KLEARINGHOUSE: Avert Your Eyes From Nacho’s Gaze

08.14.14 3 years ago 48 Comments

Mark Sanchez is making the most of his second chance in the NFL in Philadelphia. And by that, I mean he’s videotaping an offensive lineman and a tight end taking an Epsom salt bath and posting it on the Internet. That’s good, Nacho, antagonize your blockers. That should work wonders for you if you ever get on the field. Lane Johnson and Zach Ertz don’t seem to thrilled with Nacho’s playfulness, though I don’t understand the aggressive hiding of their faces. Perhaps like Medusa, Sanchez’s suckiness can be inflicted through eye contact.

— China is going to have its own pro football league, which I’m not sure will be more of less authoritarian than the NFL. Nevertheless, get the Tebow to China rumors started! It’s gonna to be an indoor league because air pollution, probably.

— The NFL is now considering harsher penalties (surely out of the goodness of their hearts and not because of any obvious public pressure) for future domestic violence cases, including a four-to-six game suspension for a first offense and a year-long suspension for a second. Of course, the league will also considering banning the N-word a few months ago and that fizzled out quickly, so don’t hold your breath.

— Meanwhile, Maine governor Paul LePage said he believes that Ray Rice should have been suspended for three years and that the Ravens should have taken the running back “to the shed” to set him straight. Sorry, LePage, if you knew your football, you’d know only the Redskins have a shady injury shed.

— Marshawn Lynch has been cleared of all wrongdoing by Bellevue Police in regards to the accusations against him for assault and property damage. So Beast Mode can go back to worrying how many carries of his will be taken this season by Robert Turbin and Christine Michael.

— The Seahawks checked in with Richie Incognito’s agent, but local beat writers say don’t expect him to sign with the team.

— Michael Sam sends congratulations and fondest wishes to Chip Sarafin, the Arizona State linemen who came out as the first openly gay D-1 college football player. So we can look forward to Tony Dungy explaining how he’d never draft Sarafin next year.

— Tom Brady said he has his hands on his centers’ butts more than their wives do. Way to out them for having cold, loveless marriages, Dreamboat.

— Cleveland fan has a Josh Gordon 420 jersey. You’ll be shocked to learn he’s into stretched piercing.



— Adidas is putting out a shoe that is designed to look like it’s covered in mud. I think the NFL should make it required benchwarmer apparel so it still looks like they went out there and fought really hard or just happened to step in shit.

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