A Look Inside An Owners Meeting

07.13.11 6 years ago 36 Comments

Int. secret meeting of NFL owners.

Robert Kraft: It looks like everyone is here, so let’s get started. As you all know, we are tantalizingly close to an agreement with the players. Now all we have to do is dig in our heels on a few lingering issues and we’ll have a fantastic deal in place.

Jerry Jones: Hold on just a second. Where’s the goddamn coffee?

Kraft: [pushes intercom] Roger, what the hell is taking so long?

/door opens meekly

Roger Goodell: [enters pushing a service cart] Here you are, sirs.

Jones: It’s about time, Red.

/throws danish at Goodell

Goodell: Thank you, sir.

Kraft: If you’re done I believe we can move on to the task at hand.

Jones: Knock yourself out, stumpy.

Dan Snyder: Wait, has free agency started yet? Because I’d like to call dibs on the following players…

Kraft: No, Danny, free agency hasn’t started yet. I’m sure you’re eager to show everyone your cards, but you’re going to have to wait.

Snyder: Whatever. [leaks intentions to sign any and all available New York Jets]

Woody Johnson: Oh, come on!

Ralph Wilson: What?

Johnson: LaCanfora just tweeted that Snyder wants to sign all of my players.

Wilson: Where am I? How did I get here?

Kraft: You’re at a secret meeting of NFL owners in New York. Your grandson dropped you off, he’s waiting in the lobby.

Paul Allen: Are we almost done here? I have a robot uprising to thwart.

Kraft: Well we haven’t actually started yet.

Goodell: Allow me to warm that up for you, Jerry.

Jones: [throws remaining coffee at Goodell] Call me by my given name again and I’ll cut off your dick and turn it into a bolo tie, you blotchy sumbitch. YEEEHAW, I AM FUCKIN CRAZY!

Goodell: Yes, sir. If you need anything further I’ll be sitting in the corner.

Kraft: Gentlemen, if we can get back on topic for a second we have some key issues to discuss.

Wilson: Revenue sharing!

Kraft: Actually we’re here to discuss the proposed rookie wage scale.

Jerry Richardson: Once I draft ’em I should be allowed to keep ’em and pay ’em whatever I see fit. Less they go gimpy, then I get to take ’em out back and shoot ’em.

Kraft: Obviously we’d all like to do that, but it’s not happening, Jerry.

Jones: What? [Cuts off Goodell’s dick, turns it into a bolo tie]

Kraft: Damn it, Jerry, that was me. And I was talking to Richardson.

Jones: Whatever. We done here? I gotta go see a whore about some pussy.

Kraft: We may as well just call it a day. Let’s plan to meet tomorrow in LA. Then we’re scheduled to meet with the judge in Minneapolis on the 19th. After that comes the official owners meeting in Atlanta on the 21st.

Bill Bidwell: Minneapolis? Atlanta? Southwest doesn’t service those destinations. Why do we have to meet in different cities every other day?

Jones: Some of us have private jets that we enjoy very much, you cheap asshole.

Snyder: Mine features a different masseuse for each of quadrant of my body.

Kraft: Mine is staffed entirely by midgets.

Jones: Mine is staffed entirely by midget whores.

Malcolm Glazer: Mine is equipped with a missle defense system that protects me when I fly in to Manchester.

Allen: Mine is an invisible spaceship.

Wilson: REVENUE SHARING! [falls asleep]

Around The Web