Peter King Mourns The Red Sox Four Times More Than He Mourns A Dead Man

10.03.11 6 years ago 94 Comments

When we last left glorified Yankee Stadium latte Yelp reviewer Peter King, he was telling you that the Browns were “the kind of team that can grow into something,” that something apparently being a horrible team that gets housed at home by the Titans. He also didn’t know who the Eagles were right now, was considering using Pandora as his music service (Nard Dog’s Greatest Hits coming up!), and telling you about Curt Schilling’s pet ferret. Useful stuff.

So what about this week? Is Trent Cole still underappreciated even when he’s not underappreciated? Will sophisticated UConn beat writers manage to survive trips to Ball State? And where can a man get some good foam up in this bitch? READ ON.

Ten Things that surprise me about the NFL at the quarter-pole:

That’s a legit 25% pole right there. Peter knows his poles.

Some things are just plain weird, like Ronnie Brown, a very smart football player, turning around in the middle of the line of scrimmage and throwing the ball away as if it had herpes.

Look at Peter busting out the herpes joke! Our little man is semiquasialmost fit to write on the Internet now!

Dallas could be 4-0. Dallas could be 0-4. Dallas is 2-2.

I swear to God that Bob Costas had this exact same non-insight during halftime last night. Durrrrr they could be 0-4 or 4-0, but they are 2-2, WHICH IS IN THE MIDDLE! You know who else could be 4-0 or 0-4? Every team that has played four games ever.

I know what it’s like to fall off a cliff following a team, because I’m a Red Sox fan.

OH GOD FUCK YOU. That is such a Red Sox fan thing to say. “Listen, I know you folks in Japan are hurting in the wake of the tsunami earlier this year. I get it. I’M A SOX FAN. YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT PAIN AND SUFFERING.”

The 2011 NFL version of the Sox is the team Roller Coaster Romo leads.


(Tim) Tebow’s total offensive output in the first quarter of 2011: minus-one yard. No passes. One rush. I continue to be mystified that the 23rd-ranked offensive team in the NFL cannot find a package of plays for a fullback/wingback/quarterback/wildcat-quarterback…

Yeah, John Fox! Why can’t you find a package of plays for a player whose position is so clearly ill-defined? If I’m the Broncos, I create an entire offense for my veerback/fighter/magic-user/thief/paladin and pop the bubbly. HE’S LAWFUL GOOD!

/seriously though they should probably start Tebow so they can end up with Andrew Luck

Coach of the Quarter: Mike Munchak, Tennessee. He’d never been a head coach before, at any level. He’d never been a coordinator before, at any level.

He’d never even learned to read. Many of his teachers said he was “possibly retarded” and “had trouble with shapes, especially ones with angles”.

Munchak did things like make practices more competitively fun

Oooh, nothing beats things that are competitively fun. Like teddy bear jousts!

Now here’s something you may not know about Tom Brady.


Until Sunday, Brady had never thrown a professional touchdown pass in the Bay Area.


That just seems wrong, Brady never having played in San Francisco.

I know! Who knew a guy whose played his entire career for New England has never played in certain select other cities? SO WRONG. I’ll never get over it. If only a Red Sox fan were here to aid me in my grief.

But how weird would it be if Brady played from 2000 to 2015, a 16-year career, and never stepped foot on the home field of the team he rooted for as a kid?

And he never got to play in WICHITA. We are poorer for it.

There’s no lock on the list of 104 preliminary candidates released by the Hall of Fame the other day.

Except for Tiki Barber who is my best friend and who has some pretty interesting takes on social issues from all the CNN he watches!

RIP Mike Heimerdinger.

Reader Jon wrote in with this challenge:

Count how many words PK uses to eulogize a great football coach in Heimerdinger and how many he uses to eulogize Red Sox. Gotta be 2-1 Sox.

You’re wrong, Jon. I checked both section and the ratio is actually FOUR-to-one Red Sox. So there you go.

Tony Dungy disagrees, and apparently Eli Manning does too. But I thought the officials got the weird call in Arizona right.

I agree. Anytime a player is stupid enough to leave the ball on the ground, he should be rewarded for such things.

According to the rule that applies to this play, a dead ball is declared and the down ended “when a runner is out of bounds, or declares himself down by falling to the ground, or kneeling, and making no effort to advance…”

I don’t see the words “or by abandoning the ball there like a goddamn Irish orphan” in that rule.

4. Detroit (4-0). Why doesn’t every expert in the world, in the media and on coaching staffs, just shut up about Calvin Johnson. You’re embarrassing yourselves.

Yeah, Rob Ryan and Cris Carter! Shut your mouths and stop making yourselves look stupid. Now, let’s talk about the time I cleansed out my colon and then took an airplane ride…

5. New Orleans (3-1). Saints are 2-0 since ALS-stricken Steve Gleason delivered an impassioned speech to the team about the meaning of football and life nine days ago.

Nothing kickstarts a winning streak like Lou Gehrig’s Disease! Quick! Rub his decaying leg pustules for good luck!

15. Chicago (2-2). When Devin Hester caught the ball he’d return for his 11th career punt return for touchdown, Tony Dungy, next to me in the NBC viewing room, said to the TV: “Don’t kick it to him!”

That’s THE Tony Dungy! Sitting right next to me! In our impossibly plush NBC viewing room! There’s taffy!

The Ravens held Mark Sanchez to a high-schoolish 31-percent passing.

Quasi-First Grade in Completionologyesque!

Friday morning, 5:05 a.m., Back Bay Train Station, Boston. Man sitting with a blanket outside the front of the station said to me: “Sir, do you have five dollars?”


“Uh, well, I can give you a buck,” I said.

I reached in my pocket, took out two ones and handed them to the guy.

“Don’t have a five, huh?”

“I’m sure I do, but I’m giving you two.”

The guy grunted and gave me a withering look, and we both went about our day.

That’s so perfect. Let me feel good about myself by being suckered into giving this asshole hobo two bucks. Whoa hey, why isn’t he happy? Who knew pushy winos could be the ungrateful sort?

Devin Hester runs backs punts like he’s got sensors on his torso.

I wish Peter had sensors on his torso. They could detect crepe drippings and bad syntax and they’d go off ALL THE TIME.

Amazing to watch, and now he has the record for punt returns for touchdowns. Deservedly.


(Dave) Toub, who learned special-teams coaching from John Harbaugh while on the Eagles staff with Harbaugh, the special-teams coordinator, from 2001 to 2003, is fortunate to work with a head coach now, Lovie Smith, who gives him the freedom to call the plays he wants and move the players as he sees fit.

LOVIE: “Do what you want with the special teams, Dave. I can always challenge it if it goes wrong!”

“Lovie gives me the ability to be creative, which helps a lot,” said Toub.

LOVIE: Wow, you want to use a ‘holder’ on place kicks? That’s crazy!

That touchdown from Tony Romo to Dez Bryant says so much about the future of the Cowboys — most notably that the Cowboys will give the still-maturing Bryant lots of rope and that Romo is one of the better touch passers in the league…

So true. No one puts that kind of loft on a direct interception to Stephen Tulloch when the game is on the line. These Cowboys are the kind of team that can grow into something.

Great job by FOX in Dallas showing presumptive National League Cy Young Award winner Clayton Kershaw of the Dodgers in a box at Dallas Cowboys Stadium, watching his Dallas middle school and high school catcher, Matthew Stafford, quarterback the Lions against the Cowboys.

Nice job, FOX! You wasted valuable time during a football game to make an unwanted reference to baseball! Peter admires your spunk.

Stat I Do Not Understand: Average yards per rush — Beanie Wells 5.44, Chris Johnson 2.88.

That means Beanie Wells is currently running for more yards on each rush than Chris Johnson. I’ll be here if you need any more help with stuff.

I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 4:

a. Patriots corner Leigh Bodden. Picture of health. Spent all last season on IR, and now is missing with a groin strain. Not exactly what the Pats had in mind for $5.5 a year for four years when they signed him before the 2010 season.

How dare you, Leigh Bodden! No one makes Bill Belichick look bad without encountering PK’s wrath! He will not have his football NutmegSox made to look the fool!

Flacco and Mark Sanchez for the game: 21 of 66. That’s anti-this-year in the NFL.

Other things that are anti-this-year: Economic progress, good movies, grammar.

How weird: Flacco’s completion’s percentage for the season is .493.

So weird! It’s almost as if he isn’t an elite QB!

By the way, Peter uses the word “weird” nine times this week. That is so… so… God, what’s the word I’m looking for here? Odd? Curious? Bizarre? Strange? Unexplainable? NO WAIT. I have it. ANTI-NORMAL.

Slightly anointed Cleveland too fast.

That’s what happens when you don’t go all in on your slight anointments. You only used 30% of the holy water!

Browns still haven’t beaten a team with a win.

But with a little luck, they can grow into a 6-10 squad.

A win’s a win, but Mike Smith’s got to be seething at how a 27-7 lead in Seattle became a 30-28, missed-field-goal-at-the-end survival test requiring 47-, 50- and 42-yard Matt Bryant field goals to hang on.

And there’s your PK butchered sentence of the week. No survival test should hang on like that.

That sure was some commitment by the Broncos to get Tim Tebow in the flow Sunday: one rush, minus-one yard.

Some commitment. NOT.

Anyone seen Danny Woodhead? Other than on a milk carton?

I know! How will the Pats ever get this offense going if FACKIN’ WOODHEAD isn’t involved? It’s almost as if Stevan Ridley is a better running back! WEIRD.

I think this weekend cannot go by without recognizing Pete Gent, the former Cowboy tight end and wide receiver in the ’60s who went on to write one of the great football novels ever — North Dallas Forty, a novel that was sort of reality fiction about the real world of pro football.

And no fiction is better than sort of reality fiction about the real world. Like that Snooki book.

I think if you don’t carve out a half-hour Sunday morning to watch the NFL Matchup show on ESPN, you’re missing what continues to be the best nuts-and-bolts football on TV.

And you’re missing Merril Hoge wearing suits for the colorblind and accusing Vince Young of trying to kill his children!

I think — and my apologies for including a note here about something not of the pro game…

Peter is about to apologize for talking about college football. Meanwhile, a few paragraphs later, 1,200 words about the Red Sox with NO remorse.

…watching the Nebraska-Wisconsin game Saturday night made me appreciate what a great time you can still have in a sports stadium.

Oh, so you went to the game?

I was sitting in a Manhattan hotel room…

What the fuck? Did you take attendance lessons from Mitch Albom?

…but I wished I was in Camp Randall Stadium.

A magical night. A wonderful night. Truly, you had to be there by not being there but by watching people who are there from a hotel room 936 miles away. To watch that game sort of live in person on TV was a special treat you can’t possibly experience by staying at home.

…watching the crowd do that crazy “Jump Around” thing between the third and fourth quarters (when the entire crowd spends 90 seconds jumping up and down in unison, making for an incredible look), and listening to 70,000 people (many of them, anyway) sing Build Me Up Buttercup…

House of Pain AND the Foundations? My God, it’s like being in the hippest music hall on Earth! Pandora, take me to them!

…in absolute unison.

Which is much better than slight unison.

My buddy Don Banks, who lives in Madison, has been trying to tell me how great the game is there, and how I have to make it to a game. I’m tempted.

I saw a Wisconsin game on TV and it was AWESOME. It looked like the time of your life. It gave me a whole new appreciation of going to see games live. Will I go one day to see a game live? EH, MAYBE.

(Mike) Pereira, for a column, did about the only thing he could in terms of research: He found how many times per pass-drop each quarterback in the NFL got flagged for a defender hitting him illegally. Vick, per pass play, was ninth in the league, meaning he got the ninth-most roughing calls per pass play in the league. (Now, many of you tweeted me when I credited Pereira for this column, saying it doesn’t matter how many flags a quarterback gets, but rather how many times he gets hit and how many flags result from those hits. No kidding!

Now, a lot of you told me that Pereira’s research was worthless. WELL, DUH! You people so don’t get the point we’re trying to make with this admittedly useless stat.

…But empirical evidence on that would require the kind of massive research project no one in the media, except maybe, would have any chance of doing.)

We can’t actually figure out if Vick had a point or not. TOO MUCH WORK!

A few thoughts on the ouster of the Boston Red Sox, the one team I’ve followed unwaveringly since 1964.

Does anyone here give a shit how long you’ve followed the team? That’s not a fucking permission slip for you to spend eight pages complaining. I’ve been a big Foundations fan since 1978. So lemme now tell you about the band’s illustrious history in the middle of an NFL column.

The most depressing thought of the 2012 season? That I’ll have to sit through even one Lackey start.

Oh, POOR YOU. The idea that you’d have to sit though ONE Lackey start just makes my heart ache for you. It’s a tragedy on par with the near-extinction of the fucking elephant.

(Theo) Epstein has done a terrible job restocking a good team over the last six years.

He needs to watch more CNN!

Now, Epstein wisely stole Curt Schilling and signed David Ortiz and laid the groundwork for the 2004 and 2007 World Series title.


He’ll always have a place at the head table in Red Sox history, to be sure.

RED SOX: You’ll always have a place at our history’s table, Theo.

THEO: How does history have a table? Wouldn’t it just be YOUR table?


As will Francona. I’ll always appreciate what they did, no question.

Oh, well thank God they have your approval. Hey, these guys won us two titles. I GUESS I’LL STILL THINK FONDLY OF THEM. SORT OF. Rest easy, Terry. A bunch of privileged asshole cunts still deems you worthy of their history table.

But Epstein’s last few years? Royals-like.

ROYALS LAST FIVE YEARS: 69 wins a season

RED SOX LAST FIVE YEARS: 93 wins a season

One note, perhaps apropos of nothing, perhaps apropos of everything.

You don’t know what “apropos” means, do you? Perhaps apropos of nothing, perhaps apropos of everything, PERHAPS APROPOS OF WAFFLES.

In June, my wife and I went to visit my brother-in-law and his family in Pittsburgh.

The most Pittsburghish of towns!

We stayed downtown and planned to go see the Red Sox play Pittsburgh on a Friday night. When we arrived that afternoon, we saw that we were in the Red Sox team hotel… Around 3 or so, David Ortiz walked into the lobby with a couple of friends. A minute or so later, Kevin Youkilis walked into the lobby. He was 10 feet from Ortiz. I’m virtually certain they saw each other, but they didn’t acknowledge each other.

SAYS IT ALL RIGHT THERE. Mike Munchak would never allow a team to be that not competitively fun.

Surprising that two guys in the middle of a lineup are either both blind or simply do not like each other? No. But they can’t share a five-minute ride to the ballpark?

Or why not take the Acela there and hold hands?

And now, for all of you who say, “Shut up about the Red Sox already,” I’ll shut up.

Thank God.

Except to say:


How about Jacoby Ellsbury leading baseball in total bases this year, with 11 more than Matt Kemp, 28 more than Ryan Braun and 52 more than Jose Bautista?


My 2011 baseball awards

I award you the Triple Crown of NOT SHUTTING THE FUCK UP ABOUT BASEBALL.

Haven’t caught The Office yet, so I’ll reserve judgment on the Nard Dog ’til I get caught up on the DVR.

You have to see it! Will give you a whole new appreciation of seeing Ed Helms live.

Green Mountain K-cup French Roast: as good as a top French roast, brewed or French-pressed. Choose the six-ounce setting for concentrated dark coffee. No bitterness. Good and dark.

Good and dark. Like my friend, future HOFer Tiki Barber!

Beernerdness: Sure am glad I don’t take a lot of the evening trips on the Acela.

I know! Sitting on a luxury train that late would be TORTURE.

That Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA is so strong that drinking two of them is almost like taking a Lunesta.

Oh no! You had too much beer and got sleepy! IT’S THE 2011 WILD CAHHHD RACE AWLL OVAH AGAIN!

j. The Pan Am show looks good.

No, it doesn’t.

k. I’ll never, ever get to it.

Good to know! FUCK FACE.

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