God Explains Week 6 of the NFL Season

10.15.08 9 years ago 29 Comments

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 6 in the NFL happen as they did.

-Many of you are undoubtedly wondering why so many of Sunday’s games were decided in the final 10 seconds of play. Well frankly not enough obese men have been suffering massive heart attacks and strokes as of late. The numbers needed a little padding, so I figured, why not kill the fatties with some excitement? You mortals can trust that I feel the pain of the loved ones they have left behind, especially the ones in Chicago. I may be all-knowing, but I hadn’t expected Atlanta’s ridiculous comeback to wipe out a third of Chicago’s adult male population. To be fair, Lovie Smith should shoulder some of that blame with me. Oh and the Cubs. Yeah, it’s totally their fault! I’d send Kosuke Fukudome to an eternity of damnation, but Japanese Hell is not my domain. Nope, way too much tentacle rape for my comfort level, so I just let them do their own thing.

-Not only did keep the Cowboys of Dallas from beating the Buzzsaw of Arizona, I also broke Tony Romo’s pinky finger. Call Me overly harsh if you must, but I expect a little extra prayer from that guy. You know, if the Sodomites found some more time for earnest worship I would have let a lot of that stuff go, and such is the case for Romo. My favored son has had every advantage over the past few years, and all the while he’s been living a life envied by all. But instead of thanking Me at every occasion, he spends all of his time on the phone with that blond temptress and fumbling in the endzone. Besides, his name ends in a vowel, so I naturally expect a bit more churchgoing.

-I, in my infinite foresight, told you that the Chargers-Pats game would be tits on ice. I didn’t even feel the need to keep things close, because as we all know, everybody is just tuning in to watch New England get curb-stomped. Me damn, I hate those douchebags. I mean, I created all of you equally, and I’m supposed to love all my children, but they totally cheated. And Bill Belichick once molested a ferret. I saw that shit, for I am everywhere.

-Shaun Alexander has indeed signed with the Redskins of Washington. As a punter. For some reason he thinks I not only healed his foot, but also gave it super Christian kicking powers. Silly Shaun, I only bestowed that gift upon Jason Elam. For he is My Kicker, and you are my lamb.

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