Nick Cannon Has The World’s ‘Most Valuable Balls’ After Insuring Them For $10 Million

Nick Cannon’s penchant for proliferation is a popular butt of a great many jokes, but it looks like the former standup comic is turning his ultra-productive private parts into a joke of his own. According to TMZ, the father of 12 recently took out a $10 million insurance policy on his testes.

In a statement accompanying the announcement, Cannon said, “Haters say it’s time for me to stop having kids and put this super sperm to rest, but I’m doubling down on these valuable balls and my future kids.” The stunt appears to be a marketing ploy for an organic soap company called Dr. Squatch, which sponsored the insurance policy. In the promo part of his statement, Cannon joked, “Shoutout to Dr. Squatch for giving my balls the credit they deserve and hooking me up with the protection I need to keep this family tree rolling.”

Here’s the commercial, in which Cannon receives an award for “Most Valuable Balls”:

The jokes about Nick Cannon’s ever-growing collection of kids began in 2021, when he still had just seven of them, after Kevin Hart took out a bunch of billboards in Atlanta, LA, and New York giving out Nick’s phone number to call for “fatherhood advice.” The next year, Hart sent Cannon a vending machine full of condoms — which he apparently never used, because he had another three on the way by the end of that 2022.

His 11th child was born, fittingly enough, on November 11, 2022, while number 12 arrived in December, the 12th month. Cannon has since been asked about or remarked on his “super sperm” a number of times since then, even creating a fake game show to find the mother of lucky #13 (with Kevin Hart in tow, no less). Even Nick’s brother has joked around about having to Google his kids’ names (as the child of a parent with nine brothers and sisters, this disappoints me).

Cannon seems to be taking all the attention — and the ludicrous number of jokes at his expense — in stride, and as long he’s taking care of all those kids and not hurting anybody, it all seems in good fun. But still, he may want to consider Andy Cohen’s vasectomy suggestion — if only to keep the value on that insurance policy as high as it is.