Timmy Tebow Is Peter King’s New Favrecycle

12.05.11 6 years ago 67 Comments

When we last left Black Veterans Day protester Peter King, he was nominating Roger Goodell for Sportsman of the Year. Seriously? He did that? God, I hate him. Roger Goodell is an idiot and I hope he gets raped with a lit Duralog.

So what about this week? Are the Texans still considering bringing in Favre, even though they aren’t considering it at all? Were the Dolphins not shocked and awed by the Raiders’ 2000 draft class yesterday? NEVER HAVE THEY ENCOUNTERED A MORE PUNTY OR KICKY TEAM. Is Peter still trying to stay in semi-regular touch with every stroke victim he knows? Why did LSU coaches NEVER use Pat Peterson on punt returns, except for 26 times? Time to light up the questioning-authority and participatory-journalism beacon (which is grail-shaped) and READ ON.

You know I’m not exactly the president of the Donovan McNabb fan club, but the Bears need to call the unemployed McNabb today.

For what? Do they have leftover bagels that need eating?

Their quarterback situation is about to ruin a team with a real chance to be a factor in January.

Oh, but with Donovan McNabb in fold for four games, and playing in an entirely new offense, the Bears can sit back and pup the chocolate wine, which I assume McNabb owns by the case.

3. If there’s been a story like Tebow’s in the 27 years I’ve covered the NFL, I’m having a hard time recalling it.

I know! Who ever heard of a player overcoming doubters and managing to thrive? Except for Kurt Warner, and Tom Brady, and Priest Holmes, and Arian Foster, and 60,000 other people?

It’ll be surprising if Tebowmania doesn’t come to Sunday night football in 13 days.

TEBOWMANIA. Coming to live from TEBOWLAND, right in the heart of downtown CHAOSVILLE.

Brady-Tebow. Belichick-Tebow.

Welker-Tebow! Gronk-Tebow! Mayo-Tebow! EVERYONE-Tebow! Tebow is like a raspberry lambic: You can pair him with ANYTHING.

Mega-ratings for NBC.

Uber-Nielsens for NBC! Where I work alongside MANY FAMOUS PEOPLE YOU HAVE HEARD OF! Just wanted to let you know that our little network is thriving!

Week 13’s compelling people

-Mitch Puin!
-Pam Whiteley!
-The Bowerseseseses!

An aside to Bronco Nation:

Excuse me. It’s not a nation. It’s more a religious compound that the FBI will hopefully raid and set ablaze.

Still furious at the McDaniels Era?

YES! What are you, a fucking idiot?

He is, after all, the man who drafted the best story in sports.

Oh, kudos to him! Always good to draft stories and not players. Next year, I hope the team brings McDaniels back so he can draft a one-armed mute. WHAT A STORY. Rick Reilly already has 800 words in the can ready on it. “When you watch Trevor Cunnywood play, YOU will be the one left speechless.”

Shoot, and maybe the best story overall.

“Forget about me hiding in the attic. HOW ABOUT THAT TEBOW?”

-Anne Frank

After another Sunday of yelling at the Denver game on one of the TVs in the NBC viewing room…


— believe me, it’s a weekly occurrence —

Because we all love Tebow and want to be his “the first”! When Dunge watches Tebow play, he masturbates the long end of a crucifix!

…the digestion process began.


What exactly are we watching here, other than the nuttiest story in recent sports history?

Well, Peter. You’re watching a 7-5 team with a good running game and efficient-if-unspectacular QB win a game thanks to Christian Ponder throwing the worst interception ever. It was so awful, there should have been a little trademark symbol with the name BLEDSOE floating alongside it.

I spoke with Tebow…

Save those voicemails! He is your new Favre. HE IS THE JESUS BARON.

I asked him if he felt what was going on around the country right now, with people from everywhere zoned in on his incredible, quirky, starry and winning run.

What a great question. MMQB is like an 8,000-word Michele Tafoya sideline report. “Everyone loves you, Tim! How does that FEEL?”

Before I let Tebow go, I asked him if anyone after the game — coaches, players, execs — had said anything memorable to him.

Holy shit, really? “Hey Tim, could do you me a solid and scrounge up some quotes for me? Something interesting. GIMME SOME NUGGETS.”

“Everybody was happy,” he said, “but I’ll tell you one thing that happened during the week that I remember … ”

Good, I thought. John Fox, maybe, sidling up to him and saying something sportingly profound like, “Son, we’re going to ride that left arm and those legs to the Super Bowl.”

That’s so perfect I want to house it in a glass display case and have retard tourists come and gawk at it. Here’s Peter crowdsourcing his job to Tim Tebow, then openly DAYDREAMING about Tebow delivering an utterly useless soundbite to him before Tebow can say whatever he’s about to say. Perfect. GLORIOUS. DESERVEDLY. Say Tim, could you hold up there for a minute? I want to fantasize about Elway telling you, “This is a funny game sometimes.”

(Peyton) Manning may have seemed evasive when interviewed by James Brown on the CBS pregame show Sunday, and he was.

Peyton Manning was evasive when interviewed by James Brown on the CBS pregame show Sunday. There. Make sense, better. My hair may seem brown, and it IS.

2. New England (9-3). As admirable a game as the Colts played for about 80 percent of it…

LEGIT 80 percent.

3. Baltimore (9-3). Three games do not a trend make, and so I did not purchase the one about the Ravens not being able to beat bad teams after emotional wins.

There’s your Butchered PK Sentence of the Week. Trends, I purchase them.

Just too weird.


4. San Francisco (10-2). All those who had the Niners clinching the division in Week 13, raise your hands. Thought you’d be the only one, Jack Harbaugh.

Week 13, Week 13, Week 13.

Really looking forward to the Saints-Niners divisional game at Candlestick in six weeks.


I think at Candlestick, but you never know.

MAYBE at Candlestick. Call it a +180 bet.

10. Denver (7-5). The Broncos made the front page of the Drudge Report Sunday. Or, rather, Tim Tebow did. “MIRACLE: TEBOW DOES IT AGAIN!” was the headline on the famous news blog.

Was there a little siren next to the item with a glowing Virgin Mary spinning around inside it?

11. Miami (4-8). Last seven games: 4-3 … Miami 171, Foes 92. Do I think they beat the Giants, Lions and Bears on a neutral field in Wichita tomorrow?

WICHITA!!!!!!! THE MOST NEUTRAL OF FIELDS. Why can’t all NFL games be played there?

How nutty is this: The Giants have lost four in a row, and if they win out in the last four weeks, they win the division.

Not nutty at all when you consider how bad their division is.


STOP SAYING EVERYTHING IS WEIRD. Whoa hey, this is weird. Who would have guessed a year ago that I’d be having Philz coffee in San Francisco? OH THE PLACES LIFE TAKES YOU.

Chris Johnson… said early in the season the passing game was carrying the offense, and now it’s the runners’ turn. He’s been his old Chris Johnson self the past two weeks.

Always good to be your old you self.

Quote of the Week III

“I can take getting beat by a better football team. I wish they were.”

— Tampa Bay coach Raheem Morris, on the Carolina Panthers.

That quote’s the definition of bulletin-board material for Carolina.

It leads the league in gall.

Quote of the Week IV

“We’re in great shape … one win away from feeling a lot better.”

— Chicago coach Lovie Smith

I challenge that statement.

The Bears visit Tebowville this weekend

TEBOWVILLE! Where the streets are paved with abstinence pamphlets and angels serve you home fries at the local diner. And it rains Kirk Cameron DVDs EVERY DAY.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Bill Parcells used to say, “God’s playing in some of these games.”

“And God ain’t no Jap.”

Ever notice going to New Orleans is like going to a foreign country?

Yes, because everything’s dirty and no one can speak proper English.

We ate lunch at a place called Cochon, a New Orleans fixture for its interesting fare. I noticed that all four beers on tap were local, including the Tin Roof Brewery’s Voodoo Bengal brew; nine of the 18 beers in bottles were locals, including Lazy Magnolia Pecan Ale.

“God, all of these beers have too much beer in them! Why can’t I find one that’s been loaded up with a bunch of crap? PECAN ALE. That’s the ticket.”

The bars and restaurants in the French Quarter are more Americanized, but it’s still one of the most walkable American cities…

Join us in the offseason when Peter ranks the top 5 cities in the world in terms of walkable-ness. The moonswept windscape of Dallas will NOT be found on the list, but Pittsford NY will!

I don’t remember the last bad day I had in New Orleans. I don’t think there’s ever been one.

That’s because you’re an affluent white person.

1. I think this is what I liked about Week 13:

a. Ross Tucker’s news sense. The former player and current SiriusXM, YES and Versus announcer was the first one to tweet the Vikings would claim Sage Rosenfels after releasing Donovan McNabb. Good get, Ross.

Good job, other person who actually finds useful information! In other news… Could the Texans still have a little Favre itch? If I say enough times, they will!

b. The Seahawks, who are better than we think.

c. Especially you, Marshawn Lynch.

d. Why did this need separate bullet points?

e. Oh! Because giving Marshawn his own personal bullet gives the message that personal touch that a text message simply doesn’t have.

f. Looking more and more like yourself, Chris Johnson.

Your old Chris Johnson self, which the BEST self to be!

g. Dan Orlovsky’s second drive at Foxboro (even though he missed a wide-open Dallas Clark for a touchdown): 19 plays, 67 yards, field goal.

Reader Clue Heywood: “Dallas Clark was inactive this week. Maybe that’s why he was wide open. If Orlovsky was still throwing to him, that might be worse than running out of the back of the end zone.”

Congrats to FOX info man John Czarnecki on the wedding of his daughter Vanessa Friday night. And a lovely bride she was.

Again, this bullet point was written in lieu of an actual gift. Peter ain’t paying $500 for a Tiffany lamp off that registry. GET REAL, VANESSA.

h. Way to cover Roddy White, Texans. He’s a receiver for Atlanta. Pretty good one. You’re not supposed to let him run around with no defender within 10 yards, Houston.

Yeah, Houston! Way to pretty much hold White in check all day (4 catches) and then win the game, Texans. GOOD JOB, Texans of Houston.

i. Jermichael Finley’s not in the class of Rob Gronkowski or Jimmy Graham, in my mind. Drops too many.

j. Contagious. Greg Jennings even dropped one with the game on the line in the fourth quarter, and he never has the dropsies.

Look at the segue between the first bullet point and the second and tell me that it wasn’t composed by Peter’s pet monkey, who dances on Peter’s ample back fat and pisses on his keyboard after Peter falls asleep at his laptop at 3AM.

I think I was stunned to hear the other day that the Army-Navy game had never been played in Washington in 111 meetings…

That’s because it’s usually played in Philadelphia.

and I don’t think I was the only one. “It’s shocking the game has never been here before,” Redskins owner Dan Snyder said at an Army-Navy luncheon the other day.

People, I am SHOCKED that Dan Snyder would have limited knowledge of football. Seriously though, the game has been played in Philly seven of the past eight years, and was played there for thirty-seven straight years from 1945 to 1982. So yeah, SHOCKING that a game normally played in Philly would not be played somewhere that is not Philly.

The game has mostly been played at a stadium not in one team’s backyard; the Naval Academy is in nearby Annapolis.

“Hmmm… how can I link together two separate thoughts in a single sentence so that it kinda sounds like the Army/Navy game is ALWAYS played in Annapolis even though it isn’t? I got it! SEMICOLON.”

Good for Snyder for getting it there.

Way to make more money off your terrible stadium, terrible person!

I think I would be surprised if Andy Reid either is fired or chooses to quit.

I find it hard to believe someone who is terminally unable to manage the clock and just presided over one of the most disastrous seasons in team history would be fired. Sorry, folks. NOT SEEING IT.

(Aaron Rodgers is) just smart, and he doesn’t have to say, “Hey, I’m smart,” for you to understand.

If you read this column, he does.

a. My favorite color in sports: Toronto Maple Leafs blue.

But what’s your favorite NUMBER? I must know! And if you were a car, what kind of car would you be?

f. The longer Seinfeld is in the rear-view mirror, the more I hear it quoted. And the more I like it.

We’re just three short years away from Peter discovering Chuck Norris jokes.

g. Glad I don’t have a Heisman vote.

As am I, since you’d be the only person ON EARTH less rational than a current Heisman voter.

h. Football fan to me on Second Avenue in New York Saturday night: “Hey Peter! Manning or Luck for the Colts?”


Me to fan: “Both.”

Me to fan: (wet farting noise)

Coffeenerdness: You know it’s Week 13 of the football season when, one day in midweek, you realize the reason you’ve got the 11 a.m. headache building is because you’ve been pre-occupied and haven’t had a strong cup of Italian Roast.

I know! Happens to me EVERY Week 13.

Beernerdness: Need to catch up on my winter beers. How depressing that I’ve been working so much I’m falling behind on my consumption.

Awww, poor you! Such a shame you didn’t have time to drink beer because you were working and DRINKING PECAN BEER IN NEW ORLEANS, YOU TIT.

Bobby Valentine to the Red Sox:

Oh, Christ. Here we go.

Seems like the most logical manager for that team at this time. He’s going to discipline guys, I would think.


I can’t see the Jags generating enough offense to win, unless Maurice Jones-Drew runs wild, which he might do. Interesting.


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