Secret Stadia Conduct Codes Revealed

07.07.08 9 years ago 45 Comments

The Chiefs drew the ire of the part of the football world that can still pay attention this time of the year when they announced they were banning fans from standing during games, even though their fat does that for them. The motive is unknown, presumably standing enables fans to properly gauge the fucktasticality of the home team.

Hoping to counteract the ignominy heaped on the Chiefs (more so), an enterprising journo from the KC Star scanned fan conduct codes around the league and found that the Steelers remove fans for “displays of affection not appropriate in a public setting,” which seems downright humanitarian in Pittsburgh.

Naturally, we had to come up with some more.

The Bengals have prohibited criminal defense attorneys in attendance from throwing their business cards in the direction of the sidelines.

Groundskeepers barred from entering Heinz Field.

The Oakland Raiders have banned pikes and garrottes from the Black Hole. Blunt instruments are still acceptable.

Georgia Dome: No dogs.

Viking fans are now banned from making any noise, so as not to distract from the piped-in noise.

The Eagles have ban against any fan behavior deemed “overtly civil”. Also, no batteries smaller than Double-A.

Gillette Stadium:

-Patriot fans must check all hoods and robes at Gate B.
-No daaaahkies
-Hate crimes punishable by three-minute time out.

The Jets have a ban prohibiting attractive women from baring their breasts. Only the homely may do as such.

Panther fans MUST bring their own spittoons.

If you don’t eat at least two servings of poutines at a Bills game, they’ll polite ask you to do it again.

Packers fans under 3 bills must double up in their seats to accommodate the fatties.

Qwest Field:

-No original cheering themes
-No cumming on Maurice Morris’ hair
-No smiling
-No walking around without an iPod
-No sunshine
-No walking around without a messenger bag or mood journal

Dolphins fans are required to quit being old and Jewish.

Chargers fans are required to commit to a Hispanic street gang before halftime.

Ford Field:

-No FIRE MIllen signs
-No FIRE Marinelli signs
-No fire drill for the PAT team
-No fires
-No fire extinguishers
-No fire exits
-No Firestone tires

The men’s bathrooms at Monster Park are for gay sex acts ONLY.

Jaguar fans are officially banned from giving a shit.

The Superdome:
-No sober people
-No shoes, please
-No raping in the upper deck before 10PM
-No waiting for the President to show up

No more Cardinal fans are allowed to write for that fucking New York Magazine.

Broncos fans must bring own barrel.

Rams fans are prohibited from leaving the game early in order to get on the road well in advance of Leonard Little.

Colts fans are banned from wearing any garment that is not considered official apparel of the NFL.

Ticket takers at Texans’ stadium required to ask “You sure you at the right place?”

Tennessee: No. Receivers. Allowed. On. Premises.

Saints fans only admitted if they have a California driver’s license.

M&T Bank Stadium:

-Heads and appendages must be sorted into proper receptacles
-Minimum two crack rocks per hot dog purchased. Three per hot dog stolen.
-Women’s hair at least two feet high

Texas Stadium:

-No Democrats
-No badmouthing oil companies
-No surgically-untouched faces or breasts
-No humility

Los Angeles pro football fans are hereby ordered to exist.

Bills fans are prohibited from crossing the border with any deux deux deuxs.

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