Most of you already realize that Earth Hour took place last Saturday at 8 pm. The newly-created event designed to raise awareness for energy conservation was not a big hit with KSK’s Monday Morning Punter, and that contributor commemorates the event with a running diary of how he answered the World Wildlife Fund’s call to help the environment.
7:59 – Turned on every light in house, including both TVs, which are both in the living room. The 32-inch and 19-inch sets are tuned to CBS and FOX, respectively. The PlayStation 2, despite not being used, is also turned on, but with no game in the system.
8:02 – Answered the door from disgruntled next-door neighbor complaining about “light pollution” and how I’m not “doing [my] part.” Gives a confused look when I scold him for lack of butane conservation after he lights up a cigarette.
8:06 – Order two large pizzas from Papa John’s, Pizza Hut, and Domino’s. Tell each person taking my order that I will tip generously if the pizza arrives before 9, but insist that if the pies arrive right at 9 or later, I will not pay.
8:09 – Wife calls and tells me she’s running late from work. I remember that I have a wife. I leave the cell phone on the table.
8:12 – Throw one sock in washing machine. Set wash cycle for a full load with hot water. Without soap.
8:17 – Pull out electric guitar and amp from closet and set up on front porch. Attempt to spraypaint PUNTER-PALOOZA in the front yard grass, but realize too late that I’ve made my letters too big.
8:19 – Ignore unattractive woman walking by that asks, “What’s PUNTE?”
8:24 – Papa John’s guy shows up during uninspiring solo performance of “Wild Thing.” I tip half the bill. Before tax, of course. Neighbor shows up (holding a candle) to complain about something after dropping his newspapers in the green bin by his garage, and then storms back into his house when I don’t offer him any pizza. He leaves in such a huff that he forgets his lighter.
8:31 – Go inside to take a shit. Realize I have no toilet paper, either on the roll or under the sink, but I do have a whole can of hairspray. I fumble through the wastebasket hoping to find a partially used tissue that I might have either bled on or blown my nose on, something that still has enough life that it could withstand one good wipe of the ass. I immediately abandon this plan when I realize that I would be, in fact, recycling.
8:36 – Cell phone rings, but I’m stuck on the shitter, so I can’t answer it.
8:40 – Finally suck it up and wipe ass with a picture of Kate Bosworth ripped out of Marie Claire. I mutter something sexual and unclever during the act. Flush toilet several times to make sure paper doesn’t clog the toilet.
8:42 – Fuck, the toilet did clog. Plunger time!
8:46 – Head back out to the front porch to start my second set when I hear a loud crash. I get outside and see that the Pizza Hut delivery driver has rear-ended the Domino’s delivery driver. I realize they’re both okay when I hear the Domino’s driver ask, “What’s PUNTE?”
8:51 – Shitbag neighbor comes back out during performance of “Louie Louie” and threatens to call the police, but gets shouted down by the Domino’s and Pizza Hut drivers, who are enjoying the show while they’re waiting for, ironically enough, the police to show up and take an accident report. But now the neighbor’s not backing down, and the three of them are shouting toe-to-toe.
8:53 – I run back inside to the bathroom and grab the can of hairspray under the sink . I run back outside and pick up the lighter my neighbor left on my porch and run over to his recycling bin, which is full of newspapers. The lighter lights on the first try, and I hold the can of hairspray just behind the flame.
8:55 – BIG. FUCKING. NEWSPAPER FIRE! My little bitch neighbor is squealing with fear, and running for the garden hose. The Pizza Hut driver actually tries to approach the blaze. Until a piece of newspaper flies off and nearly hits him in the face. I hear the neighbor’s squealing turn into homicidal screams of horror. I look over and see him tugging on the valve. Is he really too big a pussy to turn on the hose? Domino’s guy shoves him out of the way and cranks the valve open. By now the plastic bin holding the papers is melting, and the stink of burning plastic is filling the air as the Domino’s guy manages to put out the flame.
9:02 – Wife pulls up, with local police right behind. Neighbor is laying face-down in his own driveway, panting. The pizza guys storm the police cruiser as my wife stares at the lawn, and asks…
“Why’d you make the letters so big, dumbass?”