Always Be Covering: No Apocalypse Edition

12.21.12 5 years ago 30 Comments


Last week: 3-2
Overall: 46-42-2

New York Jets -2 vs. San Diego Chargers

Norval knows he’s heading back towards a coordinator role after the season, and the Jets will certainly be in the market for a new coordinator. While Norv said he’d want to be in a position to win alongside coaches he’d work with, he may have to settle for the Jets. Who else would have him?

Washington Redskins -6.5 at Philadelphia Eagles

Oh man, we’re going to be so insufferable when we go to the playoffs. Get ready for some serious RGIII backlash.

Miami Dolphins -4.5 vs. Buffalo Bills

It’s been at least six weeks since I noticed something that the Dolphins did. I mean, not even a highlight. They may as well be playing college football for as much as I care. And yet, they could still finish .500 and make the playoffs with some help. The AFC is terrible.

Dallas Cowboys -1 vs. New Orleans Saints

The Cowboys get another week of hope before losing to the Redskins in Week 17 and missing out on the playoffs. After Jason Garrett gets fired he will travel to England to pick up where Lord Michael Pratt left off. Hmmm…yes.

Indianapolis Colts -7 at Kansas City Chiefs

The interview is a huge part of any head coaching search, and a great handshake really sets the tone for the interview. That’s just one reason why this dog will be Kansas City’s new coach.

Seattle Seahawks +1 vs. San Francisco 49ers

Seattle is on fire, and they still haven’t dropped a home game this year. That’s because they’re led by a short humble quarterback instead of a tall glory boy with all of his tattoos and fancy humpin’ turtle.

Your weekly dose of Top Chef coverage is after the jump.

If only you could make money wagering on the order of elimination on a pre-taped cooking competition. First Eliza, then Danyele. Surely whoever I rank last is doomed to pack their knives five nights later.

They chefs seemed so relieved when they were told that they’d be allowed to cook whatever they wanted for the quickfire. Then Padma dropped the SPONSOR BOMB. Everything ingredient in the kitchen was wrapped in Reynolds Wrap®, and everything a chef unwrapped had to go into their dish. Oh, and they had to cook their dishes in the Reynolds Wrap® Meanwhile, Padma challenged herself to say the words “Reynolds Wrap®” 10 times before the commercial break (she won!).

Reynolds Wrap®!

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Top Chef Top Ten

10. Josie (Last week:9)– Oh, Josie, you are the worst. She made some crappy spring/summer (June?) rolls weighed down with aioli, which everyone knows is an October condiment. She wouldn’t shut up while serving her food, leading Gail to openly wonder if she was high. That would explain last week’s short rib/pork belly mashup.

9. Micah (9)- This week we learned that he and his wife chose cheffy names for their daughters. Cinnamon and Cayenne were deemed too stripperish so he went with Saffron. Remember, belly dancers are not strippers.

8. Lizzie (8)– Lizzie is super confident because she’s cooked for Desmond Tutu twice. For those who don’t know, Tutu is essentially South Africa’s answer to Ruth Reichl. She took down Josie in their head-to-head battle by making a raspberry dish that wasn’t oozing with mayonnaise.

7. Bart (7)- His blackberry soup was great. Unfortunately he put salmon in it for some reason. You know, everyone thought Stefan was this evil villain, he’s seemed pretty chill this season. Is it possible that he’s playing up the nice guy act while dosing everyone with cannabutter? Maybe.

6. Josh (5)– Some goat cheese and blueberry bullshit. I don’t know. He was cooking against Danyele, so it’s not like he was going to lose.

5. Brooke (4)- My future wife made fancy s’mores, and everyone loved them.

4. Sheldon (3)- Sheldon acquitted himself well once again. #TeamZissou

3. Kristen (6)– Upside: She won both challenges. Downside: Stefan has definitely been inside her.

2. John (1)– He loses the top spot after vomiting in a cup and calling it white gazpacho with chorizo. One critic calls it “cheeseburger soup,” which prompted Josie to lick the pot clean.

But the soup wasn’t nearly as bad as all of his other crap. He trashed Stefan for using saku block (frozen) tuna for his crudo (most sushi in this country comes from frozen fish) before changing his mind and ripping him for his use of unsustainable fish. What is sustainable is the constant stream of bullshit John is able to produce. Kudos.

1. Stefan (2)– Stefan has totally redeemed himself by fighting with the insufferable Josie and inviting John to blow him. He and Kristen now have my blessing to smash parts as they see fit.

Stay tuned next week to see Josie attempt to out Stefan before being sent home. Cooking!

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