Augusta National is one of the nation’s most important cultural landmarks in American golf history. The course has seen its share of champions and heartbreak dating back to 1933, when Bobby Jones and Alister MacKenzie designed the most iconic and exclusive golf course in the South. Augusta is replete with storied pines, manicured greens, and aromatic azaleas that attracted crowds from near and far to bear witness to the peaceful perfection that is The Masters. Its also a worldclass place to rustle up some pootang.
Yesterday, Fox Sports 1 ran a article about how a woman can land a hubsand at the Masters. This was extremely inappropriate and sexist because it didnt give any tips for how guys can get laid so it therefore discriminated aganst men. Its not called “awomen corner” for a reason, folks. So I’m here to right that wrong and write a column for MALE golf fans finally, and can pass along some knowledge about how to find a acceptable wife at The Masters.
Don’t be afraid to talk some golf with them
If you see a women isolated from the pack and looking lost this is your perfect chance to go up and introduce yourself. Your going to want to show off a bit for her, and a good way to do this is to ask her a obscure Masters trivia question so that you can impress her with how little she actualy knows about golf.
And be subliminal.
Women hate it when men are too direct so you have to be gentle and decieve her into thinking your not being direct. Its an old advertising trick, but throughout the day, intermitently ask her if she can look up the scores of players that you know to have shot a 69. This will get her thinking about sex, and also make her think that shes being helpful by providing you with informaton. What a good little golf fan shes being! Women love this.
Women LOVE married men.
If your married, it tells other women “too bad so sad” you’re off limits. If you know your history you’d know that if theres one thing that women want, its stuff that they aren’t allowed to have like carbs, the right to vote, equal pay, etc., and a women look at a man with a ring on his finger like a walking polling booth with a raging hard-on. However, the fake-wedding ring thing is kind of played out since most women have kind of a “honor among theives” type arrangement nowdays. So your best bet is to take it one step farther and walk around casualy holding your unsigned divorce papers in hand so they know that while your technicaly still taken, she can still do mouth stuff behind a azalea bush without feeling bad about it.
Hang out near the ESPN anchors desk.
Its a fact- women love celebritys and especially dudes on TV. Stop by the ESPN booth and your sure to spot a few dozen golf groupies hoping to catch a glimpse of Mike Tiricos patented LL Cool J type smile, or overhear one of Chris Bermans trademark nicknames like “Tiger ‘in the’ Woods ‘again.’” Perhaps the most sexual of all of the golf reporters is ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt- who’s name literally translates to “boning a ginger in a plymouth voyager.” So your first advantage here is that the woman are going to be all hot and bothered by the celebs and you can get some rollover arousal off that if you hang around them and ask them for autographs and stuff.
Women are attracted to guys on TV, so to become your own celebrity you need to just stand behind the anchors desk when there doing liveshots and jump around, wave, and make cool faces during the broadcast. Presto- your a television star! Bring a “D-fence” sign too and when a chick asks you about it tell her your just rooting for the golf course.
Watch what they’re eating
Ok PC police cover your ears before you read this because its grown-up time. Guys are only attracted to women aged 18-24 and theres a lot of stuff that happens to the female body after they peak in their early twenties that most men dont see coming. The biggest mistake a guy will make is leave his wife and famly for a 19 year-old marketing assistant when her metabolism hasnt begun to slow down yet. In order to prevent yourself from goofing up and settling down with a chick whose not going to be as hot in a few years you need to monitor her habits NOW. If your at The Masters you want to approach the women who are eating salads. Its called a piMENto cheese sandwich last time I checked, and if you see a chick wolfing down on one shes not wife material. No offense, but I want a babe who has a little gap wedge between her thighs for when a baby needs to fit through there, and if your future wife is more concern with spreading cheese then her legs, thats a bad sign buddy.
Peacock a little bit
Women love a man who stands out from the crowd and there are a couple ways to do this in Augustsa thats more effective than anywhere else.
- Wear spikes: Its like in any other sport where you want to let the women know that you also, play that sport. It gives you a connection with the actual players that women love. Its like bringing a mitt to baseball game, or showing up to a NFL game with a couple DUIs under your belt.
- Be the drunkest one there. Its pretty much a rule that at sports events the two drunkest people will end up making out with each other.
- Wear red. Lets every one know that your modeling your game after Tiger Woods’ on and off the course. Plus if you can find a chick whose still cheering for Tiger, then you might as well call it a draw because your in for a 3-hole playoff.