Magic Johnson, Have I Got A Deal For You

03.28.12 6 years ago 26 Comments

I know a savvy businessman when I see one. And you, sir, may be the savviest one around.

[Hands over Voss bottle filled with tap water]

Now, I know you just completed the deal for your first sports franchise, bit it isn’t too soon to think about expanding your portfolio into other leagues. You’ve seen yourself the fantastic rate at which teams appreciate in value. If you wait any longer, you could be priced out of this golden opportunity.

Now, we all know that football teams are worth more than baseball teams, so I’m afraid I’m not willing to part with my club for anything less than $3.5 billion. I could get much more for the Bengals, you see. I could get $10 billion if I really wanted. Maybe $20 billion. But I’m willing to settle for a smaller figure because it’s important to me to sell to a party that I know has the team’s best interest at heart.

[Doesn’t pay for phone service at team headquarters, uses secretary’s cell phone for all calls]

You’re very connected to the Los Angeles area. If you purchased the Bengals, I expect that you would almost certainly relocate the team to that city. I can’t say that I would be in love with that idea, but if we bumped your offer up to the still very reasonable and affordable $4 billion mark, I could be convinced to be in support of the move.

You should know that you’re not buying some old broken down misbegotten franchise. We’ve built a winner here with a young talented core of players. We were in the playoff last season.

[Happy it wasn’t a home game since it wouldn’t have sold out]

Personally, I couldn’t blame you for relocating, of course. Thriving in a small market is a very difficult thing to do, even in the NFL. I’ve had to keep operating expenses down to maintain levels of profitability. That’s why I had to bum a ride to this Boston Market to meet with you. Wow, did you spring for the large gourmet side of creamed spinach? You are loaded, aren’t you?

Anyway, when you have your offer completed, you can fax it to CCS Paper Supply. We share a building with them and they let us use their fax machine. If you send something with my name on it, they’re usually pretty good about seeing that it gets in my hands. Great bunch of guys. They’ll be sad to see the team go.

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