Via)
Sung to the tune of “Walk Outside” from The Adventures of Milo and Otis
We’re gonna take a walk outside today
Gonna see who we can stab today
Gonna take a walk outside today
Gonna see who we can stab today.
On a pretty little countryside the sun comes up
On a curious Stark and a scar-faced pup
A brand new life outside the door
Follow your nose and go bleed four more
2. Sansa Stark (Via)
Oh, Sansa, you dumb beautiful butterfly. Even if you don’t know the word for it, your life is shift right now. Murders to the left, marriages to imps to the right (which you were coming around on, until…yeah), and no matter where you go, you’ll always be reminded of what the Lannisters did to your family. Of the Starks who are still alive (not including Rickon, because he’s not a person; he’s a theory, like Communism or Bobby #3 on Mad Men), a number that’s dwindling by the day, Sansa’s the one who still most believes in things working in a certain “honorable” way. But whether she wants to or not, she’s learning that’s not the case, like Arya already has.
1. Theon Greyjoy/Reek (Via)
Yeah, Theon’s f*cked, which ironically, is something he’ll never do again.
