Lawrence Vickers: Latest Victim Of Ants In The Pants

06.07.12 6 years ago 28 Comments

I would like to submit the lede of this story in a contest for the worst opening for a novel ever.

Cowboys fullback Lawrence Vickers was stretching before the start of organized team activities on Wednesday like he always does.

Then as he approached a special teams drill he noticed something was wrong.


A shame the Bulwer-Lytton deadline has already passed. Guess I can still use it for NaNoWriMo.

Returning to the point: Vickers had to leave practice yesterday because two red ants got in his pants. He scurried off the field clutching his groin in a panic, which you might imagine attracted some attention. It’s not that he’s a spazz. Vickers is allergic to ants.

Overheard from Jason Garrett: “Oh, I find this lummox’s potentially serious situation to be quite risible! I will be sure to share this tale during my next eating! Ha ha! Ha ha!”

I feel for Vickers, though. Of all thing, ants are a pretty sh*tty thing to be allergic to, but at least it beats a peanut allergy. Sorry, papa needs his Thai food.

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