Toilet Training Not Prerequisite for a Criminal Career

Senior Contributor
08.10.10 4 Comments

We in America pride ourselves on our maturity, unless we happen to be drunk or involved in a traffic dispute. Then we tend to revert to five year olds quickly and stay there, as two incidents in Pennsylvania and North Dakota have proven.
First we have Jessica Hollis of Connellsville, PA. Jessica and another woman somehow got involved in a traffic dispute, although reports are hazy as to what, precisely, happened. They were both stuck leaving the Fayette County Fair, so we’re forced to assume they were both desperate to leave the reek of flop sweat and fried dough far, far behind them. Although this might require moving out of the region affectionately known as “Pennsyltucky” entirely, but we’re not here to make fun of that particular life choice.
No, instead, we’re here to make fun of Hollis, who apparently was so frustrated she took a dirty diaper and smeared it all over her opponent’s windshield. Hollis, of course, was arrested and charged with harassment, which must be the single most inapt charge that has ever been filed in the history of Pennsylvania, unless T.O. was convicted of being humble or something. Unsurprisingly, Hollis has disconnected her phone number, presumably realizing that most people want to have a good laugh at the diaper lady, which she is forever crowned.
She’s still, however, better off than Dennis Fike, a 66-year-old resident of Fargo, N.D. The police came to visit Dennis thanks to an exceptionally loud party at his home, and the confrontation didn’t go well as Fike quickly wound up handcuffed. His drunken requests to go to the bathroom were ignored, so he did what any man past retirement age would do: take a dump on his own rug and try to kick it at police officers.
Unfortunately for Fike, police tend to frown on crap being thrown at them, and he received a year in jail. Apparently it’s against the law to “contact” police with bodily fluids. We just want to know what method of communication they use in Fargo that involves bodily fluids in the first place.

[news-links]

  • Diaper lady performs a smear job (SF Gate)
  • Dennis Fike should have worn his s**tkickers (News Observer)

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[news-morenews]

  • Far be it from us not to mention any incident of public nudity. Unfortunately, this isn’t an attractive woman, but at least the man in question was smart enough to claim his streaking was a “spiritual experience” (Associated Press)
  • We leave it to you to decide what’s stranger: that the World Sauna Championships exist, or that they’ve managed to kill a man. (New York Daily News)

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[news-stats]

  • The toilet makes up more than a quarter of your water consumption. Save the earth, cross your legs (Toilet ABCs)
  • Every flush uses five to seven gallons (EarthEasy)

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