I made the championship of my fantasy league this year. In my five or so years of playing fantasy, I’ve never even made the playoffs, let alone the championship. This win will finally validate my razor-sharp football acumen, so there’s a lot of fucking pride at stake here. And who might be my starting quarterback for this monumental encounter? You guessed it:
The Sex Cannon himself. Now I know what you’re thinking: how the fuck did you reach the championship game with that asshole as your starting QB? Suffice it to say, my roster is deep enough that I can bench the Cumslinger when necessary or make up for those days when Rex wants to impress the ladies by showing he can win a game without even touching the ball. Anyway, Rex has a good matchup against the woeful Lions this weekend, so I’m taking the gamble and suiting him up. I asked him yesterday how he felt going into this all-or-nothing contest:
“We have a game Sunday? Fuck, I didn’t even know. They don’t tell me when the games are played. I just run out onto the field and start aiming lasers for fucking Saturn, you know what I mean? If there’s a defense there, whatever. Sexy Rexy is more than happy to spray hot passes all over the defense’s chest. Who are we playing? The Lions? Pfft. Those guys aren’t sexy. You telling me Jon Kitna is sexy? I’ve seen white supremacists in prison who are sexier than that do-gooder. No wonder he’s a devout Christian. What kind of pussy would he pull on the open market? Dumpster pussy, that’s what.
What’s that color the Lions wear? Honolulu Blue? Yeah, well I nailed six Hawaiian Tropic girls last week. So while those assholes are busy wearing Honolulu, I’m busy fucking it. Wore my mesh practice top the whole time, too. And in front of a mirror. Ever stick your finger up your own ass? God, it just felt so right.
Jesus, now that you told me I’m playing Detroit, I’m all fucking hot. God dammit. I gotta go throw something. Now. I just… I just can’t take the anticipation. It’s driving me buc wild. Such a depleted secondary. So many long, long throws. You know I accidentally fucked Olin Kreuntz once? True story.
So, you play fantasy football? That’s funny. Because I am fantasy football. Girls watch me throw and they ovulate. It’s just the way I move. So poised. So strong. So fluid. They know I’m undressing the defense with my arm. Oh, Daddy says that Rex Grossman is up to no good. And you know what, honey? Your daddy is right. I am thinking nasty, nasty thoughts when I’m out there. I throw that ball sixty yards, and I just wanna ram a stick of butter up some girl’s ass. I can’t help it. Football and sex just go together for me. It’s a natural fit, just like any girl is a natural fit on me.
Hope you win, kid. Either way, Rex is fucking that night.”
Needless to say, I’m in good hands.