Beer Fixes All

10.29.09 8 years ago 12 Comments

There’s a reason I smoke and don’t drink and this commercial illustrates it perfectly.

See, if I came home and found He-Man getting his Power Sword polished in wifey’s Grayskull, the last thing I would need is a beer. Aside from thirst not being a priority, beers generally don’t make for good projectiles. They are fragile and have no balance. Even if they did, my aim would probably be off from all the rage and the Heineken would likely smack the back of her head and his hand. This would result in the first beer-bottle-aided-deepthroat homicide. Meanwhile, Prince Adam over there would probably be having the time of his life getting his sacs vacuumed dry.

And I’d end up having to explain this to my cellmate.

Or I could go outside smoke a ‘Port while dialing 911 and reporting a strange man burglarizing my home.

“Yes officer, he is armed and dangerous and I fear for my wife’s safety. Please hurry, officer. Oh my God, he’s headed for my wife!!”

At which point, I would hang up, load up the shotgun and slowly stroll back up the stairs whistling “The Farmer In the Dell”, thanking the skies for the sobriety aided revenge that awaited me.


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