Tom Brady’s Baby Ends Holdout

08.23.07 10 years ago 37 Comments

WHHHAAAHH! WHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!! Whaaaaaa! Whaaaaaaaaa!

WHOA HOLY SHIT! Where the fuck am I? Last thing I remember, I was sliding down the inside of my mom and now some asshole in a mask and green pajamas is trying to nostril-fuck me! Get that fucking thing out of my nose! If you’re so eager to help, you can grab a rag there and wipe some of this pussy shrapnel off my face! And turn some of these fucking lights down! You’re not delivering a king-sized order of onion rings, faggots!

Seriously, where the fuck am I? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? What is this place? This kinda looks like a small cafeteria to me, but where are all the stacks of trays? Wait a sec, am I in NFL Europe? That would explain why it’s so cold, out here in Nonpussyville. I don’t think I can survive outside of the snatch for, oh, more than a couple of hours. Guys, for real, I can feel my lips starting to chap. You mind if I run back into my mom for a second? I have some gloves in there. I’ll be right back, seriously. I swear.

And not that I’m complaining about this, but do I have two dicks? I have this long ropecock that leads back into my mom, and then another friend down there. Is that crazy? I mean, I have two of everything else, right? When I get older, I’ll have two Christmases, too. Wicked. Yeah, that other one a little farther down is nice, too. We’ll call that my backup dick.

Yeah, go ahead, you green freaks, clamp that dick down and measure it. Just tell me how long it is in inches, and then tell me what an inch is. You could just draw an inch for me on that legal pad on that desk over there. I’m a visual learner, see.

Helloooo? Will somebody just tell me where I am? Hey, are those scissors? Be careful with those, you might…hey! HEY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING! THAT’S MY ROPECOCK! YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME I JUST GOT AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

…Damn you sons of bitches, you just slashed my ropecock. I hate all of you fucking people. I just know I’m gonna hate it in this…this cafeteria. At least I have two great parents that love each other. And a spare pecker. Fuck this place, I’m taking a nap…

Oh, hey, dipshits. One more thing…

Do I have a name?

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