Teasers Never Lose–Three Times In a Row

11.09.07 10 years ago 26 Comments

Welcome to Week 10 of Always Be Covering. Because I refuse to forgive New England for taking a knee last week (also, the bye week thing) I’ve been forced to get a little bit creative. You know what that means…it’s time for the funnest shitty bet in the history of gambling!

The Humongous Tease!

Jessica Alba, the biggest fucking tease there is. Seriously , show us the goods. God forbid you should let me see the crack of your ass. If you don’t get naked then I’m never going to be able to not think about fucking you underwater (Deep Blue rules!). Selfish fucking bitch.

Here it is, 4 games teased by 6 points (the first commenter to say that I got the line wrong will be hooked up to the KSK Genital Electrocution Machine (GEM)…patent pending.
Risking 40 to win 120

Kansas City +3 vs. Denver

Jay Cutler is going to start, and some people are actually pretending that this matters. He’s a bum (but Stan’s dad thinks he might be good one day) and Kansas City’s pass rush will probably put his busted ass in the locker room. They don’t even need Larry Johnson. Denver’s rush defense will resurrect Priest Holmes, if only for an afternoon.

Buffalo +4 at Miami

The Bills are fucking gold. They’re the shitty Patriots of covering the spread. Their only two non-covers came on the road, but this is a teased game with Miami. The chances of the team plane taking a header into the Keys are just slightly lower than Miami beating anybody by more than a field goal.

New Orleans -6 vs. St. Louis

See, this is why I love teasers! New Orleans lost four in a row, and now they’ve won four in a row. If you follow the pattern it’s quite obvious that they’re going to win this week. On a completely unrelated note, I got a 650 on the SAT.

Indianapolis +2 at San Diego

Wow, this teaser is pure unadulterated gold. This advice might be more valuable than a healthy set of lungs on the black market (Marv Levy is looking to make a buy). San Diego is pretty good, but their coach is a fucking joke and their quarterback is that douche from Fashionable Male. If Indy loses two straight I’ll give up masturbation for a month.

Good luck, as if you need it!

Now who wants to make a side bet that Herm Edwards completely fucks me out of this teaser?

Bonus Commenter Debate!

Over/Under on the total number of segments involving the Patriots on the five (ESPN, CBS, FOX, NBC, NFL) Sunday preview/recap shows despite their bye week: 4

So who ya got?

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