The NFL Is Untouchable

06.11.08 9 years ago 19 Comments

[Int. NFL Executive Offices]

Ed: I’d like to thank everyone for being here for today’s press conference, once again I apologize for the short notice. I’m glad to see some of the NFL’s fine fans could be here alongside various members of the sports media, because this involves them as much as anyone else.

Jet Fan: Booooooooo!

Ed: In the interest of time, I’ll get right to the point. I am here to offer up a mea culpa. I am not asking for forgiveness or understanding, I just need to clear my conscience, so here goes. Several years ago I conspired with known gamblers to fix a football game.

Press: [blank stares]

Ed: I know, I know, you must all be shocked and appalled at this groundbreaking revelation.

Fans: [blank stares]

Ed: You see, at the time I found myself caught up in the seedy world of underground body building, and I was in quite a bit of debt to some nefarious men in the steroid trade. I was told that in exchange for wiping the debt clean I would have to guarantee the outcome of the 2002 NFC/AFC Pro Bowl in advance. This is truly a shame that I will never live down, and I will fully understand if you all hate me.

Fans: [blank stares]

Press: [blank stares]

Ed: Of course this story goes far deeper than this. You see, if I didn’t pay my debt then these men would have gone public with my rampant steroid use, as well as my side business supplying anabolic steroids to players throughout the league. It was at this time that I approached then Commissioner Paul Tagliabue to inform him of the depth and gravity of the situation. At this point Mr. Tagliabue ordered me to fix however many games it took to prevent these men from revealing the league’s secrets.

Fans: [blank stares]

Press: [blank stares]

Ed: Don’t you people have any questions or comments?

Peter King: If you were a latte, what kind of flavor shot would you be infused with?

Ed: I was referring to questions regarding the conspiracy to fix football games and/or the league’s sordid history of steroid abuse.

Fan: Which running back is getting the best steroids? I have a fantasy draft in a couple of months and I want to make sure my first round pick is primed for a big season.

Ed: I think you guys are missing the point. I’m telling you that the National Football League is complicit in crimes ranging from drug use to conspiracy to committing fraud. You must have some questions regarding the steroid distribution ring and the game fixing.

Chris Mortenson: Don’t you think that Tim Donaghy guy is a dick?

Ed: I am guilty of the same infraction of Mr. Donaghy.

Mort: [blank stare]

Fan: Can you autograph my bicep?

Ed: So you guys don’t even care about this stuff, do you?

Fan: Do the first down point!

Ed: Hmmm. OK, well I might as well take this opportunity to admit that I once financed a dog fight on my property.


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