No, we haven’t started drinking hobo wine or gone off our meds: there’s a German mailing tarantulas to America. Meanwhile, also in Germany, a butcher is getting revenge on the boar that trashed his shop the only way a butcher knows how: ham. Yep, Germany goes for the weirdness crown, today in Uproxx News.
First up, the German who seems convinced we just don’t have enough tarantulas. Going by the name of Sven Koppler, this German has apparently been shipping over hundreds of live spiders via the mail. You’d think all he was doing was playing an extremely sick joke on the guy scared of spiders who keeps opening his mail, but apparently that was completely unintentional, as the package full of 300 spiders that first put authorities onto him was opened at random, no doubt the prelude to one of the worst days ever for at least one of the package opening team.
The feds initiated “Operation Spiderman” and started importing spiders into America, instead of sending them back, which is what you’re supposed to do with gorram spiders. Apparently among the spiders were the endangered Mexican red-kneed tarantulas, which can only be traded by Mexicans under international treaty (don’t look at us like that, it’s what the law said). Finally, having collected enough spiders, the feds called in Koppler to Los Angeles, where he was promptly arrested for violating several laws regarding endangered species. Apparently he’s made $300,000 selling spiders through the mail, which to us raises the following questions. First…$300,000? For sending people spiders? Really? There’s that big of a market? What, do they do tricks? Are there that many wannabe Bond villains?
Secondly, where the heck did a German get spiders from Mexico? Did he actually just import the spiders, and then export them? Is there a guy you can buy spiders direct from? So many questions, so few answers. Do your job, Reuters.
Next, we’ve got the butcher doing what so many retail employees wish they could do to jackasses who wreck their stores; slice them up and sell them by the piece. Fortunately, there are zero cannibalistic implications in this story, since the jackass in question is a gigantic wild pig.
Nobody really knows why the 290-pound pig, who we’re naming Oscar Meyer, decided to plow through the butcher shop of Rainer Kraemer. Maybe he wanted to protect his pig brothers. Maybe he felt like breaking stuff. If the latter, he succeeded admirably, trashing the place to the tune of $6,600 in damages and injuring one of Kraemer’s customers.
But, just like Kowalski from “Vanishing Point”, Oscar Meyer couldn’t save himself and got killed, although in this case it was a hunter who shot him, something we’re sure the hunter is going to be bragging about for years. The butcher, having had his business and equipment wrecked, got dibs, and butchered the pig. Still, the pig is only going to make him about $800, and that’s including Oscar Meyer’s weiner.
- If you didn’t see that coming two paragraphs ago, you have nobody to blame but yourself. (Trufax)
- We wonder if being sent to prison as a spider smuggler gets you special time in the showers or just a silly nickname. Probably just a silly nickname. (Treehugger)
- We thought about making another pun about the butcher being boared, but we could never justify bacon such a joke. (Irish Examiner)
- In other news, we thought all that Chinese propaganda was just painfully cynical and mean-spirited, but apparently not: a Chinese leader, Li Changchun, believing himself to be universally beloved and respected, discovered that people on the Internet didn’t like him after Googling himself, and ordered Chinese companies to stop working with Google. This is what China does with its vast hacking resources. Seriously. (New York Times)
- Meanwhile, years of equality, self-respect and hard work have resulted in more women graduating college, more women holding down jobs, more women in the workforce…and now it’s leading to fancy new syndromes to diagnose, namely “Power Mom Syndrome”, as apparently divorces because the woman makes more are on the rise. Or, you know, it’s kind of asinine to expect gender roles that were outmoded before we even started throwing them out to be ideal, but that’s not something you can write a bestselling book about. We can’t wait for “The Power Mom Code”, “The Power Mom Secret” and of course “Power MILFs In Heat”: They’re hot, they’re horny, they’re financially independent! (The Daily Beast)
KNOW YOUR STATS
- There are over 900 species of tarantula identified so far. None of them are poisonous or even very dangerous, but they all hide wherever you poop. And they’re watching, waiting, waiting for the time to strike. Oh yes. Soon. Very soon.(Eightlegs.org)
- We could point you towards the stat saying that women make 75% of what men do. We could point out that this is a very good article about the wage gap being very complicated and not at all what people make it out to be. Instead we’ll point out that the headline of this article is far worse than any of our pig puns. (Why Some Women Skirt the Wage Gap by US News and World Report; some people just have to go whole hog)