Fat Beats No More
Seven Technologies That Are Going to Kill Us All

iPad Your Wallet For Apple News

By / 08.19.10

For the past four months, you’ve undoubtedly been told by countless friends, co-workers, relatives, homeless people, heroin addicts, coma patients and Amish people how incredibly awesome Apple’s iPad is and you surely feel like you’re the last person on Earth who doesn’t have one of these tablet miracles. What’s that? It’s just me? Awesome, well at least I just downloaded the newest version of WinAmp. What’s that? AW, CRAP! Unless Apple wants to send me my very own iPad so I can fit in and stop getting beat up at my GED classes by the cool kids, then I’ll have to stick to reading about the iPad in the news.

For starters, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If that’s the case, then the iPad is blushing like a virgin at a frat party. Samsung, LG, Acer, Asus, HP, Dell and probably a few dozen companies with similar names are all currently working on their own tablet devices to get their share of the proverbial pie. Unfortunately, since its April release, the iPad has been a technological steamroller. Industry experts (read: NERDS!) predict that more than 12 million tablets will be sold by the year’s end. Apple has already sold 4 million iPads. That’s a market share of at least 33%. Know how I figured that out? Obviously a calculator, since I don’t have an iPad, jerks.

But no matter how badly I want one (Note to Apple: I really want one) I won’t resort to theft. Mainly because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in prison, much like a Cherry Creek, Colorado man who recently tried to swipe a brand new iPad from an unsuspecting consumer. Brandon Smith grabbed Bill Jordan’s Apple shopping bag in a parking lot, but Jordan had the bag handles wrapped around his fingers. Smith’s snatch resulted in the skin on Jordan’s pinky finger being completely ripped off, ultimately leading to amputation. As if Smith weren’t in enough hot water, police intercepted a letter he sent to an associate pleading for Jordan’s murder so he could beat the charges. There are no iPads where Smith is going, just sweet, sweet shower love.

Perhaps Jordan could have spared his finger if he hadn’t been hauling that big box around in that bulky old bag. But the old rumors that the iPad will soon be available in a 7-inch model have resurfaced, and consumers’ prayers for a more convenient tablet may finally be answered. And those 7-inch iPads will keep Apple moving 1 million products per month, so they’ll have all those 10-inch tablets just laying around collecting dust, with nobody to enjoy all the iPad greatness. I’m just sayin’ maybe one of those gets put in a box and sent to the Uproxx fortress.

[news-links]

  • Apple is selling iPads at a rate of 1 million per month, so maybe they could afford to send one this way. (CNET)
  • Man tries to steal iPad from shopper, then tries to have him killed, now going away for a long time. (Denver Post)
  • The iPad to go from 10 inches to 7 inches, just like your new girlfriend. Boosh. (Gizmodo)

[/news-links]

[news-morenews]

  • A couple in San Diego recently got married. Big whoop, right? Well what if I told you that they read their vows to each other using iPads, while a photographer recorded the entire ceremony via iPads? Coolest wedding ever. (Offbeat Bride)
  • HBO and Verizon are independently working on live TV streaming apps for the iPad, but they have some obstacles to overcome first. For instance, Verizon wants it to only be available in your house. This will protect you from people stealing your feed. Because people won’t figure out a way around that. (PC World)

[/news-morenews]

KNOW YOUR STATS

  • iPad users watch 3 times as many videos online as regular platform web users, while iPad users spend 4 times as much time watching those videos. Can you blame them? Charlie the Unicorn looks awesome on a tablet. (The Amazing iPad)
  • 62% of iPad owners in the United Kingdom only use their magical tablet at home, while 27% never even dare to leave home with it. 31% of these iPad users will only read magazines and newspapers on their favorite Apple device now, while 24% still prefer to read actual periodicals. Probably for the better. Don’t want to drop the iPad in a toilet. (Gadgety News)


TOPICS#APPLE
TAGSDENVERHBOiPadVERIZONWEDDINGS

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