(These logos are the work of David Rappoccio. You can find him on Twitter at @drawplaydave.)
It’s summer, and there’s one undeniable truth about this season: It is clearly the most American of all the seasons. There’s Memorial Day, the unofficial start of the season, then the Fourth of July, baseball, cold beers, cookouts, the beach, fireworks for no damn reason, and more cold beers. But this summer is even more American because we just wrapped up both political parties’ national conventions.
So as we clean up the thousands of red, white, and blue balloons that fell from the rafters, and prepare for a few months more of political bickering, let’s take a moment to do something completely frivolous and stupid (as Americans are wont to do) and reimagine NFL logos as AMERICAN STUFF.
(And if you’d like to see a different side of America, you can always revisit our Donald Trump NFL logos.)
Washington, D.C. Home base for freedom. Named after the greatest man in the history of the universe. Really, with all the name controversy going on with the Washington Football Team, why not fully embrace the man, the myth, the legend?
Sometimes a team is already so full of freedom that you really don’t have to change much.
Sure, I guess there are other cities in the world that are important. But lets face it, the most important is New York. It’s so important that if you live in New York, you get to say “I’m a New Yorker,” but if you don’t live in the city, you have to specify. The city is so important it takes away the credit of everyone else in the state.
The greatest captain in comics? America. You don’t see Captain Canada getting major blockbuster releases starring dreamboat Chris Evans.
In case you didn’t know (in which case you must not be a proud American), Manifest Destiny is the term given in the 19th century referring to our God-given right as Americans to expand our empire of settlements all the way across the continent and touch two oceans. It is our destiny to have beaches where we can watch the sun rise and set over water, with a whole lot of BBQ in between.
Land of a thousand lakes? Land of a thousand FREEDOMS.
John Adams was an extremely important founding father but he tends to get overlooked and only served one term as President. In America, we call one termers “losers,” a name with which the Lions are very familiar.
I’ll be honest, this is my favorite pun team name of this entire project.
Americana is a broad term that refers to a lot of history and culture of the States but really tends to refer to the ’50s and Route 66 stuff like you see in old Fallout games and the movie Cars. Why did I chose the Bucs for this? Because I’m an American, and I can do what I want. Square pegs will go in round holes if you smack it hard enough.
Be safe with fireworks, kids. But not too safe. That’s the American way. Besides, do you really need every finger? Toes too. Who needs toes anyway? Blow ’em off, then you can’t stub them on table legs anymore.
Ben Franklin was a party hard playboy who is essential to our glorious country in every way. But as great as he was, he was never the President. Kind of like how the Panthers still can’t win a Super Bowl.
Jazz is one of the few forms of music that America has created. Started deep down in New Orleans around the turn of the 19th century. Therefore Jazz is the best music on earth. Don’t pay attention to that impostor from Utah, the Jazz are New Orleans.
The Rams moved from a reasonable American city to the CENTER OF THE ENTERTAINMENT WORLD. There are other countries and cities that produce entertainment, but L.A. is the most important. L.A. would be the most important city in the world if it wasn’t for New York, the other most important city in the world.
Many years ago, hundreds of people set off across the great country of America to settle the west. These pioneers sought the Oregon Territory, which is modern day Oregon and Washington. Seattle is a city built on the backs of these great travelers, who would probably be horrified to see the hipsters that reside there now.
Hamburgers are great. But they are named after a city in Germany and are not truly American. But then America did what America does best: adapt parts of the many cultures that make our melting pot and turn it into food that tastes incredible and will contribute to our early death. One day, a great man decided to put cheese on a hamburger and changed the world. God bless that man. God bless America.
Don’t look at me that way, basketball. We can share the honor of the most glorious year in the history of the world.
Other countries might have grain. They might have amber. But they can’t put the two together under a glorious midwestern sun on a John Deere with a cold beer. That cold beer is Coors Light, because only Americans can literally tap mountains for refreshing beverages.
The Liberty Bell is an icon of America, because we ring our bells so damn hard that they break from freedom.
Uncle Sam is the best. You know that one really cool uncle you had who always gave you the best toys? That’s America. Look at all the cool toys we have given the world. We gave them cars. We gave them atom bombs (play with it outside, kids). We gave them the internet. Personal computers. Light bulbs. PHONES. Airplanes. Television. MICROWAVES. America invented the modern world and the rest of you lazy bums are just living in it.
You always know when the coolest guy enters the room at a party. You know their reputation, but when they enter, that party is lit. That’s basically how wars feel when we enter them. WWII was some lame clunker of a party until America got invited and then we tore the damn house down.
Thomas Jefferson was a great man. He wrote pretty much all the important stuff on our famous early documents, and he did it without needing spellcheck or a keyboard. That’s a hero.
The seal of the United States is an eagle with a bunch of other stuff holding a banner in it’s beak that says “E Pluribus Unum,” which means “out of many, one.” You know, how our country is made, as one gigantic sexy mega super power made up from many small, also very sexy super powers.
You might be wondering why I gave the name Cowboys to the other Texas team instead of the one literally named Cowboys. Well, I’m a Giants fan, so this is me taking time out of my day to be a petty jerk.
The best part of America is just how incredibly free we are. All of us are free. We are the free-est. We are the land of the free.
Brown is the color of the ground, and poop, and chocolate. Well, I guess chocolate is cool, but poop isn’t. We need better colors to represent America. Red, for how all of us are willing to bleed for America. White, for how morally pure our souls are, and blue, for how depressed we make everyone else feel for not being as awesome.
Much like the Bengals, Alexander Hamilton was a pretty great dude who tended to get shot at inconvenient times and never reached his full potential.
The Steelers have more Super Bowl wins than any other team. They are the best, proudly standing ahead of everyone else, just like America.
Our mountains are purple. You might say no, that’s just a trick of the light on the rock, but that means you aren’t American, because our mountains are majestic and purple.
William Wallace was a great Scottish hero who shouted “FREEDOM” in a movie once. He just wanted America level liberty for his countrymen.
America invented the internet. The greatest and arguably most important invention/porn delivery system of the modern age and one of the greatest inventions in history. Made by the U.S. government trying to come up with a communication network between computers, now the entire world is connected and at any point you can just hop on twitter and call someone halfway across the globe an asshole simply for having a different opinion on cheese than you.
Other countries have really fancy names for their leader’s place of residence. They have to build up the importance of their leaders by placing them in fancy castles or fortresses. America? America doesn’t need to show off, because we know we are the best. That’s why the leader of the free world and the most powerful man in the entire universe lives in a place simply called a White House. We don’t need to compensate.
Sometimes things just work out perfectly.
Thank you. And if you need more NFL logos as if they were American, please be sure to check out the Fat logos.
