The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: AFC 5th Seed — Indianapolis Colts

12.30.08 9 years ago 45 Comments

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

Looks as through Lil’ Ronnie is all growed up. Not having ever been to Naptown and never having a reason to go, I can’t begin to speculate on what it is that makes it a hotbed for horrible amateur white boy rap. I’ll go ahead and guess the general despair. So, let’s review the latest hotness:

  • “Indy Colts, built like a fart. Ignore us now and we’re going to shart.” So when the Colts lose in January, we can say they shart the bed? I’m on board for that.
  • Is he running around in OR scrubs?
  • Rapping about the Colts in front of Mayflower Trucks? I hate me some Baltimore, but that’s some mega-douchey shit.
  • Based on what I know about people from Indiana, I don’t think the jorts are ironic. Though he could stand to put on another buck or two.
  • “Aaron Bailey, ’95 – What I’m talking about!” Uh, you mean the guy who dropped the Hail Mary that would have sent Indy to the Super Bowl? Personally, I’d like to hear his thoughts on the Colts being 0-5 vs. the Steelers in the playoffs.
  • Okay. I made it about a minute and a half through that lyrically lyrical shart and, frankly, I feel like I deserve a medal for it. Let me wrap it up be saying Colts fans are cordially invited to shut the fuck up about Peyton being MVP. “Oh, he performed pretty well at times after holding off on getting surgeries he should have had earlier in the off-season!” Die. I know you love the guy, because you didn’t follow the team until he showed up, but, seriously, no one but you and elite fliers like Peter King buy it.

    Speaking of Pey-Pey, expect yet another chastising of the O-line should Indy fall to San Diego Saturday night. Peyton long ago joined the Favraro Club of getting a free pass from the media to act as much a sniveling dicksmack as he likes and never get called out on it (fitting as he and Favre will each retire with one ring). Could you imagine what the reaction would be if, say, McNabb did that? He’d be reamed by every sportswriter in America.

    Hopefully the Colts can make a swift exit as usual from the postseason (2006 was, as Emmitt Smiff would call, an “amorition“) Tony Dungy can retire to write pamphlets for PFOX and MarHar can go gun-running with Plaxico.

    You would think the football public would immediate gravitate to liking the Pats’ biggest rival but we can’t. Because you’re just that fucking annoying. Luckily you got rid of a home field that was actually difficult to play in, not that you have any home games this postseason.

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