The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: AFC 6th Seed – Baltimore Ravens

01.08.10 8 years ago 107 Comments


If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

This man is Cecilius Calvert, or Lord Baltimore, for whom a failed city of destitute crackheads and tacky white trash asswipes is named. He was the first proprietor of the Maryland colony, though he was also supposed to get all of the Eastern Shore too. It was already taken. He blamed the refs.

I’ve already laid out dozens of reasons why I hate the Ravens, their players, their fans, their city, their inferiority complex, their fucktarded purple camo, the places their white fans live (not the city), and everything else even loosely associated with them. I could cite dozens more, but I think you get the gist. Ape no rikey.

I don’t expect you to share all these feelings. What I do think merits universal scorn is that they’re the most sniveling, caterwauling, whiniest bunch of ref-blaming losers ever to infest a football stadium. According to their fans, the Ravens have never just lost. They’re ALWAYS screwed somehow. And it’s not just that they want to nitpick calls. No, that wouldn’t be quite obnoxious enough. They’re the fucking Glenn Beck birthers of the NFL universe. They actually think there’s A CONSPIRACY and that the league IS OUT TO GET THEM!

Let’s take a gander at their season:

Week 1: Ravens win. Fuckheads cheer.

Week 2: Ravens win again. Everything cool.

Week 3: Ravens start 3-0. Pumping themselves up for a Super Bowl run.

Week 4: Ravens lose because Mark Clayton sucks dick and drops an easy pass on 4th down inside the Pats 5.

But, far too tough to merely accept defeat, their players blame it on ticky tack roughing calls on Tom Brady. Ratbird fans excrete shit like this:

“The NFL plays favorites. It’s as simple as that. So many penalty and challenge calls are subjective enough that the officiating crew can literally win or lose almost any given game.

The Pats and Steelers are the largest beneficiaries of this charade, as the league will do whatever it takes to give these teams the chance to win big games. The Ravens, conversely, are not one of the NFL’s darlings. In fact, the Ravens have gotten enough objectionable calls and ex-awful-coach-turned-awful-color-commentator Brian Billick made enough noise about said calls that a vicious cycle exists in regards to officiating in Ravens games.”

Week 5: Bengals beat the Ravens in Baltimore on a last-minute TD drive. Ravens fans lose their shit pinning it on the officials.

Week 6: Even before the game starts, these shitheads are carrying on about the fucking officiating. Ravens lose to Vikings. More bitching ensues.

Week 7: Bye week. Time to rest the tear ducts.

Week 8: Baltimore can haz victoree? Guess who’s all sunshine and lucky crack pipes now?

Week 9: Ravens get thoroughly dominated the entire game in Paul Brown Stadium. They were lucky to lose only 17-7. Of course, Ochocinco pulls an obvious ref bribing joke on the sidelines, which is enough to set a million fucking conspiracy theories in motion.

Week 10: Ravens win. More people get AIDS but no one cries.

Week 11: The Fat Humps beat the Ravens in Baltimore. There’s actually not that much ref whining after this game, surprisingly. Possibly because an official illegally gave John Harbaugh an extra challenge. THAT’S NOT HOW THE CONSPIRACY WORKS!

Week 12: Ravens need overtime to beat a third string QB making his first career start after one day of practice with the first team offense. But they almost won in regulation when the officials (again, wrongly) allowed a Baltimore offensive player to advance a teammate’s fumble, which put them in range for a potential game-winning kick. The subsequent Billy Cundiff field goal falls just short. But, hey, two straight weeks of referee errors in your favor! Suffice it to say, no bitching.

Week 13: You’d think after two straight weeks of getting bad calls in your favor, you’d shut the fuck up about refs. Nope. Green Bay dominates Baltimore, but not without Derrick Mason calling the officiating “ridiculous” (he is not fined for this comment – CONSPIRACY? HELLO?) and Ravens fans generally shitting purple bricks about the yellow flags.

Week 14: Ravens win. Sweet serenity.

Week 15: Ravens win again. It’s so oh quiet.

Week 16: Ravens lose in Pittsburgh. I think you know what’s coming.

Week 17: Ravens win and advance to the playoffs. No whining, right? Eh, not so fast.

Seriously, you weepy Bawlmer fucks, just grow a pair. Accept one goddamn loss as that: a loss. I will salute you if you are able to do this just once. Face it: your team isn’t that good. You haven’t been cheated by anyone. 9-7 is just about right where the Ravens should be. Ray Rice is great. Haloti Ngata is great. Ed Reed, even if he can’t tackle in the open field, is great. That’s about it. Your defense left with Rex Ryan and Joe Flacco is mediocre. And he still lives at home at with parents. Fucking dork.

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