Mount Flushmore – NFC West

06.19.13 4 years ago 62 Comments


Welcome to the NFC West where the Seahawks were moved to because they couldnt compete verse the winning ways of the Chiefs, Chargers, Broncos, and Raiders. Lets climb to the top together!

St. Louis Rams:

Jeff Fisher- Jeffs a average head coach who lasted for the better part of a decade trusting offenses to guys like Warren Moon Steve Mcnair and Vince Young which tells me if Im Sam Bradford I need to be looking over my shoulder not dislocating it. Really Fish is on here because of his activist competition comittee work where he is turning the NFL into powderpuff. What Fisher just cant get through his thick mustache is that if you encourage headshots youll get more injurys which will actually serve to make players want to hit each other in the head less– its natural learning and its more affective than forcing rules. Youll have to forgive me for not trusting a guy who outlaws kickoffs because too many guys are out there getting there brains nicked, and meanwhile tries to hire Gregg Williams to coach his Defense.

Tavon Austin- This isnt the greatest show on turf anymore probly because Tavons cousins smoked it all up folks. Sorry to all you WVU apologists who are having this read to you by your cousin whose in a Ohio jail but the only 3 letters you smoke on Sundays in St Louis are B-B-Q not T-H-C. It might be premature to put Austin on here considering he hasnt cost the gRams a game by shanking a official or letting his pitbull pop every gameball yet but sometimes you dont have to wait for the boxscore in the Post-Dispatch to know a guys bad news.

Tony Softli- Tony was the Rams VP of player personell for the Rams for 4 years+ I swear to God this is his own bio, these words are him bragging by listing the best players he stockpiled from 2006-2010: “Adam Carriker, Chris Long, Cliff Ryan, Donnie Avery, Keenan Burton, Chris Chamberlain and David Vobora.” Hey PFTCommenter? Yes. How many of those gems are on the Rams now? I dont know because I dont waste my time learning facts about Tony Softli. Oh well I know the answer. Well how many is it? The answer= 1. Whats amazing is that Softli Cerrato and Millen were all personell execs at the same time and you know Tampa hotels were a mess during winter meetings with these three stooges staying on the same floor using there own undershirts to wipe there butts and stuff.

Lawrence Philips- The guys currently serving a million years for driving a truck into a group of teenagers after a flag football game which is what Alec Ogletrees NFL career looks like in 10 years if De Smith has his way with the game. The Rams got rid of Jerome Bettis to make room for Phillips which virtually decimated the greater St. Louis Plumbing industry and also marked the 1st time anyones career has ever improved after moving to Pittsburgh.


Seattle Pharmaseahawks:

Jerramy Stevens- His rap sheet reads like a slightly shorter version of his future sons. Stevens was first arested for rape then for a hit and run where he drove his truck into a retirement home in the first of 3 DUIs. He averaged 3.37 YAC and .019 BAC over the 8 years he played but he will be most remembered for his 2 Superbowl drops verse the Steelers. Kommenter Dylan says: “Stone hands were very useful however, for hitting women.” He also married goalkeeper/pornstar name-haver Hope Solo and there kid will get kicked out of FSU in 2031 for going on a bender and sexualy assaulting the entire Seminoles volleyball team while wearing eyeblack at night for some reason. Jerra-Me will probably tell you hes a victim of race profiling but Im not racist just because Im going to pull over the only black guy on campus at UW to see just what hes up to out here.

Shaun Alexander- Shauns the opposite of a factorback,, hed sooner run for the sidelines instead of maintaining northsouth discipline and engaging at the point of attack. Since he had Road-Grader Steve Hutchison clearing the way for him he got touched less during his time in Seattle than his wife. Shaun was the type guy who made his way toward a endzone like Billy from Famly Circus trying to get home from school. Not to be sexist but Shauns MVP must of stood for Most Vagina Player because i could of led the league in rushing and TDs with Mack Strong, Hutchison and Walter Jones clearing the way for me. Shaun never won anything meaningful even though he played in the worst division in the history of organized sport’s so its no suprise he’s here considering his career could easily be defined as King of Turd Mountain.

Brian Bosworth- White men are still struggling to overcome the hole Boz dug for us. The guy set our cause back 20 years through all his hotdogging and me-first showmenship. This guy had so many stupid redflags as a college player Lovie Smith tried to hire him as a replay consultant. The Boz got kicked out of school by Barry Switzer which should take him off any sane GMs big board BTW, then he co-authored a book with Rick Reilly which for all you fans of reading things is a absolute classic of a novel the only difficult part was telling when it was Brian talking and when it was Rick. FYI Here’s how Boz entered the NFL: Before the supplemental draft he wrote letters to teams he didnt want to play for telling them not to draft him, then he sued the league after he got picked by the Seahawks demanding he be allowed 2 wear number 44 as a linebacker all before he got a single gamespeed rep in, basically he was a Lance Briggs you could take home to mom and dad. Whether it was telling the league where to stick it, or his “trainer” where to stick a needle, the Boz was already calling the shots.

Dan McGwire- The Seahawks drafted McGwire because he was Mark McGwires little brother. They actually took him over Farve and probly did Brett a favor so he didnt have to walk through that lockeroom after playing in all that cold rain all the time. At 6’8 Dans the tallest QB to ever “play” in the NFL even though he only started 3 games and probably made him wish the Hawks had taken Ozzie Canseco instead. Dan now currently owns a Vitamin beverage company in Reno which you have to imagine is about as lucrative as owning a Lombardi trophy store in Seattle.



Terrell Owens- I knew the second TO pulled that sharpie exactly what he was going to do. Hes certaintly not going to write the great american novel out there, hes going to write the only words he knows how to spell. The act itself was pretty bad but the thing is it ushered in a new wave of Diva Receivas that would last until Chad Johnson was cut on national television. All of a sudden youve got your teenage Titus Youngs, DeSean Jacksons, Santonio Homeses and a Dez Bryant carrying sharpies in there sock on the streets even though a teacher couldnt get them to pick up a number 2 pencil.

Kwame Harris- I mean come on

Mike Singleterry- Mike was a wild animal linebacker for the old Ditka Bears but the only stinkeye he brought to the 9ers was in the lockeroom at halftime folks. I dont mind a coach pulling down trousers to motivate his team but if your going to do that you have to go full Majerus and leave a little suprise for the refs next time you throw the challenge flag. Mike wanted winners but drafting guys like Mike Crabtree and Taylor Mays Im not sure if he was drafting based on best player available or who had higher Wild ‘n Out high score.

Michael Crabtree- Here are some jokes I wrote about being a Diva Receiva ( its to funny if you read them in your Foxworthy voice):

1. If you like your women in the same age range that you like your jersey numbers,,, you might be a diva receiva

2. If your agents top selling rap album debuted higher then your draft position,,, you might be a diva receiva

3. If it takes you less time to run the 40 then it did to look a GM in the eye when they ask you if your moms a whore,,, you might be a diva receiva


Arizona Cardinals:

Matt Leinart- Judging by the amount of trampstamps i see in Leinarts twitter feed I think hes got comeback player of the year locked down folks. Leinart came out of USC majoring in ballroom dancing which explains all the pictures of him out there wearing only athletic shorts 2 strip clubs. MATT LEINART FACT: He was born with permenent cross-eyes and had to wear special glasses and was a obese kid. Basicly his life is a male version of Shes All That if Rachel Leigh Cook had broken her collarbone in 7 places during rehearsals and lost her starring role in the school play to a creepy 40 year old gymteacher with a lesbian wife.

Jake the Snake Plummer- What a perfect name for a QB who was so full of crap he eventually got replaced by a undiagnosed dibetic with lower blood sugar then Jakes total QBR. Jake had one good season which was just one way the QBs career reminded many league cirlces of the miniseries Roots the way he served as the old NFC east whipping boy all those years.

2010-2013 QB controversys- They started Derek Anderson, John Skelton, Max Hall, Kevin Kolb, John Skelton, Kevin Kolb, then they went BACK to John Skelton, Ryan Lindley, and Bryan Hall but at some point you have to look at your receivers and Larry Fitzgerald is the one constant over these 3 years, maybe the number 11 stands for who hes really looking out for twice as much.

Dennis Green- Between Leinart and Greens son Jeremy i dont know what Dennis is teaching young people but you know it involves 11 year olds, hottubs, and cocaine. His time in the dessert is mostly known for making a fool out himself screaming about Bears being who they thought they were which was a much better team then the Cardinals. Greens autobiography was titled No Room for Crybabies which was the anti-thesis of the title of Jeremys external hard drive.

So long to the NFC West next up we’re heading South to the Aints, Sucks, Terriblina, and the team whose DJs forget to say “no offense” before hilarious Steve Gleason bits so send me your nominations below or

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