The Wolfman Of The Big Easy

02.11.13 5 years ago 34 Comments

Sean Payton: I’m back, men. I’m finally back. It seems like forever ago that I was coaching you guys, but I think I’ve used my time away from the game constructively. My long journey of discovery gave me perspective and a brand new lease on life. Also, I met Jozzylyyyn here. She really is quite a treat. It’s like a Super Bowl onside kick every night.

Jonathan Vilma: That’s great, coach, but we still got screwed over the NFL. They took a full season of ours and we’ll never get it back.

Sean Payton: That’s true. We got dicked over hardcore and we can never forget that. But being screwed by The Man doesn’t take away from the fact that you all didn’t DO YOUR JOB while I was gone. Don’t think I didn’t watch those games. You were awful.

Roman Harper: But we couldn’t affect the head! How were we supposed to play defense without kill shots? It’s not possible!

Sean Payton: It is possible.

Roman Harper: But how?

Sean Payton: You’re gonna see. Just before I made it back to New Orleans, I met this guy on the road. Gave me a lift on the road. We got to talking and I think he’s got some good ideas about how to fix our defense.

[Loading dock door flies open]

Rob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Lemme tell ya, I fucking love New Orleans. The whole town smells like beef bouillon and pussy. Fair rates on child creole prostitutes. Pretty good music, too. You boys like Captain Beefheart? Well, you will soon.

Jonathan Vilma: Wait a minute: this is the guy you got? He’s one of the Ryan brothers. Man, they practically invented bounties.

Rob: Invented? No way, compadre. Believe me, I tried getting the trademark. Then I found out it takes more work than kicking the shit out of whoever has the trademark to get it. Whole patent system is broke, if you ask me.

Roman Harper: This is ridiculous. Goodell is gonna be all over us.

Rob: Let that narrow-assed rich boy grill us all he wants. It is true that my daddy was all about the bounties. One time, he paid me and Rex $35 apiece to kneecap a radio guy who questioned his schemes. We would have done it for free, but dad loved his boys. Wanted to make sure we had cash on hand for whores. But he was also smart about it. No way Buddy would have been caught asking players to injure quarterbacks on tape. That documentarian wouldn’t have been allowed to leave the building in one piece.

Vilma: So, what, we’re just supposed to be super secretive about it?

Rob: Oh no, it’s a different era than it was back then. Headhunting alone won’t get it done. You have to wage biological warfare. That’s why I already got on the horn and got a shipment of scorpion dick extract mailed here from Ray Lewis’ guy. That stuff works wonders. Fucks up a QB’s nervous system like nothing else. Thanks to Sean’s lady, we’re gonna get that in Matt Ryan’s system before the end of the week.

Curtis Lofton: I mean, I don’t know about this.

Rob: Uh oh, we gotta dissenter in the ranks. This sounds a job for the woodchipper.

Sean Payton: Woohoo! The Saints are back!

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