Death, Taxes, And Peter King’s F–ktardery

10.14.08 9 years ago 23 Comments

You’ve had a rough couple of weeks. The economy is in the toilet. You fear for your job. You may have lost a significant portion of your savings. You’re not even sure the ATM will give you money the next time you go. You were gonna go out to dinner this weekend, but you decided to scale back, lest you find yourself out of money very soon down the road.

In times like these, there’s only one thing that all of us can rely on, and that is Peter King’s endless, stupefying inanity:

Sometimes when you’re parenting, you tell your kids, “Oh, everything’s fine. Don’t worry. Everything’s fine.” You don’t really believe it, but you figure it’s what you’ve got to say sometimes.

“No, sweetie. That rugged, gorgeous man you saw in Daddy’s bedroom was just his friend. We were just doing a cancer check on each other, because that’s what friends do. Daddy still loves Mommy. It’s just that, sometimes Mommy doesn’t like all the things Daddy likes, like pulling chains out of his ass.”

9. San Diego (3-3). Fairly predictable result last night. Chargers have a quarterback you can trust. Patriots don’t. Doesn’t Philip Rivers throw a beautiful deep ball?

He sure does. Look at it! It’s so wobbly, and underthrown! Look at how Vincent Jackson has to violently turn his body just to get into position to catch it! God, a thing of beauty. Like a butterfly with vertigo.

17. (tie) Green Bay (3-3). The thing I liked most about the win at Seattle was Aaron Rodgers playing well, almost Favrian, with a bum shoulder.

ZOMG! He played HURT! That is such a trademark Favre move!

f. You can’t bury Jeff Garcia. You can only hope to contain him.

And Matt Ryan is cooler than the other side of the plane ticket!

f. Aaron Kampman defines the phrase “great motor.”

Just to reiterate, that is the second (f) subset King used this week. I imagine King was a big fan of outlining term papers back in his days at Ohio U.

I. Paul Brown: God, what a man.
  a. Wore nice suits
  b. Looked very stern
   i. Not a big fidgeter
   ii. Smiled infrequently
    1. Like, never
     a. I’m not sure he’d get along with Tony Romo
      i. Romo is a great smiler

As for the Kampman comment itself, it follows King’s patented commenting recipe, now adapted by 10 out of 10 NFL studio analysts!

1. Take player.
2. Take very broad generalization that doesn’t require watching the player for more than 3 seconds
3. Employ overused metaphor, preferably related to war or cars.
4. Combine into single, idiotic sentence.

Like so!
-Peyton Manning defines the word “trooper”.
-The Saints are what we like to call a “high-octane” offense.
-Brett Favre is just like an old Cadillac!
-Two words on the Browns last night: AERIAL ASSAULT.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. Joe Maddon. Spencer Tracy.

B. Play baseball, Manny.

Those are not non-football thoughts. Those are non-thoughts. Hey Manny, stop playing jai alai, you bastard!

So you see. Life isn’t so bad. No matter how bleak things may look, take comfort in knowing that you aren’t football’s equivalent of Billy Bush.

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