KSK Mock Draft: Personal Non-Gun Weapons

03.15.07 11 years ago 79 Comments

Some people have made the point that we’ve completely strayed from any football coverage since the end of the season. This critique has not fallen on deaf ears around these parts.


Hey, the Patriots signed a bunch of receivers! ’bout time. But did they really give that much money to Kelley Washington? Too, too much, indeed.

There. You’re all caught up. It’s the fucking off-season, remember?

Now: the weekly mock draft. Coming to a consensus on this week’s subject was a tough row to hoe, especially because we’re not farmers so that idiom makes no sense to us. At first, we considered the invention you’d most like to have on a desert island, but we all seemed to come to the same conclusion.

Our thoughts, as they often do, strayed to killing. Fastidious enthusiasts of violence that we are, we enjoy murderous implements of all sorts. Sure, firing a gun accurately requires a great deal of skill and technique, but where is the brutal artistry? Killing with a gun robs you of the personal touch you only get with hired goons personal non-gun weapons. From this, a draft was born.

And if we could use them to maim and butcher the person who came up with the Wendy’s “Trophy burger” commericials, all the better, right?

Round 1

1. flubby — The club.
“Over the years, the club has been the preferred weapon of degenerates ranging from Australopithecus to Sheriff Buford Pusser to Eazy-muthafukkin-E. The version I use is an early-1960’s Al Kaline MacGregor baseball bat.”

2. Ape — Taser

On the lethality scale, it’s probably fairly low. But the hilarity quotient is off the charts.

3. Caveman — Military flail with morning star

“From Wikipedia:

* Unlike a sword or mace, it doesn’t transfer vibrations from the impact to the wielder.
* It is difficult to block with a shield or parry with a weapon because it can curve over and round impediments such as shield or weapons and still strike the target.
* It provides defense whilst in motion.
* The flail needed space to swing and could easily endanger the wielder’s comrades.

Check, check, check, and check. I especially like that it might harm my allies.”

4. Punter — Bow and arrow

“I enjoy incapacitating personnel as much as the next sociopath, but all that time walking up to that person seems like such a waste.

With a bow and arrow, now I can kill without interpersonal contact. Thanks, bow and arrow!”

5. Unsilent — Hanzo steel

“Obvious yet superior.”

6. Drew — Machete

“Preferred weapon of drug kingpins and African warlords alike, the machete lets people know you’re serious about hacking them to pieces, especially when it comes to children. Plus, the machete is relatively light, for quick slicing. And, as a bonus, it can cut through tough undergrowth, making a lovely mulch for your landscaping work. Bonus points if the machete is rusty and therefore more prone to cause infection. I really wish I could have picked the Krull, but no fictional weapons allowed.”

Round 2

7. Drew — Battle Axe

“I don’t know why, but you only see dwarves handling battle axes. This makes no sense to me. What makes the battle axe so inherently dwarven? I think full-heighted people should also be able to take advantage of its dual-sided blade (excellent for backhanded slashing) and intimidating appearance. I’ve never seen a battle axe used properly in film. This is a weapon that should rightfully fuck people up left and right. Great for Execution-style decapitations.”

8. Unsilent — War hammer

“It’s like a hammer, only it’s made to kill people.”

A uniform state of shock descends over KSK. Unsilent isn’t fucking up a draft board. Clearly because he knows he has the Jew claw to fall back on regardless.

9. Punter — Shuriken

“Throwing stars KICK ASS. That is all.”

10. Caveman — Crowbill

“I’m dovetailing off UM’s pick here. From the Battle of Stirling in Braveheart, it’s the weapon that makes the “THUNK” sound when driven through the Englishman’s helmet. It’s like the war hammer, but I think it has a better draft value because it came in under the radar.”

11. Ape — Trident

For something to look awesome with while standing astride a vanquished
foe. Also weapon of choice of Brick Tamland.

12. flubby — Bolas

“Because I’ve often dreamed of being a gaucho on the Pampas. (man, does that sound fruity).”

Round 3

13. flubby — Nunchucks

“Cool, but useless.”

14. Ape — Poison blow darts

I need a long-range weapon. In movies, people always get nailed in the
neck. I prefer the eyes.

15. Caveman — Trebuchet

“I, too, am looking to increase my range. I’ll take the trebuchet, a beautiful hybrid of slingshot and catapult.”

In a stroke, Caveman completely upended the whole point of the draft. We bitched, but then he started waving his gun around. Problem solved in a flash. Enjoy your big French catapult, pussy basket.

16. Punter — Plastic bag

“Recommended for ages 2 and under.”

That’s just ghastly, Punter. Which is why we love you…from at least 500 yards at all times. But, as with most weapons, plastic bag can serve the purposes of evil. Observe:

17. Unsilent — Whip

“I’d just snatch the weapon right out of your hand.”

I’d only support this if Unsilent got one of those Castlevania whips that got stronger with the more people you destroyed with it and shot flames out of the end. But then, Simon Belmont was a little too effete in that Captain N cartoon series, so it’s a wash.

18. Drew — Crossbow

“It’s like a gun, but with arrows! Plus, you don’t have to worry about
the bow snapping against your arm with a regular bow. ever have that
happen? Holy fuck does that hurt.”

We were going to shoot this down, because it’s too much like a gun – crossbows have stocks and triggers, for fuck sake – and for being redolent of Punter’s pick of bow and arrow. Then again, Caveman took a trebuchet, so who are we to rigidly adhere to rules and procedure?

Of course, like the NCAA Tournament, which you’re probably watching in lieu of reading this today, some worthy candidates get left by the wayside. In the hopes of not being remiss, we offer a few honorable mentions:

Brass knuckles (Tough to pass on this, but I needed a distance weapon.)
Tire iron
Two-handed sword
Bastard sword
Scimitar (so curvy!)
Sack of doorknobs

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