The draft is here! Are you ready for some buzzwords, jargon, and very little actual analysis? Here’s a handy playcard to keep track, try to see it if you can last 2 minutes without a bingo!
In case you can’t watch the draft, here is a point by point recap so you don’t have to!
[Roger Goodell stands at podium, gets booed]
ROGER GOODELL: “With the ______ Pick in the 2013 NFL draft, the _____ select ______.
Boomer: Well that’s an intriguing pick! Tell us your thoughts, Mel?
Kiper: I think this guy is a stud. He has a very high ceiling and some serious explosiveness, Boomer. He’s so quick off the ball and has elite footwork. He is a touch raw and undersized, and there have been some character issues that have come up in his past year. Overall though, he’s got a really high motor and sound fundamentals. If he can do something about his intangibles he could be the missing piece of the puzzle.
Boomer: I agree. Jon, what do you think?
Gruden: I like him!
Boomer: Is that all?
Gruden: Where am I?
Boomer: Moving on! The next player hasn’t been officially selected, but here we go live on camera to his house where he is sitting on the phone talking with a smile on his face! Wait, I thought we weren’t spoiling the picks this year…
Kiper: Schefter already posted the next 5 picks on twitter. I did not expect Nassib to go that high. Oh Jets.
Gruden: I like Nassib! He’s a great kid. Reminds me of someone I had in training camp once
Kiper: Please Jon, no. Please. Please don’t not another one of these
Gruden: We had this kid back in training camp with the Raiders, we called him bananas. I forgot his real name, but we called him Bananas because he’d drive you bananas. Never threw the ball the same way, all over the place. I loved him. I was going to make him the starter but Al Davis told me I was a bonehead so I cut him and got lunch. You ever eat those 5 dollar footlongs at Subway? I think that the turkey melt..
Boomer: HATE TO CUT YOU OFF but the next pick is in!
[Roger Goodell comes back on stage, gets booed. Repeat scene 32 more times]