We hope you enjoyed your Labor Day. Now, we’re going to terrify the living crap out of you. Whether it’s getting rained on, on fire, or going to wipe us out with disease, leave it to Uproxx News to ruin your Tuesday morning.
Let’s start with the ongoing disaster in Colorado. A wildfire broke out in Four Mile Canyon, near Boulder, and chewed its way through 3500 acres or so of real estate, wiping out dozens of homes and probably leading to an uptick in construction for Colorado, so that’s good economic news at least. If we seem callous making jokes, it’s because nobody was killed or even injured, which is a testament to the speed, efficiency, and practice of Colorado’s fine firefighting teams. Yeah, it’s never fun when somebody’s house burns down, but if you’re alive, at least you can roast marshmellows.
Nobody’s roasting any marshmellows in Texas, because the deeply religious find anything fun a sin. Also, the entire southern part of the state is getting creamed by Tropical Storm Hermine, which sounds to us like a transgendered way of spelling “Herman”, but whatever. Hermine is unloading up to a foot of rain, which since it’s Texas will help tamp down the smog, but once again, it hasn’t killed anybody. Newsanchors are stockpiling fake tears to win local Emmys just in case.
And finally, because we haven’t had enough fire, Mount Sinabung over in Indonesia has decided it’s not done pumping out lots of flaming magma. It’s been dormant for centuries, but woke up recently, because, you know, Indonesia is so bucolic and never has any sort of problem, so Nature just had to ruin its day. So far, it’s only launched some ash into the air, which is already enough to cause a ton of chaos, but locals have reporting seeing something glow, and with volcanoes, that’s generally not good news. Maybe they should import some firefighters from Colorado, just in case.
- Colorado nearly burns to ground, “South Park” prepares some sort of in-joke only five people will get about it (UPI)
- Tropical Storm Hermine says “howdy!” to Texas (Associated Press)
- The earth farts ash in Indonesia, a prelude to it really dropping a hot fiery load of magma in that country’s cereal (New York Daily News)
- Did you think we were done with disasters and terrifying you? You wish! Japan found the gene NDM-1, which makes bacteria resistant to most drugs, in a man who’d gotten medical treatment in India. And lest you think this won’t affect you, people go to places like India to get, say, cheap cosmetic surgery, meaning a strain of NDM-1 pumped bacteria could be paying a visit soon. Happy workday! (Yahoo News)
- And lest you thought at least plant life wasn’t getting in on the act, the Coast Guard has reported red tide in New York Harbor, and recommends nobody swim or boat in New York Harbor. Not because of the dangerous algal blooms, but because New York Harbor is nasty. (NBC New York)
KNOW YOUR STATS
The amount of damage wildfires cause has gone up massively during the last ten years thanks to federal mismanagement of forests, and people not listening to Smokey the Bear. But it’s mostly California, so what the hell (National Center for Policy Analysis)
The last eruption to make the news, [insert joke about unpronounceable Icelandic name here], cost the world $650 million. (CBS News)
I want more like this!
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