THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: This week, we’ve got some Conan the Barbarian, a buttload of Harry Potter, and just enough Spanish Smurfs to keep things spicy. Shall we? Are you ready to let your clicking finger take you on a journey of magic and discovery? I know I am.
The Three Musketeers (landscape crop above, full poster here; source = Yahoo). I know I spend an inordinate amount of space in this feature being all snarky and mean, but aside from the insulting assumption that Orlando Bloom is a bigger star than Christoph Waltz, this poster’s actually pretty cool. Putting aside everything you know about the movie, the poster actually makes it look fairly exciting, what with the sword fights and the gunfights and the fire and the ladyboys and whatnot. Knowing what I do know about the movie (that it’s basically a 3D, gnü-metal/graphic novel take on the Three Musketeers from the director of Death Race), I think the only question is whether it’s going to be ridiculously bad, or ridiculously awesomely bad. Also, the placement of Orlando Bloom’s earring kind of makes it look like he has semen dripping from his mustache. Might wanna fix that.
Tree of Life, Japanese poster.
This floating head/literal tree poster shows Brad Pitt as the head of his family, as would be familiar to a traditionally paternalistic, patriarchal society like Japan. Of course, everything I know about Japan I learned from American movies, such as the Dolph Lundgren classic, Showdown in Little Tokyo.
Smurfs, Italian poster.
IMPA had this one listed as the “international poster”, so I had to take it to Google Translate to find out what language it was. Hoping for something lurid, like “unfulfilled testicles,” I found out “i puffi” means “Smurfs” in Italian. So boring. On the plus side, Smurfette still looks like she swallows.
Servitude, a Canadian movie.
A group of frustrated waiters at a kitschy steakhouse take over their restaurant for one final, glorious, revenge-filled night when they discover they are all about to be fired. [IMDB]
With all the people in entertainment who’ve had to wait tables, and all the funny situations from which to draw, so far, our waitstaff-based comedies consists of Waiting, Slammin’ Salmon, and this. Pathetic. Wait, so this is set in Canada? I hear they don’t tip and the waiters are still polite as sh*t.
So it’s not just a virus, it’s a MUTANT virus? Phew, well that’s much more scary. Anyway, it’s a decent poster. I certainly know what it’s about. By they way, that chick looks like she gives really demoralizing handjobs. And is that screaming clown standing behind her?
Our Idiot Brother.
Finally, Paul Rudd has earned the right to have his name above the title. I fully support this strategy, especially since this movie looks kind of lame while Paul Rudd is awesome.
Dammit, did we get heads way smaller than the bodies again? HEY, PAUL, CAN SOMEONE GET IN HERE AND TAKE BIGGER PICTURES OF THE GODDAMNED HEADS?
Either that, or Colin Hanks is just wearing a really baggy jacket. Jesus, what’s he hiding under there, more secrets?
Johnny English Reborn.
Yeah, so this is still happening. Maybe just cut out the picture of his silly face and stare at it for 90 minutes. Save yourself twelve bucks.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Part 2.
Holy sh*t, this movie has knife-wielding evil leprechauns?? I may have been all wrong about this thing. Good call on the vertical stripes btw, very slimming.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Part 2.
Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix LeStrange! I’m guess they cast her to save money, as she was the only one who could play this role without a wig. Is it wrong of me to hate her because of her gross, nappy hair? Whatever, man. All I’m saying is, you show me a girl with hair longer than mid-back and I’ll show you a weirdo who’s awful to hang out with. Cut your damn hair, you look homeless.
Harry Potter & the Etc. with the Etc.
Hmm, I see Jason Bateman’s little brother cloned himself so he could get a two-for-one deal on plaid zip-ups at Target. Very clever. You must teach me this trick, I love plaid.
Christ, how many characters does this thing have? Is anyone even still paying attention?
Ha, Retarded Billy Zane has a cardigan. Classic RBZ.
Tom Felton as Draco Melfoy. I hate this kid’s forehead.
EVERYTHING MUST HAVE DIAGONALS!
Ah, my love Emma Watson. She don’t mind a “crooked wand” or a little denim. Must be Canadian.
Watch out, that’s the face all gingers get right before they’re about to bite you. Don’t let them, unless you want freckles and an increased risk of skin cancer.
I GOT A SNAKE, MANG. So far, my biggest problem with Voldemort is that he’s not Voldemort Cat.
Wait, this movie has light sabres? Why hasn’t this been more widely publicized?
An offbeat global warming adventure that follows geophysicist Jonathan Goold as he hunts for gold where no man has ever set foot – on land exposed by Alaska’s melting glaciers. [IMDB]
It’s funny because ‘Goold’ and ‘Gold’ are almost the same word. If you shout Gold long enough, you get Goold.
Conan the Barbarian, Rachel Nichols as Tamara.
Focusing on the cleavage and no unnecessary diagonals? Damn, this Conan the Barbarian posters are good. Kind of makes me wish this movie wasn’t going to chug ox dong.
Hey, is that Tom Felton?
Dumbass, bringing a schimitar to a tiny-rock fight.
I was going to make a joke about “nice to see Ron Perlman getting work,” until I realized that was actually Ron Perlman. That’s a weird angle. Then again, when you’re shooting Ron Perlman, pretty much everything’s a weird angle.
Wait, he fights a giant water snake now? This crappy movie looks awesome. By the way, I’m pissed I know too much about Game of Thrones to be able to call him “Conan the Targarian.” But nooo, they had to go and make him a Dothraki. (*gets winded reaching for inhaler*)
Captain America, retro poster for the Hero Complex Film Festival.
Look, guys, you didn’t have to show someone punching Hitler to outdo the last batch of Captain America posters, but I appreciate it anyway. They should’ve gotten the guy who drew Red Skull in this to design his makeup. Also, who’s the disembodied hand shooting the Luger at Cap? And hey, where’s that second bullet coming from? It kind of looks like its coming from where the crotch would be. I think it might be jizz.
And last but not least, Bellflower.
I saw this at Sundance. Ultimately I didn’t think it worked, but it was a respectable effort and definitely worth watching (and pretentious people will pretend to love it because it doesn’t really make sense). Any director who builds his own flame-spewing apocalypse mobile and a car with a whiskey dispenser in the dash (two separate cars) is a dude I’d hang with any day. Did I mention it also had tons of fire and nudity? Here’s the trailer, just released today.