“You Have The Right To Remain…”

01.13.09 9 years ago 45 Comments

We already established that one of the qualifying requirements to get hired by any law enforcement agency is to be irrationally infatuated with Contra™ and his brand new (read:”used”) Contramobile™. So in accordance with standard training, I was yet again pulled over, this time in Phenix City, Alabama (about two feet away from the Georgia state line.)

This time though, I couldn’t slick talk my way out of it. I lost my bloody voice last week to some random damnation most believe to be Karma. After spending all day telling dudes to fut the shuck up, I now can’t do anything but that. I can still type though, so I gmail, text and Tweet. I can also insult people with fingers, hand gestures and by mouthing the word “Vacuum”. I don’t generally pick phone calls, or return them, so as long as my ears work I’m good.

No voice is really no problem 99% of the time if you’re a professional a-hole. But that 1% of the time includes scenarios where an officer pulls you over and asks “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

I stared back at him for a while and tried to speak, all the while hoping his parents weren’t of the same lineage and that he would understand my handicap. Apparently, he had still not recovered from Down’s Syndrome and his other childhood mental impediments, so he couldn’t quite figure out that I couldn’t talk. He instead insisted that I speak up with no result. Eventually, he urged me to get out of the car. He proceeded to try and get me to speak louder one more time and I proceeded to play Pictionary with his retarded ass.

After asking me if I could speak English and receiving this face, he took my documents and walked off. He returned to me and told me I was good to go and that I needed to get tags.

I nodded and, when he turned around, I enunciated “Vacuum” while hopping back in my ride.

That’s it. No witty conclusion here. Just a random story.

Previously Posted — “Flashing Lights”

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