When we left “Big Brother” on Thursday night, the hamsters were slipping and sliding around the backyard trying to fill snowmen with cloudy fluid in order to win Head of Household.
Thanks to a couple colleagues who think that because they watch the feeds, posting off-air results doesn't count as a spoiler, I already know who won HoH, but click through for the full live-blog as I pretend to be surprised.
8:04 p.m. Victoria fall down! Nicole fall down! Nicole fall down again! And again! Christine wants to have the power and she thinks it'd be funny if she sent Nicole home twice. Derrick wants the $5000 Dollars/5000 Hollas, but he wants to keep his alliance safe. We flash back to the moments before eviction, when Frankie tried making the case that Nicole might work with Christine and that she should be taken out before Donny. Frankie whines that this slip-and-slide competition was made for Nicole. And not for the occasional Broadway dancer? Whatever, Frankie. Not surprisingly, Nicole wants Frankie out. Depeche Mode Cowboy is going slow and steady. Derrick fall down! Victoria fall down! “I seen a new-born horse with more coordination than Victoria,” Caleb critiques. Caleb fall down! Derrick fall down! Cody stands on the sidelines and laughs. Derrick fall down. At a certain point, way down in the HoH race, Derrick just gives up and goes after the money. “He's going to need all of that money to buy himself a new hip,” Frankie offers.
8:10 p.m. We're roughly 90 minutes in and this challenge looks utterly miserable. Nicole fall down. Caleb is talking to himself like a mad-man. He's not quite speaking in tongues yet, but it's close.
8:15 p.m. Sooooo. We're 15 minutes into this episode and people are still slipping and sliding and nobody's especially close to filling their snowman. “Combat training didn't stop me. War didn't stop me,” says Caleb, who's cramping up. There's a cricket in Nicole's lane. She doesn't want to kill it. She doesn't want to move it. She just wants to complain about it. “When I race against myself, what do you know? I come out on top!” says $5000 winner Derrick. At the back of the fluid, there's chunkier nastier stuff that doesn't slosh around. I really don't want to know what they're dealing with here, but Nicole tells Christine the secret of the ooze, so to speak. It's tight between Caleb and Christine. Caleb fall down! Complaining to the camera, but talking a good game to himself, Caleb is victorious. He's a broken man and then Frankie and Nicole collapse onto him.
8:23 p.m. The hamsters return inside and they're all limping and moaning and groaning. People are stumbling and passing out on the floor in the living room. Derrick is calling himself a “crumb” and lamenting missing quality time with his daughter. The only happy people are Frankie and Cody. [Did Cody drop something from the freezer down his pants?] Derrick makes up some fantasy that Christine and Nicole are talking in the shower, but they're not. When did Frankie become such a tool? He's astoundingly and obnoxiously cocky. He's still smarting from America's rejection of his play last week and he's glad Donny is gone. “I cannot be toting around someone's dead weight,” Franky whines and starts telling America that Donny wasn't pulling his weight.
8:30 p.m. Caleb is wearing the whole freezer festooned to his aching limbs. Nicole has her microphone off and Frankie is being an ass about that as well, telling Christine to stop giving her special treatment. Frankie is being smug and dismissive about everything. This is particularly bad for Cody because two people in his alliance are “batting heads.”
8:32 p.m. Who wants to see Caleb's HoH room? Meh! A lot of time has passed, because Caleb is mostly ambulatory. He has pictures of his family and all manner of military gewgaws. Each of the trinkets has a story and the hamsters hang on Caleb's every word. “I honestly have a lot more respect for Caleb after seeing his room,” Christine says.
8:35 p.m. Victoria thinks Christine is fake and she can no longer stand it. In particular, Victoria's unable to handle how many things Christine finds funny. “I will drop a Cheerio on the floor and she'll star cracking up,” Victoria says. Nicole knows that she doesn't have an alliance with anybody and she offers her loyalty to Caleb, telling him she could be as loyal to him as she was to Hayden. It's unclear if she's propositioning him or not. But Nicole helped Christine in the competition, so Caleb isn't interested in what she's offering, even when she tries talking to him country folk to country folk.
8:42 p.m. It's early, but Derrick is still amused by his “Hollas” punishment. What I don't get is that everybody has to hear it as well and they're not getting any money. Does he have to reply each time? Or is he just playing along? “Yeah, it's gonna be a long couple weeks,” Derrick finally admits. It doesn't appear that he needs to reply. In any case, this is annoying to me as well and I'm most certainly not getting paid.
8:44 p.m. The Have-Nots menu is Snot Roasts and Mushrooms. It's meat products, mushrooms and garlics. Derrick volunteers, but nobody else steps up, including Frankie who has only been a Have-Not once. Caleb sticks Nicole with another week of being a Have-Not and she goes into the backyard to cry. “I'm so sick of being picked on,” she moans. Derrick reassures her that she can win the Veto still. “America's gonna think I'm a huge baby,” Nicole blubbers. It sounds like Nicole is guaranteed a place on the Block, but Caleb isn't sure on the other slot, leaning toward Christine. Cody, however, isn't feeling warmth toward Frankie.
8:54 p.m. Nomination time! Nicole know's she'll be there, but vows to fight. Christine expects it to be Nicole and Victoria. Cody hopes Frankie will be there. Caleb says he's doing what's best for him. And what's best for Caleb is… HOLLA. Seriously, this is obnoxious to people who aren't being paid. Caleb's nominations and Nicole and Christine. Yawn. Caleb says Nicole's time is up. Nicole is determined to win the Veto. Christine knows she's not the target. Derrick isn't so sure about that.
So that was an episode devoted to a challenge that ended on Thursday night, to making several hamsters look annoying and to two nominations that were close to no-brainers. Yawn…
Yawn?