2013 KSK NFL Prekkake: Carolina Panthers

08.21.13 4 years ago 39 Comments


Last year: 7-9, second place in NFC South

Acquisitions: Star Lotulelei, Chase Blackburn, Ted Ginn, Kawann Short, Drayton Florence

Departures: Chris Gamble, James Anderson, Louis Murphy, Ron Edwards

Vegas win total over/under: 7 wins.

Verdict: PUSH

Jerry Richardson

Five things the Panthers will add to their stadium with $87.5 million in public money:

– A basketball court.

– Tar Heel awareness zone.

– Jerry Richardson’s servitude experience area.

– Jimmy Clausen dunk tank.

– Honestly, just a bunch of new stuff in the luxury boxes.

Fan forecast, by @M_R_Fish:

Oh those crazy Carolina Panthers… forever intertwined with the Jaguars as coming into the league at the same time, yet at least with one more Super Bowl appearance than Jacksonville will ever see. I would laugh at that statement if not for the fact that it’s a.) true, and b.) the only team we can really look at and make fun of because holy hell is this team more dickholed when it comes to having things land in their laps only to squander it in the biggest f*cking ways possible.

We went from Kerry Collins being a badass next-gen superstar to a drunk whiny-assed f*cktard in the span of less than one season who then just up and quit, to a very underrated QB in Steve Beurlein who some still say is the best QB we’ve ever had only to be stuck on mediocre teams with no defense whatsoever to help their great offense. We unceremoniously slapped a dildo onto George Seifert who then decided to f*ck everything we knew sideways while sending Steve out the back door with that dildo so deep up his ass he never walked straight again and then decided to hand the reigns over to Chris Weinke. Let that sink in to all of you out there who bitch and moan about having a bad QB – we had Chris Weinke and you didn’t. It got so bad with him that they actually won a game by NOT letting him play QB and instead let our RB be the QB for most of the game. After all this, we got ol’ DAWWWWWWWWWWWWW HORSEFEATHERS Delhomme which at first was great because we had a team that could complement him, then he got a contract and basically told everybody (including his own arm) F*CK YOU and well we all know how that went down.

Now, why go through that whole spiel just to get to the GLOREEEEEE BOY Cam Newton? F*CK YOU, that’s why! We finally get a QB for the ages and what do we decide to do with him after he has the best rookie season for a QB EVER? We give him another season of the same bullshit with Ron Rivera and CHUD and the season once again goes down the shitter because everybody got too cute for themselves. Do I see any change for this year with the team now that we ejected CHUD and brought in Mike Shulwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait, WHAT IN THE HOLIEST OF F*CKS???? We brought in Mike f*cking SHULA to be our offensive coordinator? We promoted KEN DORSEY to be the new QB coach that Shula was the past 2 years? We kept Ron Rivera as our head coach????

Two straight rookies of the year on each side of the ball and we still brought all the assholes back with the exception of the GM who decided to give basically billions to seventy-million running backs. When you f*ck with JRich’s money, then you get thrown out into the street and shot.

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that we’ll still beat all your asses and win the f*cking Super Bowl this year, or my name isn’t Ryan Kalil Jr.

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