As science progresses and doctors and lab rats find new and interesting ways for us to become immortal daywalkers, we also see great advancement in the world of birth control. Over the past few decades there have been many types of contraceptive methods – pills, sponges, patches, vaginal rings, IUDs, barriers, tubes, hormonal treatments, rhythm methods, pulling out, biting ears, screaming for whichever deity fits the moment… So yeah, we’ve had our options. But still, nothing beats a good old latex condom. Not just for stopping the pucks before they reach the net, but also because of the insane things that people do with them.
Take, for instance, a 20-year old woman in Fort Walton Beach, Florida as she stopped by the local Walmart to grab a few items from her wish list. The problem is that she didn’t want to deal with that whole “paying at a register” part of the common retail transaction. A loss prevention officer spotted the woman behaving in a suspicious manner, and followed her as she toured the store, placing various items in her purse. When all was said and done, the shoplifter had accumulated nearly $40 worth of items, including: lubrication, a dog collar, teeth whitener, a car window decal, some dog toys and dog food, coffee filters, and – you guessed it – a box of condoms. Unfortunately, she never got around to feeding her dogs while getting the coffee stains off her teeth before her marathon sex session in her car. And that’s about the cleanest scenario I could think of.
Meanwhile in… Florida. A woman stopped at a Naples gas station to top off the ol’ tank, and as she drove away she discovered that her car was driving a bit sluggish. After taking the car to a mechanic, it was discovered that someone had stuffed her gas tank full of condoms. She admitted to the police that she’d been having some issues with her neighbors lately, but I like to think she was doing her part in ensuring the population control of the Saturn Ion.
A Rhode Island man, however, just made sure that the rest of his life is spent behind bars because of his misuse of the most dependable prophylactic. Emmanuel Rios was sentenced to 70 years in prison for smuggling $500,000 worth of heroin into Washington D.C. in his luggage. This obvious genius packed the heroin pellets into condoms and then stuffed the junk-filled Jimmies into two crates of Incaparina juice boxes. When apprehended, Rios immediately crashed through a wall and screamed, “OH YEAH!” but Homeland Security saw through his sorcery.
- Woman’s grocery shoplifting list is all over the place. (NW Florida Daily News)
- Gas tank is 99% free from pregnancy. (Naples News)
- Rhode Island heroin smuggler is no Rhodes Scholar. (The Boston Channel)
- A judge in Manhattan Supreme Court has ruled that vendors selling Sarah Palin and Barack Obama-themed condoms are not protected under the first amendment because they represent commercial interests and not personal belief. The same company is also marketing oil spill condoms, which is good for all the people that BP has screwed. (CBS News)
- The Rocky Mountain Alley Cat Alliance thought they had a clever marketing plan for feline breeding control with their Tom Cat Condoms, which displayed a message of spaying and neutering pets. Unfortunately, people have been asking them to explain how to actually put the condoms on their furry friends. (Denver Westworld Blogs
- Many lotions that people sometimes confuse for sexual purposes contain mineral oil. This is not good news for condoms. In fact, mineral oil can break down as much as 90% of a condom’s latex strength within less than a minute’s time. According to my ex-girlfriends that’s never been an issue. (Ripnroll.com)
- 70 percent of teens will have sex by the time they turn 19-years old, and the median age for first-timers has dropped to 17-years old. Meanwhile, 100 percent of people who didn’t lose their virginity until their 20s wish they could invent time travel. (LJWorld.com)