Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: Greater Northeast Region Greatriots, AFC 1st Seed

01.13.11 7 years ago 272 Comments

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

For the majority of the season, the mantra among NFL pundits was that this was the year of parity and that there was no true favorite. But then the Patriots followed up an ass-kicking at the hands of the Cleveland Browns by cutting a swath of destruction through the rest of the favorites in the NFL, with the exception of the Packers, who the Pats would have lost to if Aaron Rodgers had started.

In some ways, the Patriots, as a team, were a touch more difficult to hate this season (by Patriots hating standards, at least). Most of their roster is compromised of players who haven’t been in the league long enough to build the dirty, cheating reputations they will undoubtedly have by the time their Patriots’ career is over. Sure, Brandon Spikes got suspended for violating the league’s substance-abuse policy. But that was reportedly for ADHD medication, which is fucking lame. Also, he sucks, so it’s not really that fun, anyway.

Lucky for us there’s still gloating dipshit neatly coiffed vagina troll asshole Tom Brady (Cromartie sucks, but he’s right on that score), the small army of white skill players that will each one day receive a biopic co-directed by Ben Affleck and Mark Wahlberg, not to mention dirty dickface Vince Wilfork.

Oh, and there’s still cheating mumblefuck Bill Belichick on the sidelines. That one of his disciples, Josh McSuperAIDS, was caught cheating this year only further beats back the obnoxious claim by Patriots fans they were unfairly picked on for something everybody does.


And, really, the Patriots could have the most likable roster in the history of the league and we’d all still loathe them because of the bandwagon dunkincunt racist distracted baseball fans. I spent Christmas in Boston and heard more white people use the N-word in three days than I have in the last three years combined. And they’re proud of it. They really are. The Massholes who show up on KSK bristle and do their best to counter the established stereotypes about the depiction of their hometown. But get up there and the locals wear it like a badge of honor. “WE AHHHH HONEST ABOUT HOW WE FEEL ABOUT THE DAHHHKIES. WE’UH NAWT AFRAID OF SAYING WHAT WE MEAN! WE’RE JUST TOO REAL! YOU-AHHH JUST SCARE-UD OF SHOWING YO-AH TRUE COLAHS! YO AHHH NO DIFFERENT THAN US!”

/Tawmmy masturbates to Dan Connolly return set to Seether’s “Broken”

As I’ve mentioned before, my girlfriend is from Bahhhstan. She’s – SURPRISE! – a Red Sox fan who can’t be bothered with football. When defending the recent surge in interest among her fellow Masswipes, she says, “well, football is new to us.” THE TEAM’S 50 FUCKING YEARS OLD! WHY MASOCHISM, WHYYYYYYY? GGGGGAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

/Only nice thing she had to say about The Fighter was the accuracy of the accent

I know, I know. We’re all just jealous that the Patriots are going to win their first title unmarred by cheating (until said cheating surfaces years later) unless of course New England plays the Packers again, in which case they will lose another Super Bowl and a great rejoicing will be had. Nevertheless, shitty publications in Massholia are already proclaiming the season a done deal. I don’t read Simmons, but I’m sure he has a dozen separate reverse jinxes in place, each douchier than the last. Never mind that since Brady won his third title in ’04 and started his career 9-0 in the postseason, he’s been – to paraphrase PK – a quasi-Manningesque 5-4.

’05 – Lost to Jake Plummer and the Broncos (cue Pats fans whining for 30 minutes about Champ Bailey’s fumble going through the end zone).

’06 – Lost to the Colts, who could supposedly never beat them, after overseeing the largest blown lead in conference championship history.

’07 – Depending on your view, either committed one of the biggest chokes in Super Bowl history or just got plain dominated by the Giants’ front four (cue Patriots fans ongoing whining about uncalled holding penalties on The Giant Snatch, the ball hitting the ground and issues with the game clock. Also blaming it all on Randy Moss.)

’08 – Bernard Pollard secures himself a place in Canton. 11-5 Pats miss playoffs in favor of 8-8 Chargers. Why would you ever want to change the playoff format after that?

’09 – Patriots get absolutely destroyed by the Ravens in Foxborough (Foxboro? Fox burrow?). At one point, Tom Brady has the chance to easily run in a four-yard touchdown, but opts to throw the ball away instead. Dreamboat downgraded from pussy to stoma fuckhole. Despite the home playoff loss, the team has the gall to celebrate its record regular-season home winning streak record the following year. Didn’t you assholes mock Fat Humps for doing the same shit when the Colts establishing the longest regular season winning streak in NFL history in ’09 after losing in the playoffs the season before? Yeah, you did.

In his first playoff game each year during that span, Brady has a combined 10 TDs and 3 INTs. The rest of the games? 7 TDs and 9 INTs. Probably means bad things for the Jets, but fans of late-round choking by New England could be in for another treat. Brady had quite the streak of games without interceptions this season, but he’s also been lucky as shit. I think the Bears alone dropped three Brady picks. And should New England win it all, well, they were the favorites anyway and it’ll only be the first of theirs that hasn’t been completely discredited. Pressure’s all on them.

Finally, may Woodhead commit the fumble that causes the Pats to lose. May Brady go bald from the stress and anguish of defeat. May Bob Kraft hug a roadside bomb when he visits his Israeli football league. May Welker get reverse vitiligo. May Charles Pierce kick the shit out of Bill Simmons the next time the Sports Guy actually returns to Boston. May FreeDarko get to write Simmons’ obituary. May someone finally make Maria Menounos shut the fuck up. May Belichick get foot fucked by Rex Ryan. May all the sisters and daughters of Pats fans sire black children who grow up to play and win championships for the Yankees and Lakers. May Fenway Park – THE CATHEDRAL OF BAHHSTAN – crumble to dust and you all choke on it. Gillette Stadium can stay, because you don’t give a fuck about it anyway.




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