Whole Foods Now Employs A ‘Produce Butcher’ In Case That’s Something You Need

Remember last year when Whole Foods sold customers asparagus water and peeled oranges and everyone had a minor heart attack? Well, they’re at it again! Instead of cutting prices or training their employees to be a little bit less invasive when you’re trying to decide if potato salad from the bar is really worth $35, the brand has hired a produce butcher.

What’s a produce butcher? Easy! It’s a Whole Foods employee whose job it is to take the vegetables you’ve chosen and cut them up for you in any way you could imagine. You want your cucumbers julienned? They’ll do it. Want some cabbage shredded? Got a need for jicama cubes? They’ll do that, too. And it’ll all happen as you watch and question your life choices.

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According to Fortune, the service is currently only available in New York City, where the chain’s newest location, at Bryant Park, is providing customers everything they never knew they wanted (Or at least didn’t think they’d pay someone for) including Detroit-style pizza (square), and artisanal toast.

How much will getting your veggies chopped set you back? Convenience does come at a price. Bulk items, for instance, will be charged at one dollar per pound. If you want individual vegetables sliced and diced, you’re going to have to pay a buck per each piece of produce. That means that getting a bunch of cucumbers sliced could actually cost more than the cucumbers themselves. And you’ll have less time to eat them, as cut vegetables go bad quicker. Still, if you’re one of those people who can’t use a mandoline without cutting yourself and then sending pictures to of the huge mess you’ve made of your hand to your friends and loved ones, perhaps it’s something you should consider.*

*You don’t need this service, friend! I have to provide a fair and balanced viewpoint here, but please don’t lend any credence to Whole Foods’ latest stunt. You can buy cut and packaged vegetables in any other major grocery store in America! And you’ll still have enough left over for scratchers!