Playmakers 2: Schiano Laces ‘Em Up

10.16.13 4 years ago 21 Comments


Hey folks I put myself in a Coach Leech mancave to recover from sitting through 6000 words of Peter King narrating the pitch and consistency of his farts while watching the Pats win a October football game,, but Im back in the second installment of a three act season of “Playmakers, Part To.” Catch up on episode one before reading are you might get lost, no offence.

Our episode begins the next day at the teams training facility (Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty changed there name to the Whiteskins because he can take a joke about himself and isnt PC Police). The Whiteskins cut out the lights in the building overnite including the workout room, so Tebows doing some preacher curls and upright row’s wearing a miner’s hat with the light on in the complete darkness in the weightroom (ITS EARLY). 

CUT TO: PFT Commenter Gray and Michelle Beadle step out of one of those kind of creepy little doors that goes under the stares in the Whiteskins office building. Michelle Beadle is adjusting her skirt, PFT Commenter Gray is still pulling his ants up on his really nice suit because hes powerful. Its like a 4 foot tall door. 

PFT Commenter Gray: Im glad you signed that document saying you want me to bang you all the time,, its pretty cool and legal how I can force you to want me to have sex with you as long as I call my boner a “contract extension”

Michelle Beadle: You know I do “Big” Guy. (Its her nickname for him) Going from my old boyfriend Pete Prisco to you I can tell you size DOES matter. (its unclear what she means because PFT Commenter Gray is a reall jacked-out swole guy, but maybe she means something else to)

PFT Commenter Gray: Anyways back to business Ive got a scoop I want you to check out. The whole Jay Cutler poisoning might not be what it seems. I want you to look into it, and then let me know what you find out.

5 minutes later Michelle comes back from her investigation, (shes tenacious)

PFT Commenter Gray: So whatd you find out babe I mean Michelle?

Michelle Beadle: Jay Cutler was a robot the wholetime folks. Everyone use to buy his story that he was diabetic but it was actualy just sugar getting into his gas tank.

PFT Commenter Gray: I knew it! Your so tenacious.

Michelle Beadle: Anyways I’ll work on a story for next week but now we have to go to see Coach Schiano strap it up and lead his Pittsburg Whiteskins into battle verse the Pittsburg Steelers.

CUT TO Mike Tomlin pulling out of his house in a Chrysler 300 big rims, liscence plate reads “jazzcat” he pulls into a parking lot gets out changes cars in to a NOTHER Chrysler 300 and drives to Heinz field.  There are like NO terrible towels anymore they all got traded to Cincinatti to clean up after James Harrisons massages. Pittsburgs a Whiteskins town now. Theyve got Duck Commanders everywhere in the stands the whole stadium sounds like “whack whack whack whack” almost the like the sounds Vick makes whenever you hand him a playbook.  

The first half has gone terribly however. Schianos Pittsburg Whiteskins are losing to the Pittsburgh Steelers 100-0 at halftime. Schianos doing a great job of absolutely killing the clock out there and the Redskins are owning time of possession do to Schiano grinding it out on 2.8 yard FB dives just about every time. The Steelers cant stop it but everytime the Skins get down inside the red zone, Vick starts playing scratch-offs or whatever instead of blocking and the drive stalls. (Schiano doesnt have a kicker because they lack accountability.) Coach starts in on one of his pantented halftime speeches.

Coach Schiano: Come on you sonsa bitches! You guys are playing like a bunch of Pansys. Mike Vick, I cant tell if thats a herpes or a staph but you better quit your boo-hooing out there. Aldon, I dont know whats in your water bottle but Im confused why you have to chomp in to a lime wedge right after every time you take a swig.

CUT TO Up in the Owners Suite, Rooney has invited Uncle Si to watch the game with him up there.

Mr. Rooney: Well well well Mr. Si, it looks like my Steelers are really giving it to you out there. And Id be remissed if I didn’t mention how my African-American head Coach certainly has a leg up on your traditional head coach. You’ll get there some day, Mr. Si once you learn to embrace the fact that trying REALLY hard to not be racist is actually the most racist thing there is. My Black friend even appointed me US Ambassador to Ireland. Hummmm, yes.

Uncle Si: Well I dont know much about that but I reckon a man has to earn what he works for like we use to. Schiano beat Lousiville that one time and everything,, so hes earned all these opporunities. It can be hard to get ahead in this country nowdays as a White Male trust me I know.

Its great and all that former Emporer Obama made you ambassador, but President Ditka made me ambassador to Real America where we know the value of a honest days work even if we have to make other folks do the work for us for free. Thats why Schiano doesnt even get paid, he just loves the work. Hes my slave (Schianos White so this exchange doesnt seem racist, in fact the studio audience claps it up and Si and Rooney have to wait for like 2 minutes for the applause to die down, this makes Rooney a little bit anoyed.) 

Yessir Mr. Rooney, I’m a duck man through and through and your just a big turkey. (Audience: ooooOOOOOOOOHHHH) After we’re done licking your boys out there we lead the division and play the Patriots in the annual “Patriot Games” bowl we host every year on Tom Clancys birthday. You just wait and see.

Right on queue, Schiano leads his men out of the tunnel, they changed at halftime into new jerseys that are made to look like old Indian buckskinned vests with there opponents teeth on it and stuff, honoring the tradtions of the old Indian. They kick off to the Steelers and the Steelers look like they’re just content to run out the clock since they lead by so much.

Mike Tomlin: (Yelling at Schiano) Coach games over, we’re just going to take a knee on all y’all. Dont want nobody to get hurt as we finna get ready for a nother playoff run.

Schiano: Like hell you will… (Coach Schiano turns to his team in the huddle, hes playing Defensive Tackle now too) Alright boys, new gameplan…

The Camera zooms out and we see Coach Schiano just drawing something up in the dirt out there but we dont know what it is til after commercial break we come back and the Steelers are running a play. Pounceys the Steelers center and hes got Free Hernandez written all over his shoes and face with like a marker- just asking for a uniform fine. Pouncy cripwalks up to the ball to get ready to start it and we see Schiano grit his teeth…



Pouncey: Hike!

As Big Ben and the Steelers have planned they take a knee but they never accounted on Coach Schiano diving right through Pounceys knees and into the ball… IT WORKS, ITS A FUMBLE AND JJ Watt palms it a returns in for a TD and hands the ball to the ref (Hes been there before.)

Tomlin chews out Big Ben and sends his boys back out there. BOOM! THe Whiteskins crash the knee AGAIN! 6 points to the house big time. Priscos on the sidelines with a obvsious erection even though hes wearing some pretty heavy duty shorts.

This happens 12 more times and Tomlin is absolutley LIVID on the sidelines theres only 1 minute left in the game and hes talking to Mike Carey in a language no one can possiby understand. The NFL Films guys are listening to the audio and there not sure what needs to be bleeped out as curse words. It sounds like a skit from a Chingy album or something. Mike Carey struts back onto the field.

Mike Carey: We have a flag on number 54 and Coach of the Whiteskins, Greg Schiano. You’re only allowed to play through the “E” in “Whistle.”  Number 54 is ejected from the game for playing through the period in “Whistle.”

This is devestating, the team doesnt have any more replacements who can match Schianos work rate or motor ou

t there. The Steelers have the ball up 100-98 with 1 minute left and the Whiteskins dont have any timeouts. This looks like curtains folks…

CUT TO: Whiteskins weight room, Tebows doing incline sits up, calf raises, weighted dips, not taking waterbreaks, just swigging and spitting. 

Tebow stops in the middle of a clean rep, a legit rep, because his yellow lab “Scout” (who just kind of chills and has a hang in the weightroom while Tebow works out) starts barking

Tim Tebow: Whats the matter Scout. My teammates are in trouble?

Scout: Bark.

Tebow looks around the weightroom and checks all the nook& crannies to make sure hes the last one in there. Hes not going to let anyeone outwork him- Tebow verifies, hes last one out so he can leave.

Tim Tebow: Come on Scout you son of a bitch. (Get it?) My team needs me.


Around The Web