People, Let Me Tell You About My Black Friend

02.15.07 11 years ago 64 Comments

Throughout Black History Month, which, you may heard, is this dreary, short, boring month, well-meaning media organizations will take a special moment to highlight people in the footnotes of history who happened to be black. Like Crispus Attucks, the first person killed in the Boston Massacre (because he had a funny name).

It’s all kind of a tedious affair. And we here at KSK aren’t really students of history. We’re scholars of sexy. So we thought we could properly honor Black History Month and stay true to ourselves (that is, six white guys obsessed with football) by creating a mock draft of famous living black people we’d like to be friends with. Because we like them as people, not as abstractions. Besides, black people are cool and, if movies are any indication, they always help their white friends get soul, perspective, compassion or chicks.

And really, what better can we do to commemorate Black History Month than pretend to divvy up ownership rights of famous black people?

I mean, um, that is to say, uh… w-we… try to understand that…uh…”ARTICULATE” WAS MEANT AS A COMPLIMENT!

The draft came about in quite a spur of the moment fashion in our e-mail ramblings, so the order of picks didn’t reflect our respective need of blackness. If structured correctly, Caveman would probably pick first by virtue of his eerie pallor and Unsilent would go last, secure in his supreme pretend-blackness. Also, in the spirit of fairness (who knew this would first emerge during an offseason mock draft?) the order was serpentine. We tried to provide a little about what thought, if any, was going into each pick.

Round 1

MMP: Oprah

“Large, wealthy nubian princess. Plus she’s already a lesbian so I wouldn’t have to fuck her. I’d get on TV and have my own show by November sweeps.”

CC: Jay-Z

“Oprah : Mario Williams :: Jay-Z : Reggie Bush”

BDD: Don Cheadle

Drew said something about this being a sleeper pick. Cheadle’s coolness cannot be disputed but I think the real reason Drew went this route is because he’s just so smitten by the Reign Over Me trailer.

Unsilent: Halle Berry

UM didn’t give much in the way of explanation other than general slobbering. Maybe Halle can use her Storm weather controlling powers to make all this fucking snow go away.

flubby: Chris Rock

“Chappelle seems like a tweaker. He can’t be my friend. I took Chris Rock because Shirley Hemphill is dead.”

Ape: Mos Def

Amazing rapper and even a skilled actor. He also played the representative of the black delegation in Chappelle’s racial draft, so he’s a true figurehead. You can keep your retired rappers, CC.

All right. Nothing but entertainers. And Oprah. The NAACP and Bill Cosby are thrilled.

Round 2

Ape: Robert Mugabe

Before you criticize, I should at least get credit for picking a non-athlete/entertainer/rapper. Black murderous potentate is the new black head coach. I think he can get over the whole “white devil” thing. And while Zimbabwe isn’t a thriving country by any means, controlling all the resources of even a poor country has to be worth something.

flubby: George Clinton

A fine pick, I must admit. At this point, we’re all just astounded that Berman didn’t tip any of these picks, mainly because we’d have to go a Brazilion rounds before any of us considered taking TJ.

Unsilent: Russell Simmons

Lots to like here: Hip-hop pioneer, activist, former husband of Hines Ward’s fantasy girl. But Simmons is a vegan and Unsilent has already polished off a quarter chicken through the first round of this thing.

BDD: Michael Jordan

Drew knows Jordan can market anything, even Tupperware shits and beer guts. Jordan can school Drew in the wonders of adultery, among other things.

CC: Barack Obama

“Dude might be the next president; seems approachable and humorous; Dan Shanoff likes him.”

MMP: Will Smith

The actor/rapper and not the Saints defensive end. Clearly MMP is going for the “non-threatening to white people and earners of large sums of money” angle.

Round 3

MMP: Gabrielle Union

Or not. Union is sexy and a talented actr…okay, she’s talented at being sexy.

CC: Clinton Portis

“I desperately wanted Rihanna with this pick, but ultimately felt it was a wiser choice to go with the Miami alum with the stripper pole in his basement.”

BDD: Big Boi

Drew immediately claimed victory in the draft with this pick of, he said, the most talented member of Outkast. Caveman and Unsilent strenuously object, aver that Andre 3000 is the most Southernplayaistic. Says Caveman: “Of course, I’m gay for things like style, so that counts extra for me.”

Unsilent: Tiger Woods

Unsilent surprisingly spurns Gilbert Arenas, who later vows to torch UM for 50 points in Madden.

“Say what you want about his surly demeanor or his chess club celebrations, he’s still a cool guy. I love golf and with Tiger at my side I could play anywhere in the world. My dream foursome would include Tiger, Elin, and Elin’s (single?) twin sister Josephin–yeah, I’m all over that. Downside: Jimmy Roberts hiding in my bushes. “

flubby: Black Jesus

flubby didn’t elaborate too much with this one, so we all just took it to mean he was picking Morgan Freeman.

Ape: Zadie Smith

She’s beautiful and brilliant. And British, if you’ll excuse the cheap alliteration. White Teeth is a great novel and I heard On Beauty was as well.

So there you have it. Let us know who you think might have won (racism, possibly) and who we should have taken. Like me, ferinstance. Robert Mugabe? What the fuck was I thinking?

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