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You Are NOT The Meat!

Has Four Loko Opened Pandora’s Box?

By 11.30.10

Last week, I used my Woodstein and Bernward journalistic prowess to gather the latest news on the fascinating Four Loko craze that was gripping the nation. At the time, the Food and Drug Administration was stepping in after a great deal of complaints that the combination of malt liquor and caffeine was causing a great harm to consumers, namely college kids, to which we all replied, “Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Well now, after Four Loko’s manufacturer, Phusion Projects LLC, announced a voluntary recall of the drink, people are doing whatever they can to hoard as much of it as possible.

A Raleigh, North Carolina man and his brother are in jail after they recently tried to steal four cans of Four Loko from an unnamed convenience store after the state’s governor announced the recall of the drink. Stealing four drinks sounds like a pretty harmless offense until we point out that one of the brothers pulled a knife and held it to the store clerk’s throat when he tried to stop the theft. That’s right – people are now willing to kill for Four Loko. Then again, some people have allegedly died because of it, so it is what it is.

So what now for the future of early 20s binge drinking? Where will the future leaders of America get their massive buzz now that they can’t suck down large cans of blackout juice? Would you believed whipped cream? Known as Whipped Lightning, this version of the delicious, fluffy dessert topping comes with 15% alcohol content. That’s 30-freaking-proof. In your whipped cream. What would possess someone to even think to add alcohol to whipped cream is completely beyond me, but it’s not like it could get any stranger… could it? COULD IT?

It could. How about 40-proof chocolate milk? Two women have created their own recipe and have been producing, marketing and selling this adult take on the child beverage in California, Minnesota and Arizona to a moderate amount of success. They also plan to add to this delicious new creation with other flavors like orange cream, limeade and fruit punch. Oh, and they also suggest you try their drink with… *drum roll*… you guessed it – alcoholic whipped cream. We’ve entered a brave new world here, friends. So grab your twisty straws, some Oreos and probably a puke bucket, because we’re in for a bumpy ride.

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  • As Four Loko becomes scarce, idiots will do whatever they can to get it. (News Observer)
  • Give your ice cream that 30-proof kick with a blast of Whipped Lightning. (Smart About Health)
  • “Hello, my name is Count Chocula and I’m addicted to 40-proof chocolate milk.” (Time)

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  • The school district of Abilene, Texas was forced by state law two years ago to stop selling soft drinks in the vending machines at its schools to promote better health. The law has cost the school district at least $75,000 per year. But at least your kid’s not fat. (Big Country Homepage)
  • Here’s a fun fact: Almost every disposable coffee cup that you’ve thrown out has been rejected by recycling plants because of the plastic lining. Starbucks plans to solve that by making all of its cups recyclable by 2015. Please follow that up with pumpkin spice year round. (Inhabitat)

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  • As recent as Nov. 20, individual distributors across the country were reporting a spike in demand for Four Loko by as much as 600%. A store serving Villanova University claims that it was selling cases of the drink for $50, up from $26 only one week earlier. (ABC 6 – Philadelphia)
  • Since 2007, spirits manufacturer Diageo has gone from selling 60,000 cases of Ciroc vodka annually to nearly 600,000 cases. Coincidentally, 2007 is when P. Diddy signed on the promote the vodka as his own for a 50-50 profit split. (Financial Times)

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TAGSAlcoholBOOZECIROCDIAGEODIDDYFOUR LOKOPHILADELPHIASTARBUCKSTEXASVILLANOVA

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